Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A few months after my life-changing relocation, I confused my lust and loneliness with love and married first girl who gave me the time of day. I'm not sure exactly when I finally came to my senses but back then I would do anything for my blossoming 100 pound beauty who quickly bloomed to about 200 pounds.
At that time, she had a thing for French designer clothing. And not the almost perfect items that you could find for pennies at Salvation Army. No, she had to have it right off the rack with that fresh wound of a new hundred dollar price tag still attached.
One day, when I was still slightly groggy after trading my plasma for cash to support the fashion sensibilities of my new wife, I stopped by one of the local fancy women clothing store. Through my woozy haze, I heard the sales girl say in a thick southern accent to one of her customers that she had "the most darlin' one-of-a-kind Pa Tate dress that everyone wanted." A genuine French-sounding labeled garment was just what I was looking for. I immediately swaggered over (well, more of a stagger) and asked to buy that dress. The sales girl nervously obliged me.
Thinking back on that moment, I should've inspected the dress a little closer. But that's all right. My extra-sized blushing bride did that job for me as she held up that exceptional item of petite clothing (definitely not, "Pa Tate") next to her wide form and demanded, "How am I supposed to wear this?!" "Over your head as an ascot." I said ... to myself. "As a belt?" I suggested hopefully. That's what I learned the importance of keeping ALL those sort of comments inside ... deep inside.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Now, I've tried to do right by my country wife and all of our young'uns. A few years ago I got us into a house with indoor plumbing and you would think they would be happy about that. But nooooooo! Building a house over a running stream wasn't good enough.
Last year, the kids were going on and on about us gettin' in a home entertainment system. So I worked a bunch of overtime and got 'em a pellet gun and a bird feeder. Judgin' by all the complaints, real birds and squirrels ain't as good as the ones on tele-o-vision set.
And for the past month, my wife been a-naggin' about how we should get one of them fancy Kichler outdoor lighting setups like the neighbors. For some reason, a baggie full of fireflies next to the bug zapper just doesn't make her happy anymore.
Well, I am sorry! I'm doing my bestest to feed all these whinin' mouths. I'm just lookin' forward to the day when I can come through the door and say, "Pack your bags, folks! I've won the lottery! I don't care where y'all go but you ain't coming with me!" Well, I cans dream, can't I?
Remember, if you let your credit card feast heartier than a tick in a puppy factory, I guarantee that you will be well rewarded in January. So take time this month to stock up on antacids and lots of job applications. When you get that over-sized bill next month, remember how pleasant you made the holiday times for others. After all, it's the thought that counts. And all I can say is "what were we thinking?"
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Unfortunately, I've noticed that some of my contacts post such embarrassing things ... things that are beyond the red-faced level of OMG ( "OMG" ha! Told you, I'm hip). You know, those hideous little moments that they normally wouldn't even admit to themselves that they did. But, shine the light of a monitor in their eyes and touch their itchy fingers to the buttons with letters on them and it's confession time.
As for me, I'm keeping my life on the down-low :). ("down-low" AND a smiley face! I amaze myself sometimes.) First of all, I don't need someone else reading a tell-all accounting of my life until I'm ready to publish it for a 6 figure contract (preferably in dollars). Second of all, I don't need to give my present bosses or potential future employers any reason to promote me to the ranks of the unemployed. This leads to a slight paradox - in order to get on the social media hype-wagon, I've had to be anti-social on these sites. ("hype-wagon" is my contribution to the hip vernacular. You're welcome!) Strange times that we live in, indeed.
SO "friend" me if you like and say hi. I may reply back with that lengthy of greetings "hello" and probably little else. I'm not avoiding you. I'm not playing coy. I'm just being as social as safely possible ... until I win that lottery ticket. Then you can try friending me through the news media ....
Now the difficult part wasn't that you found fatherly me there, listening to the idle gossip from mothers waiting with their excited daughters. There was a couple of other bleary-eyed fathers whose expressions of "how did I get talked into this?" matched mine. The stressful part was being a couple of families ahead of a man who really needed a video on personal hygiene. Because of his 500 pound bulk, he had to get around using a motorized chair provided by the store. The large basket on his chair was almost overflowing with a cornucopia of chips, pork rinds, candy and other things that doctors warn us to stay clear of. His loose fitting tank top made you hope that he would make a stop in the lingerie department for bra. From the complexion of his ravaged face, you would think he'd spend his money on a "how to treat acne" DVD instead of buying one about clear faced vampires battling shirtless shaggy werewolves who can become hairlessly muscular in the blink of an eye (or quicker since my daughter didn't blink once during those parts of the movie).
In the end, it didn't matter. Venimus, vidimus, vicimus -- we came, we saw, we conquered the line and got the movie. I survived the night. And my daughter has a keepsake of our adventurous time together. I understand that the next episode of this long series comes out in a year. I can hardly wait. By then she be in college and I will be asleep ...
Thursday, December 02, 2010
As I write this, Congress is debating whether they should censor New York representative Charles Bernard Rangel for a few "indiscretions". Now, Charlie (as his pork barrel benefactors fondly call him) wanted Congress to just reprimand him. When a legislative reprimand happens, someone makes an entry in the Congressional log that basically says "Bad, Congressman Rangel! Bad! Bad! Very naughty!" and then life goes on. However, Congress didn't think that was severe enough. So now they're voting on a sanction of censure. OOOoooo, censure! Very scary!
If they all agree to that action, they will make Mr. Rangel stand in front of Congress and say to him, "Bad, Congressman Rangel! It was very naughty that you didn't pay your taxes. It was very bad that you filed false tax returns. And you should not have used your position for personal gain." In other words, a public shaming. What a terrible fate! Then after a few minutes of a stern scolding from Nancy Pelosi, Charlie will have to ... well, do nothing. He's no longer head of the committee in charge of the taxpayers' cookie jar. But aside from that, very little will have changed for the Congressman.
"Oh sure," you might say to me. "What about his loss of public respect?" I might then have to ask you if you knew that he is a member of Congress. Also, considering his major accomplishments after 40 years of service has been mainly to get porkbarrel projects to his supports, then you know he hasn't had any true public respect since Nixon was president.
So I have to ask you, between Mr. Snipes and Mr. Rangel, who has has done a better job at benefiting society? Between Wesley and Charlie, who got the raw end of the justice stick?
For example, 4G standard means digital speeds at 1Gb/sec. Yet, when Verizon and its friendly competitors release their version, you get to enjoy paying higher prices for almost at a 1/10 of that speed. So right now, "4G" is just marketing hype.
Of course, some people don't mind paying for things that are cleverly marketed. They are the kind of people who will rush to a beach resort to buy "limited edition" sea water. Or they will hike into the hills to find that special stone quarry shop selling "new and improved" rocky mountain boulders (something you can't take for granite after a few eons). Or you will find them sweating away to get an exclusive exercise facility so they can purchase gourmet phentermine diet pills (bet you can't eat just one). You know the types ...
Anwyay, if Hamlet had a cell phone, he'd asked the same perplexing question that you should be asking yourself for the next several months, "4G or not 4G, that is the question!" He'd want to know "whether 'tis noble in the pocketbook to endure the slings and arrows of outrageous hype or to take arms and fingers against a sea of misleading claims and by opposing, end the madness. To wait -- to dream of better service that matches the overpriced monthly charges. By a dream to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand unnatural shocks that our cell phone bills render." I'm paraphrasing but I'm pretty sure that's what Hamlet would say.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Still, each time I entered the last few contests, I managed to place in the top three. This is encouraging. Either that or not enough truly funny people are entering ...
Monday, November 22, 2010
I propose something different. Instead of a visual effect, how about having the city goes for something auditory. Since New York is well known for its noise (which happens to also be one of birds' navigational directives), why not put two huge columns of home theater system speakers at Ground Zero. But not to broadcast noise. Rather, take in all of the commotion, all of the complaining, the angry yelling, all of the anxiety-producing sirens and alarms, then phase invert all that sound and rebroadcast it through our speakers. What happens is a wonderful cancellation! You end up having a zone of virtual silence – a place where you can calmly gather your thoughts and your senses, an welcomed opportunity to quietly reflect, to rethink all the senseless tragedies that have occurred in our short human history, and maybe put our priorities in a better perspective as we try to live with ourselves and with each other.
Keeping up with this expense has allowed me track my gas mileage as well. As you can see from my MPG chart, there are seasonal trends as well as indications that something expensive was about to break. It was this year’s numbers that had me a little concerned at first. Usually, my mileage rebounds in the Fall time of the year. Problems? Fortunately, I have the good fortune of knowing very fortunate mechanic. He looked over the car and said that I was safe from vigilante squirrels for a little while longer. So why isn't my gas mileage coming back up like it should? He wasn't sure and proceeded to blame my faithful car’s youthful 260,000 miles of age. But I think I have a better answer.
As I filled up my car early this morning, the first brand new rays of sunlight ricocheted off of the ethanol sticker on the gas pump. It used to say "may contain up to 10% ethanol." May. As in might have somewhere between zero but not quite 10%. Today, after I recovered my eyesight from the bullets of a brand-new sparkly day, I noticed the sticker now reads "contains at least 10% ethanol but less than 15%."
I know you physics majors are way ahead of me on this but the early morning fog in my mind took a bit to clear. Once my mental process snapped into place like the fragile twigs that they are, I realized that ethanol has much less explosive power than gasoline – a very reduced bang for the buck which unfortunately doesn't show up in the pump price. It isn't my car that is the problem. It has just been corn-fused and I’ve been confused and we all have just been conned.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
So last December, I've made my prediction, confident that I had underestimated what I would have to spend in 2010. And so far, my prophecies have had me considering the purchase of that "never work again a day in your life" lottery ticket. That was until a couple of weeks ago. That fatefull day, our company HR person gathered us together and said that, starting on January 1st, 2011, the IRS would no longer accept credit card receipts that show you paid for your doctor visit. Heaven knows that the Paperwork Reduction Act isn't worth all the papers that it was written on. So obviously, you need more paperwork from a doctor to prove that he wasn't charging you to sit around and discuss golf scores. Our HR person also told us that the IRS would also no longer allow our medical flex accounts to be used for the purchases of over-the-counter remedies of any kind. In other words, if you're going to try to cure yourself, you need to be charged income tax along with your sales tax. Obviously an effort to reduce cost of medical care.
Not this would be a problem because we were still in 2010. Or so I thought when I turned in my credit card receipt for June's visit to my doctor and my receipt for over-the-counter melatonin (which my doctor told me was cheaper and would work as well as prescription medicine). Today I received a letter from our medical flex company. They happily informed me that both receipts were rejected. Apparently those helpful regulations into effect on October 1, 2010. Leave it to the IRS to change the rules in the middle of the game without allowing you anyway of adapting to them.
Has anyone else experienced this little change in policy or am I the only one being scammed here?
You would think that the automobile insurance industry would encourage obvious commitments to safety (such as yours) by giving you a break on your premiums. But no. At work we've all had the same embarrassing reaction from our respective insurance agents when we bring up this win-win idea. We get a kindly smile, a gentle pat on the top of our ever-so-cute pointy heads, a lollipop that would make any dentist cry happy, dollar sign tears, and a firm "There, there now. Next you'll be ask me to believe that the world is round. Now run along like a good engineer and leave the hard money thinking to me."
So I'm left to my own resources: spending time trying to find cheap auto insurance companies and developing a device that traps overcharging insurance agents in their car. Yes, I will let them out … if they can afford the premiums.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Next, during those 12 months, you submit your medical bills to that accounting firm (who only has your best interest at heart) for reimbursement. If, at the end of the year, you had been too healthy to use up all of your medi-flex money, the accountants get to keep it and go on their own spending spree. So shame on you if you didn't keep track of every aspirin, cough drop, and doctor visit. When I say "keep track of", I mean having a receipt with so much documentation, it would make an IRS agent weep.
Now the bad news. It seems that, after playing this medi-flex game for a few years, most people get amazingly proficient at gauging what their upcoming medical expenses will be. Bad taxpayer! Bad taxpayer! But don't worry. In order for the government and medical accounting firms to make more money next year, they did what any spoiled brat would do when they're losing the game … they change the rules. Starting next year, you can no longer use your hard earned dollars in your account to buy any over-the-counter medicine. All of your receipts have to be doctor related and prescription based, which means none of this trying to heal yourself nonsense. Come December, your psychic powers had better be more powerful than that of a Wall Street broker.
Now the good news. These rules don't go into effect until January 1, 2011. So if you still have a lot of money idling in your medi-flex account, I suggest you go buy one of those medicine cabinets that are the size of an outdoor shed. Then, stock it full with every over-the-counter remedy that you can lay your hands on. If you're lucky, you might be able to write off the medicine cabinet as well.
What if you were a wise steward of your medi-flex resource this year and have nothing left in your account? Then I would suggest buying a box of envelopes. Whenever you or your loved ones or close friends (including the family cat and dog) have the sniffles and sneezes, just make sure to cough hard enough to coat the inside of a few envelopes. Seal this little germ treasure chest and mail it to your representative in government and to your medi-flex accounting firm. There is no reason why you shouldn't spread your wealth around.
In any case, I have been submitting job applications about the town in hopes of some part-time work. After all, the holiday season is almost here and someone has to help these overpriced stores sell their substandard merchandise to bleary-eyed shoppers who are hyped up on coffee and the overwhelming drive to get their snotty nosed kids the latest and greatest fad. Of course, I mean that in a good way. At least, that's how I hope the store manager took my comments during today's interview. Otherwise he must have been lying when he said he was looking for a hard-working and honest worker -- and there's nothing dishonest about what I said. As for hard-working ... well, I'm looking, aren't I!
Saturday, November 06, 2010
All is not lost. You could think of this as a bad thing as you miss crucial appointments. Or you can be positive and think of this as an wonderful opportunity to become very wealth. Got fired because you over slept since your alarm is off by hour? Sue! Missed that life changing appointment because of a wayward alarm? Sue! Upset because you're a guy with a girl's name? Sue!
So smile and remember to set that appointment for yourself to fix your iPhone alarm. Just make sure it set for an hour earlier.
Monday, November 01, 2010
But we Americans seem to be addicted with buying homes. The latest goings-on in the news almost make you want to reconsider and check into a residential rehab for homeowners who are ready kick the habit. Of course, this means moving into a tent somewhere deep in the woods. But no one said rehabilitation is easy.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
“Oh, I'll just go buy a couple of bottles of diet pills,” she said slimly. “That's not necessary,” he told her. “Out of all of the best diet pills for women, I have the perfect one. And all you'll need is just one!” “Really?” she asked inquisitively. “What is it?”
As proud as any man could be without giving any forethought to the consequences of his actions, he stood in front of her and arrogantly held out a 4 inch round cork stopper. “Ta-da!” He shouted. She looked at him as if he had lost his mind, which he had. “I can't use that!” she exclaimed. “Not only will I not be able to eat but I won't build to talk as well!” Not knowing when to keep his month shut, he boosted, “I told you it was perfect!”
And that's when the fight began …
When we first read "alligator bites", we thought perhaps restaurant was just trying to be obvious. But there was no other similar phrases listed, such as "fish swim", "dogs bark", or "cook spits". So being the adventurous guys that we are, we ordered a couple of servings of this reptilian delicacy. I have to admit – the alligator was rather tasty. It tasted like, well, … chicken.
This brings me to the main point of this post. When the first caveman ate chicken for the first time, what did he compare it to?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
It's been five years since my divorce became official. One of the conditions was that I would give half the value of our home to my ex and she would take her name off the property. So I took out a hefty loan to pay her and she, well, I'm still waiting on her to sign the quit claim.
I asked her about it last week. Turns out that she wants part of the money I earned from working two and three jobs to pay for our divorce. Can you say greedy? It's funny to think that at one time I put her on a pedestal. I'm thinking now that I had the order reversed.
I'm sure I could her to fulfill her obligation by paying her off. But it's not like I could take a payday advance to make this happen. After all, those payday advances are just that – an advance that you pay off on your next payday. The way things are going with her, this extortion will last years. And yet, you know what? It's still worth it!
Between you and me, that did make my day. I understood what he meant. Most of the guys and gals who are nearing or have surpassed the half-century mark will stand at the bottom of the stairs and call up to us instead of making the Herculean effort to walk up a few steps. And fortunately, most of those people are in upper management. So if we don't want to talk to them, we sit very, very still in our chairs until they go away. I guess being spry has its advantages.
Let's face it. I am becoming what I had hoped I’d never to be – a curmudgeon. Any moment now, I'm going to step on my Internet porch and start shouting, "Hey you kids! Get off my blog!" I think I have a good idea now of why Henry Thoreau moved out into the middle of tiny log cable in the woods by himself.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I watched as one acrobatic daredevil plunge down the steep incline at neck breaking speeds. His momentum allowed him to race quickly up the other side, off the shiny quarterpipe and into the deep blueness of the California sky. There he paused, seemingly suspended forever in the air. Then slowly, gracefully, he returned back to the slick ramp to repeat a process that would have earned the envy of Sisyphus. Well, he might have repeated this process had his front wheels touched the inclined ramp and not the top of the horizontal platform. Sadly, because the laws of physics must be obeyed, his multicolored skateboard stopped instantly. However, our brave skateboarder didn't as he continued on his travels. He bounced face first down the smooth ramp and ricocheted sideways onto the adjacent though-not-as-smooth concrete walkway. Fortunately for him, the side of his face absorbed momentum of his movement. And while he didn't earn any points, he did earn the best acne treatment any young 20-something can ask for – road rash and skin grafts.
And to think I got to watch this all for free!
Of course, all of that has changed. A couple months after the new company bought our business, they fired the workout instructor when they permanently laid off several workers. Now, there's only one or two people who still try to make a point to work out a couple of times during the week. Otherwise, the showers and the used gym equipment sit in the darkness and wait their turn to be permanently laid off. I should take advantage and get back into working out before I lose this resource as well.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Anyway, I've heard that habit is overcome by habit. And eating is a habit. So I thought I would overcome eating food by using hoodia diet pills - using not eating. I found if I take and put a pill between each finger including my thumb and do this for both hands, I would spend much the day trying to get the pills between each finger including my thumb on both hands. Finally, when I had successfully achieved this Cirque du Soleil feat, not only could I not pick up any food, I could no longer hold any utensils by which to eat the food. Now if I can make this a daily habit, eating won't be a problem, will it…
Warning! This is not for the faint of heart or those without a sense of humor!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Last week, a new recruit was cleaning out one of the dungeons of despair, I mean, cubicle to make room for her new office. She picked up one of those "Velo binding" machines and looked at me as though I was the museum manager of ancient artifacts. I ended up explaining that, once upon a time, presentations weren't done with a high definition LCD screen in front of an bored audience. We actually had to print up booklets, assemble them with fancy bindings, and then hand them out so we could all turn the pages together while someone in the front of the room would read to us. It was considered a good meeting if the booklets were in color. It was considered a very good meeting if food was available. It was considered a great meeting if you didn't have to attend. In fact, at the end of the year, you would have a file cabinet full of written memorabilia so you could relive the hours that you wasted in meetings. Ah, good times, good times. Nowadays, you have only memories. And if you're lucky, they will file themselves in those irretrievable places in your mind. Ah, better times, better times...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Regardless, there is something magical when you see a teenager's eyes fixate on those car keys. I say magical because when you dangle those car keys over their heads, they suddenly possess the speed and ambition not normally seen around times when dishes need to be washed or when homework needs to be done. Yes, those keys possess a magic that you won't find in any pixie dust or witch’s wand.
What about when that fateful day of the driving test arrives? You can tell which teenagers have learned to stand on their own two feet – they're the ones who failed the test. But even if they passed the exam and the state foolishly grants them a license, you as a parent, as a responsible adult, as a gatekeeper of all that is precious and holy, still have the power to keep your hormonal raging child from becoming a road raging, driving fool. All it takes, my friend, is two words, two very simple yet extremely powerful words. When they come to you, whining in voices that make nails on a chalkboard a very welcomed sound and ask why can't they drive the car, all you have to say is "car insurance."
Thursday, October 07, 2010
The new XD steps it up with 1080p HD video quality and extended-range wireless.
Bad Picture Quality
Pros: Easy to set up, Easy to use
Cons: Poor picture quality, Inconsistent performance
Describe Yourself: Netflix fan, Power User, Early adopter, Technophile
At first, I thought I had a bad unit. The Roku-XD produced a strobing effect in the video. It reminded me of the old Macrovision copy protection feature used in playing VHS tapes. There were horizontal bands of brightest and darkest and seem to happen only during when there is sound. I used the composite video output to an old standard TV (no HDMI involved). If I adjust the brightness and contrast down enough, the strobing in the video is almost gone. Of course, the picture quality is very dark.
I must say that Roku's customer support is excellent! Within a week, I had a replacement unit. But, sadly, it has the same problem of strobing video.
I still have the unit I bought last year and it works very well. In fact, it has more video out options that Roku's newer models. I think Roku may have gone to a very cheap digital-to-analog conversion chip set.
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Anyway, the latest technological challenge for geeks everywhere is 3-D TV. While at a electronic trade show recently, I got a chance to preview what is coming out for this Christmas shopping season. In one large booth, just past the scantily clad models (who, sadly, were not female), stood a large wall covered in the latest 3-D HD television screens. These pricey toys showed off majestic scenery that flickered fast enough to tease the eye into wanting more. A salesman strolled up to me and asked my opinion. As I watched vibrant images of colorful fields with swaying wheat, barley and corn, I said it was a little grainy for high definition. They threw me out of the tradeshow…
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sadly, there is nothing hypothetical about the situation. Here is a woman who has done just that. And, in 2010, she is still here ... living off of your money. For your viewing pleasure, allow me to present to you President Obama's aunt:
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I have a better, more humanitarian option for you get in shape. It's from my upcoming "best fat burning exercises with no money down" program (only $19.94 plus shipping, handling and words if you act now). It's very easy in fact. Just find an elder person who lives on the third floor or higher and has Parkinson's disease. Do your good deed each day by carrying them up and down the stairs of their home. Not only will you be a good Samaritan by assisting in their movement, you will also be helping yourself get in top shape and save more than $19.95 in the process (especially if you act now to buy my program). Stay tuned for more...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Then, as time worked its eroding magical ways into your blooming relationship, there came another defining moment. One where expectations in behavior began to go unfulfilled and assumptions about what each other's love meant began to become challenged. This continued until that routine phone call ended without those three little words being tagged on to "goodbye." Again, relationship changed for the worse and then for the better.
Friday, September 10, 2010
No, he said he meant that he abstains from just the good stuff ("good stuff" - my translation). It seems he prefers to live in the real world – you know that illusion created by the lack of alcohol. Mind you, there's nothing wrong with sobriety as long as it's done like everything else … in moderation. But not with my friend. He prefers to be drier than desert air after it has gone through a series of humidifier filters. As for me, perhaps I'm drinking myself to slow death. But that's okay because I'm in no rush to get there anyway.
Monday, September 06, 2010
If you're studying marketing or economics in school and your teacher asks you if it's possible for people to trade their long, hard hours of work for extremely poor return on their money. You've got an easy "A" if you use the cell phone market for your example. Extra points if you're going to answer "politics".
Sunday, September 05, 2010
The good news is that my grandson won't have any memories of being dressed up in clothing that he would never wear, or of being paraded from house to house in search of candy that he will never eat. So now is the time to get the pictures and videos of blackmail quality. I've got to fund my retirements years some how...
His comedy wasn't for the faint hearted or those easily offended by rough language. But his brilliant routines weren't vulgar for the sake of vulgarity as seems to be the trend of late. There is a reason why he was named as one of Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Comics. No bribes were involved, just talent. He just had a way of putting unpleasant situations into side-splitting perspective --- something *I* need to being doing more of.
Rest In Peace, Mr. Schimmel. You will be missed ...
Friday, August 27, 2010
I understand that I had similar fun times as a baby with my grandfather in England. Sadly, I don't remember any of them. My earliest memory is sitting and playing in a mud colored running stream of water that resulted from a flash flood in Texas. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't in Texas as part of a witness relocation program.
Anyway, how many people have we delighted and had wonderful experiences with but can't remember a single moment because of our immature brains? I can't help but wonder if we might have become better people had we had those enduring memories to get us through those tough days of youth. Or, at the very least, I wish that my grandson would remember our special times … especially in the coming days when I can't.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The air is fresh and bug free by vents I specially designed to pierce the ground that hides under the canopy of my home’s crawl space. Depending upon the time of year, you would find yourself luxuriously cooled or warmed by the unchanging temperature of the surrounding earth. The allure of a deliciously stocked refrigerator and soft lights powered by tapped electricity seductively beckon you to stay.
But you can’t. This is my domain. Stealthy and slavishly built. This is my attempt to recharge --- so I can fight good fights of righting wrongs, of providing to those in need, of teaching by example and … of staying alive long enough to make a difference. Your overwhelm desire to remain doesn’t matter. For the brief time I am In this sanctuary, I can selfishly ignore what you and everyone else wants. How did you get here anyway? OH, wait. I guess every super hero needs a trusty sidekick.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I’ve read quite a bit lately on Microsoft Live Essentials. Included in their package is a new version of Live Writer. So here is a test of Live Writer to place a post on this blog without having to sign in first.
Spell checking works. Word counting works and will be very helpful for assignments.
Here is an insertion test of a map. Unfortunately, Live Writer uses Bing for its maps. So when I ask for the location of “Jack Britt High School” (#4 in the state of public high schools and in the top 100 in the entire United States), Bing wasn’t even close. Fortunately, I could manual direct the map to the proper location. Insertion works fine.
Previewing an unpublished post works. However, you don’t see the first post on your blog, only the second and subsequent entries. Minor annoyance…
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Sunday, August 01, 2010
But, like you've heard, it only takes one mistake to whip out a million good deeds. The undelivered Oreos infuriated its intended devouree. So much so that they informed the world of their displeasure with furious "WTF" Facebook post.
Here's where you have to decide what the mature response should be. Do you flame back on the post? Do you start pointing out all the good that you've been doing to enhance their life? Do you remind them that they aren't 5 years old? Or, do you ignore this public tantrum and go on with your life?
Sometimes, it's better to ignore what people put on Facebook and hope that they realize how silly it reads to other people. That was my strategy. And the Oreos? They were delicious!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
In rulings yesterday, you can now "jailbreak" your iPhone without worrying about the Apple police taking you to court. In doing so, you can then run whatever app you would like to run, such as Google Voice --- that wonderfully helpful application that Apple has tried to kill again and again.
Of course, even though you can now legally modify your phone, Apple is not obligated to honor its iphone warranty if you mess up your expensive piece of electronics.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
1) Never having to go to a weight watchers meeting. "Pizza face" suggests pizza which suggests big, floppy slices of cheese and sauce and chewy goodness. I'm pretty sure any reminders of food are strictly forbidden at weight watchers meetings.
2) Never having to be inconvenience by a "could you watch my sweet, innocent child for a few moments while I run to the store?". No one wants their "sweet, innocent child" traumatized ... or do they?
3) See #2. Getting to be the reason for good behavior on the part of children. "You better behave or I'll have Pizza Face baby-sit you!"
4) Paid modeling gigs as the 'before' photo for shady products.
5) Paid modeling gigs as the 'after' photo that dramatizes the results of competitors' products.
6) Guaranteed seat to yourself on the public transportation!
7) Well, do I have to all of your thinking for you? Send me your list of benefits for having acne.
Monday, July 12, 2010
If you don't have ownership of the fruits of your labors, you are a slave. It would seem old Jesse should be rallying against the tax system which makes slaves of us as the governments go above and beyond funding necessary services. As for Ohio and California, apparently they don't know the difference between quick weight loss diet for bloated budgets and inviting starvation by running their money makers out of town.
Friday, July 09, 2010
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
First her house. This weekend, I'm going to grab a pair of old work gloves and start throwing her stuff, I mean, gently distributing her fine belongings into a rental truck for a slow ride to the storage business. Next, she'll come to my house and begin happily tossing my treasures into the garbage bin. That's ok. My ex took the good stuff several years ago. By now, I've learned it's all replaceable ... just like me.
But that was then. Today, you want to move on to bigger and, hopefully, better times. Today, you take those memories and put them on wabbly tables with paper tags for the world to see. Today, you deface several telephone poles in your neighborhood with a poster printing those car-screeching words "Yard Sale! Everything must go!" Today, you resist that overpowering urge to do a background check on every bargain seeker that stops in your yard. You have to trust that your memories will either end up in good homes or bring terrible nightmares to the new owners. Today, you move on ...
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Thursday, June 03, 2010
I mention this because I had to go to a site called dietsthatwork.net. The site covers all the famous diets except the granddaddy of them all, that simple "eat less, exercise more" one. Now I know why I'm not rich. I'm not selling complicated solutions.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
The good news is that BP is an evil oil company which will be forced to pay for its mistakes. Had it been an evil bank, we taxpayers would be paying ...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I got the results of my certs test a few days ago. I did well in 2 out of 3 areas. That same day, I had 2 out of 3 tell me my breath was fine. But it only takes one part to keep you from getting that good job ... or that great kiss.
I'm studying again. Next time, I'll even take some Certs with me!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Though part of my professional career was spent repairing the early video games, I just haven't had time or the money to play this decade's gaming systems. But now, I don't have an excuse not to buy at least buy some of the good games that I've been wanting to play. Now if I could find a site that gives me free time ...
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Then the floods hit Nashville a few days ago. (No, her water did not break!) Her body, not accustomed to the increase blood system in system, went into labor just as waters buried the roads to the hospital. She was in such a state that the emergency crews had to airlift her to the Nashville Medical Center. (What some people will do for a free helicopter ride!) The medical team pumped her full of drugs to try and stop the contractions. They also injected her with enough steroids to make several athletes jealous. But in my niece's case, the steroids are to speed up the development of the babies' lungs. Fortunately, she not competing in the Olympics any time soon. But I am buying a set of weights for the twins after they're born.
On Friday, the hospital sent my niece home and confined her to her bed. Monday, we'll learn about the blood test that determine if the doctors will take the babies prematurely. We're all hoping for the best. A few more weeks of womb service would do the babies good.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Today, she went around work showing off a new, beautiful, expensive engagement ring. Mela then raved about big plans to honeymoon in the Bahamas. Yeah, nice. Anger was the only emotion I felt when I saw the shiny piece of metalized gems and heard about her plans. She's been seeing this guy for less than 6 months and I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 8 years now. My girlfriend and I are planning on getting married this year. But still, between taking care of 3 households, not only can't I afford a wedding ring, I can't even consider paying for a honeymoon trip. I'm have to cater to everyone's financial needs at the expense of my wants to please a gorgeous, wonderful woman. What am I going to do?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Writing isn't one of their normal production activities but today was different. Today, our human resource lady had handed out "employee satisfaction survey" forms. The explosion of frustration with management was about to make the recent eruption of Icelandic volcano look like a tiny firecracker. You could tell just by the way these normally sedate women attacked the few lines for comments at the end of the 3 page survey. Not only did the workers pass along a couple of timely suggestions, some took the opportunity to completely fill the back blank side of the page.
I eagerly filled out my form shortly after receiving it. But I couldn't add any comments. Though the paperwork didn't want your name, it did want you to identify which area you worked in, your general job label, and whether you were hourly or salary. With 80 of us still employed, it wouldn't take the genius of Sherlock Holmes to figure which comments were mine. I don't think management would fire me immediately. Chances are they would just hold a grudge, one of those long, lingering, festering grudges that get acted on when the time is right.
The question is will the top dogs share the results when they finish compiling the surveys? How will they react to the unleashed resentment of their 'highly valued' employees? Will most of us still have our jobs in the coming months? The adventures continue ...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I'm also getting things I've never had before such as outdoor furniture. Originally, after spending much of my youth in New Hampshire, I thought an outdoor chair was just a dead log that you sat on in the middle of the woods. Using outdoor cushions meant wearing a couple layers of long johns, a pair or two of wool pants and a down coat stuff with a few million duck feathers. Apparently, I've missed out on the finer things of life. But that is what happens when you both go into marriage for a second time -- it is the triumph of hope over experience. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
So you other girls can dry your tears. You had your opportunity but another far more gorgeous creature has captured my heart and soul. Of course, if you are happy about my upcoming nuptials, you can send your well-wishes wrapped in tinsel and bows. I also accept VISA and Mastercard.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
In any case, you could only expect the founder of our country to recommend one of the only three methods of human-powered locomotion available --- the other two being running and rolling. Rolling is reserved for small children and drunks. And running, well, even President Jefferson knew that we are born with a finite number of heartbeats. So why waste those precious beats on moving quicker than you have to. At least, that's my excuse. And if that's good enough for the writer of the constitution ...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Do you have health friends that don't need insurance? Great! They are the ones who get to subsidize your sickly life style. Don't worry. It's not your fault. And as long as you keep voting for politicians who support you, everything will be ok! In fact, I understand there is legislation under way to pay for all of your funeral expenses! Yes, as of today, it is good to be an Amerikan!
(Health Rant #2 is here)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Almost three years ago, Massachusetts began their little version of Obama's federal plan. Today, their great social experiment is running into serious financial problems. There's a reason why Boston's Mr. Kennedy was replaced by someone outside of his circle of influence. There's a reason why Obama will be making trips to "sell his new law to a reluctant public" as several news organizations have put it.
Yes, the health care process needs overhauling. But you would think Congress would start by fixing problems that they caused first, not by adding to the mess.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
My heart pounded with passion. I couldn't help but sigh with longing. As the store manager rushed by me at the pace of an olympic walker, he screeched to a halt upon hearing my romantic tones. "Is anything wrong, sir?" he asked. "No, nothing at all," I cooed. Pointing at the aging angel, I murmured "I think she likes me! If she moves any slower, I may faint!" He glanced at his worker and said, "Sir, she moves that way because she arthritic." "But she winked at me!" I protested. He put a brotherly arm on my shoulders. "That's not a wink. She has a twitch from her medication. And she partially blind," he calmly informed me.
After that, it was a very unhappy happy meal as I salted the fries with my tears ....
Monday, March 08, 2010
Case in point. My daughter was having a little problem with her PSP. (I'm using acronyms of today from here on out to "keep it real.") Once I figured how to get the WiFi connected, I d/l the latest patches, reconfigured the OS and, Ta-Da (old school acronym "I be jammin' now"), everythin' was solid. Now, I've got some tight music (Jazz Fusion) and audio books on the PSP so my games be jumpin'. The only problem is not enough micro sd RAM. But that's ok. I don't wanna pwn the kiddies too badly. Just enough to scare 'em. Holla!
Tuesday, March 02, 2010