Thursday, September 30, 2010

Why Are Americans Fed Up With Their Government?

Let's say, hypothetically speaking, that you come to America in 2000 and stay illegally. In 2004, an immigration judge orders you to return to your country. What do you do? What a silly question! You stay! Why not, you live in public housing and you are getting welfare.

Sadly, there is nothing hypothetical about the situation. Here is a woman who has done just that. And, in 2010, she is still here ... living off of your money. For your viewing pleasure, allow me to present to you President Obama's aunt:

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Where are you, Billy Mays?

I miss Billy Mays. You know, that overly enthusiastic, always smiling, TV pitchman who died last year at the ripe age of 49. He was the spokesman you could always find during the wee hours of the morning or on Sundays when nothing good was playing. He could take tongue-tangling phrases such as "rainbow light complete prenatal system" and make it reverberate throughout your brain. You can almost hear his baritone voice excitingly say "Let me do a rainbow light complete prenatal system review just for you! Act now and I double it! rainbow light complete prenatal system review, rainbow light complete prenatal system review!" That's what I need right now. Someone who can take mundane phrases and put a little life in it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My Company's Exercise Plan for Us

Fall is in the air as I awake to cooler nights and labor in days unfettered by summer's furnace. Just in time too. At work, they finally got the air conditioning working! And, to make up for those sweltering days that we endured, they have it on full blast to match the 50 degree temperatures outside. Woo Hoo! Now I can sit in my office and watch my fingers freeze into a gnarled lumps on my keyboard. I would complain but shivering is one of those fat burners that actually work. Not only does it keep your muscles in constant motion but you often miss your mouth while eating because your hands are shaking so much. It's a w-w-w-w-w-w-win-n-n-n-n-n-n-n, w-w-w-w-w-w-win-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!

Those anti-social ants

I watched a Discovery episode about how social ants are. Really? When was the last time an ant befriended you on Facebook? What was the @ant twitter that you received? The only social skills I've experienced is having these annoy specks of life raid my home for food and water and then stay a while on my couch. (Kind of like my brother-in-law but without the gas attacks and constant requests for money.) Maybe if ants were more social and pleasant, I wouldn't try to kill them so often. They could start by using their tiny mandibles and immense numbers to keep my lawn cut and hedges trimmed.  Then they could politely knock on my door and perhaps share the good news as Jehovah Witness Ants.  For now, I will extend a friendly finger and thumb ... and squash them.

Shake, shake, shake to a new you

Lately, I have been blessed by the most idiotic exercises scams on television. The latest is an ad for a set of weights that shake while you do bodily exertions. And for only $19.95 ... plus shipping, handling, taxes, insurance, costs for packing, wrapping, and the actual product if you act now.

I have a better, more humanitarian option for you get in shape. It's from my upcoming "best fat burning exercises with no money down" program (only $19.94 plus shipping, handling and words if you act now). It's very easy in fact. Just find an elder person who lives on the third floor or higher and has Parkinson's disease. Do your good deed each day by carrying them up and down the stairs of their home. Not only will you be a good Samaritan by assisting in their movement, you will also be helping yourself get in top shape and save more than $19.95 in the process (especially if you act now to buy my program). Stay tuned for more...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

As you go through your daily challenges, remember to stay positive. No matter what happens, stay positive! Regardless of the situation, find the good in it. If you find yourself traveling across country in the middle of summer, in a car without air conditioning and with a nagging mother-in-law next you, smile! There are lots of motherless drivers who would give their farmer-tanned arm to have, at the very least, an irritating mother-in-law riding beside them. So sit up straight and enjoy the ride. Be positive! If her misguided but well-intentioned chatter cause you to swerve and wreck, have fun with it. You both survived and that brand new Mercedes can be replaced. As you file the seemingly endless forms of car insurance claims, be sure to write on them "shortly after the old bag went off, the airbag followed suit." See! You can do it! Remember that even a self deprecating Emo is an optimist when they see the cup as half full ... with their own tears. So don't worry! Be happy!

Monday, September 13, 2010

the end of times or the beginning of better dialog?

Think back to that incredible time when you experienced that most exciting, erotic form of insanity known as Love. Do you remember the very first time when you or your wonderful object of affection took that important leap of faith and said those three words that would change your lives for better or for worse: "I love you."

Then, as time worked its eroding magical ways into your blooming relationship, there came another defining moment. One where expectations in behavior began to go unfulfilled and assumptions about what each other's love meant began to become challenged. This continued until that routine phone call ended without those three little words being tagged on to "goodbye." Again, relationship changed for the worse and then for the better.

Friday, September 10, 2010

over the teeth and through the gums

My friend told me that he was a total abstainer. Really? Completely and totally? Wouldn't that mean that he abstained even from abstention? When I asked him that, he looked at me like I was the one who made the crazy comment.

No, he said he meant that he abstains from just the good stuff ("good stuff" - my translation). It seems he prefers to live in the real world – you know that illusion created by the lack of alcohol. Mind you, there's nothing wrong with sobriety as long as it's done like everything else … in moderation. But not with my friend. He prefers to be drier than desert air after it has gone through a series of humidifier filters. As for me, perhaps I'm drinking myself to slow death. But that's okay because I'm in no rush to get there anyway.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Can you hear me now?

I subscribe to several newsletters that cover electronic, computer and Internet trends and developments. Lately they've been filled with a barrage of blurbs for mobile apps and other cell phone enhancements. Unfortunately for me, this is one electronic gadgetry bandwagon that I haven't jumped on. But I don't feel too deprived … from dropped calls and poor sound quality. All of my friends and family involve me in their happy cell phone world every time they call me from their overpriced, overrated, overfee-based and overtaxed marvel of consumerism.

If you're studying marketing or economics in school and your teacher asks you if it's possible for people to trade their long, hard hours of work for extremely poor return on their money. You've got an easy "A" if you use the cell phone market for your example. Extra points if you're going to answer "politics".

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Halloween as a retirement fund raiser

Halloween is coming up and my grandson is at that unfortunate age where his mom plans to dress him up in one embarrassing outfit or another. The embarrassing part will take place years from now, when pictures of his halloween costumes might be shown to his potential girlfriends while saying sugary sweet comments like, "He was as cute as a young Justin Bieber that Halloween." (Of course, by that time that comment gets uttered, Justin Bieber may be the crazed Mel Gibson of his day.)

The good news is that my grandson won't have any memories of being dressed up in clothing that he would never wear, or of being paraded from house to house in search of candy that he will never eat. So now is the time to get the pictures and videos of blackmail quality. I've got to fund my retirements years some how...

RIP Robert Schimmel

He was one of those gifted comedians who could take tearful tragedy and make it into a hilarious event. His material came from the misfortunes, tragedies and struggles that painfully erupted from within his brief life span. He had gone through the financial and emotional torture of divorce and endured incapacitating effects of a heart attack. When the doctors discovered stage III lymphoma cancer, they gave him six months to live. Nine years after that fatal diagnosis, he still have audiences rolling in the aisles – and not because he was performing at epilepsy conventions.

His comedy wasn't for the faint hearted or those easily offended by rough language. But his brilliant routines weren't vulgar for the sake of vulgarity as seems to be the trend of late. There is a reason why he was named as one of Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Comics. No bribes were involved, just talent. He just had a way of putting unpleasant situations into side-splitting perspective  --- something *I* need to being doing more of.

Rest In Peace, Mr. Schimmel. You will be missed ...

A Once and Great Contributor

With all the recent stories of atrocities committed in the name of Mohammed, it's difficult to believe that there was once a time known as the golden age of Islam. During the peak of this time in the eighth and ninth centuries, Muslim rational thought worked in concert with its religious dogma. As a result, our civilized world benefited greatly from such life enhancing innovations as algebra, glass mosaic tile, and the astrolabe. Sadly, toward the end of the ninth century, an anti-rational faction began to dominate the faith, forcing Islam into its own version of the dark ages that it has never arisen from. It is unfortunate that a once great contributor to the advancement of humankind has become plagued with those who prefer contributing needless suffering and acting as formidable obstacles to human survival.