Saturday, August 30, 2008

What Do You Do For Your Pet?

Some people go overboard in what they will do and buy for their precious pets. I know that you've seen toothpaste with whiteners to give dogs that dazzling snarl and minty fresh breath. Keep in mind, this product is for animals who also lick their behind. There's also wax for turtles which, oddly enough, can only be found in automotive stores. Apparently this is for the fast-and-the-furious turtles. And let's not forget snake oil products for your squeaky snake.

Fortunately, pet owners have not gone completely overboard with undying love for their animal companions. We have yet to see a chic Jeri curl spray for gerbils, holistic hemorrhoid treatments for halibuts (named Eric), or the best acne treatments for hairless cats. But don't be surprised when you do find these items in your local pet shop.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am very fond of several kinds of animals. I frequently dote on them with my favorite animal accessory -- gravy.

I Know Who You're Going To Vote For ...

On one side of the political spectrum, you have a African American and a Catholic. On the other side, you have an advanced AARP member and a Alaskan American woman. It's a battle of the minority groups, folks! So what is a white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant man going to do? I don't know. Not only am I not a W.A.S.P., none of this really applies to me. No matter how hard both parties make this election about looks, family history, genetic tans, and religious beliefs, this process is about deeds -- what these people have and have not done as politicians. That's what really matters and affects me ... and you!

Actually your election choice could be quite simple. [read more...]

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Looking Out For My Girlfriend's Best Interests

There they are: shiny, perfect $3000 pearls from exotic Tahiti. Yeah, I would love to give this exquisite jewelry to my girlfriend. But she would probably pass out from the shock of receiving such a gift. We can't have that happen. Above all things, I need to watch out for her well being! She has enough trauma in her life. And who am I to cast Tahitian pearls before swoon? So, I must spare her this risk of fainting and forgo buying such breath-taking pearls.

No need to thank me. That's the kind of boyfriend I am.

Friday, August 22, 2008

How 'Stars' Keep Their Face In Front of You

It seems like it has been several years since I've heard anything almost resembling music from Jessica Simpson. Normally, when those claiming to be artists don't come out with something new every few months (or with someone else's material rehashed), they tend to fade from view. But not Jessica. Every Saturday, I turn on my TV and there she is pimping Proactiv acne cream. I guess if your looks can sell your warblings, perhaps they can also sell acne medicines too. Either way, you're guaranteed a paycheck for a little while longer.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Drumming To Remove Weight

I just learned that rock drummers are as physically fit as top athletes. Good news, right? Definitely additional motivation for me to get back into playing and into shape. Heaven knows (as most of my friends do) that I need some exercise. I was planning to take the lazy route and arm curl weight loss pills into my mouth. But I can tell you that playing the drums is a lot more fun.

I could combine weight loss pills and drumming. But how well would that really help my physique? After all, those thinning tablets are too small to hit effectively with a stick. And even with a handful of dieting capsules, I couldn't play any songs longer than a few seconds as I bounce them off the drum heads -- unless I was talented enough and quick enough to catch the pills on the rebound. Given my current coordination, I would probably end up catching a pellet or two with my eye. Of course, if I couldn't see how fat I was getting ... hmmmmmmm

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What to Get My Ex For Her Birthday?

In spite of my former spouse's shenanigans -- her childish actions and inactions -- I think that I've done a pretty good job of not conveying my frustrations with her. Our children think that I've been too civil with her. Maybe they are right.

She has a birthday coming up. Since it is August, I am tempted to send her a pile of snow along with a note, "Do you get my drift, you flake? I just wanted to remind you how your selfishness melted away a good thing."

Bitter? Oh no, I'm not bitter! Well, perhaps a tad so. It's just troubling that, 30 months after the divorce decree, she is still interfering with my life and my finances. I am so disappointed that this 53 year-old won't tend to her responsibilities. When I first married her, I thought that we would grow old together. I didn't know that I would be spending much of our marriage trying to help her grow up. Now that we are divorced, all I can do is wait and hope...

Monday, August 11, 2008

Thieves in High Places

Two weeks ago, thieves broke into my shed and stole my lawn mower. No problem, I have my homeowners insurance. Yet, after paying 20 years into that policy, I learned that I have a $250 deductible to meet before those scam artists will pay for a new mower. Great!

So now I've got to do something about my flourishing weeds before the town's lawn police extort more money from me. I think my best shot is to classify my yard as a very special Garden. I'll set up several lawn gnomes and toilet planters as part of my garden decor. Then I can dare the town to infringe upon my artistic rights and my anti-discrimination policy towards weeds. Nah, between the illegal thieves and the legal ones, I don't have a chance.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Just tryin' to help a friend out

A friend of mine wants to start an outdoor furniture business. For some reason, she wasn't too keen on my thoughts. I wonder why....? hee hee hee :D

Little Known Moments In History

In the early days of photography, only the rich and the very vain would do everything they could to have their picture taken. It isn't widely known that Napoleonic Armies of France made use of this human flaw as they invaded Austria.

For several days, a French general worked hard to overtake a strategic Austrian castle. When he learned that the Baron of the castle was an extremely vain man, the General sent word to the Baron that he was giving up his attack but wanted to take a photograph of the man he considered to be his superior. Knowing how good this would look in the history books, the Baron eagerly agreed. The French general also knew that the Baron wasn't the brightest sausage in the link. So this brilliant solder of Napoleon disguised a canon with a curtain to look like a very expensive camera set up. You know the results. The Baron posed. The French general said "Smile big for me!" and lit the fuse. The Baron was blown away by the skill of the invading photographer. And the French showed off their newly acquired castle in a series 8-by-10 glossies.

There have been many battles throughout the history of the world. But this moment marked the first use of the Canon camera.