Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Those were the days ... ackward and embarrassing

Walking is nothing more than the human art of controlled falling while keeping one foot on the ground. Running is nothing more repeated controlled falls while starting with both of your feet in the air. Throw a ball into this acrobatic mix with the intentions of being graceful and you have a soccer match.

I say "intentions of being graceful" because I was a member of the most awkward gang in high school – our soccer team. Our gang sign was a pair of crossed crutches and a signed cast. Great gang symbol until our coach decided to invest in some preventive maintenance.

After one particular grueling game that looked more like the reenactment of the Civil War battle that a soccer match, our thoughtful coach gave us supportive footwear to add our protective uniform. Thus, ankle brace soccer was born.

From then on, not only did our doctor bills drop but we also began to win matches. It wasn't due to any sudden technical prowess in our gaming skills. Our talented opponents could still run circles around us (as well as straight lines). However, our soccer foes didn't count on dangerous encounter with a pair of armored ankles at the end of unpredictable legs. Our feet suddenly became unintentional weapons of mass distraction and destruction. We “beat” our opponents … repeatedly during the match … with unexpected gyrations of our semi-controllable limbs.

By the end of the season, several of the opposing teams either had armed themselves or ran out of healthy players. Either way, everybody, including the high school bullies, feared for their safety and stayed out of our way. This is great until prom came along.

Monday, June 20, 2011

pauses that refresh

Yes, I know the my significant other and I might be been together longer than we realize. Our conversations sometimes have the long pauses that aren't caused from checking those seemingly compulsive handheld devices. This is a good! For one thing, we can't text "I luv u" "i luv u mor" "no, i do" "nid" "what's nid?" "no, i do" "nid 2 u" "nid urself"

note: "mor" is the new "more" of text speak. idk sometimes..

The Latest Gadgets Of Technology

You probably know that trail cameras are great little devices. You strap one of these high-tech objects to your forehead and record all the other natural objects slapping your face as you fly along those adventurous paths in the woods. You can also watch your recorded videos later and prove to your friends that a mean-spirited tree did in fact jump into your way. You can even replay over and over and over and over those moments when you caused monstrous logs to tumble into huge ponds of water, drenching you in the process.

Lately, these ingenious cameras have gotten so miniature and so inexpensive that doctors are using them to diagnose digestive problems. So now, you can ingest a trail mix camera and record all the other natural objects that slap your insides as your food flies along adventurous paths in your G.I. track. In the end, your doctor can replay those moments when you caused monstrous logs to tumble into huge ponds of water, drenching you in the process - but this time for a good cause.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

All American Strategies

Yesterday, Fayetteville won the "All American City" award. The other cities in the contest were angry, jealous, and claimed that Fayetteville cheated.

Cheated? Ok, last week, Kenny G and Michael Bolton did play at Fayetteville's Coliseum for one night only. Apparently, having Kenny and Michael leave your town is all it takes to suddenly look like the best city in America.

That's not cheating. That's brilliant marketing. "We're so good, we can repeal Kenny G and Michael Bolton." Las Vegas can't say that and they didn't win. Why? Look how many times the singing duo visit the Sin City. I rest my case!

Weep not for Mr. Weiner

Are you worried about the recent resignation of Congressman Anthony Weiner? After all, he is only 46 and had a long, promising career ahead of him. Unfortunately, he had step down from office after making public pictures of his congressional staff. Had it been you or I who posted pictures of our private parts in a similar fashion, we would've wound up in prison (unless we could have proven that our photos were actually government-funded art).

Yes, I know why you might be worried about this aspiring young man. Your concern may have arisen because you have learned how the retirement age will jump to 67 if you are 62 or younger in 2022. Mr. Wiener will only be 57 in that year, a full decade short of retirement. So very sad, indeed.

But wait! Let's not forget that Mr. Wiener is, or was, a member of Congress. According to the National Taxpayers Union, he gets to retire at 56 with an almost well-deserved pension of $1.12 million. Hurray!

I'm sure you're brimming with concern as you think, "But he's not 56, he's 46! What if he can't work any more? Will he be covered by social security disability insurance (SSDI)?" While I think you're getting a little carried away here, let me try and answer.

One of the requirements to get this insurance is that you can no longer do the work that you did previously. I think we can rest assured that Anthony won't be getting elected anytime soon.

Another requirement for SSDI, is that you can't adjust to other work because of your medical condition(s). Mr. Wiener may have fell from grace, but he is a former congressman. I’m sure calling in a couple of political favors from his medical buddies will fix this. They only need to attest that political embarrassment is a debilitating medical condition - one that will last more than a year. And it's already resulted in his political death (death being one more criteria to meet).

No, I think you are quite safe in not worrying about Anthony's financial future. Unlike the millions of us who have a bleak Social Security future, Mr. Wiener is just another sad congressional member who will make good on the greatest Ponzi scheme in history. So will you please stop your misplaced worrying?!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Big news today ...

A hot, 25 year old woman decided to not marry an ancient but rich 85 year old. In other news, my teenage daughter woke up in an unusually great mood this morning. She also heard that Hugh Hefner is now available again ...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Pay a visit, please

The pitiful economic times for my artistically talented sister and her husband have gotten worse. Fortunately, her finances are forcing my sister to pursue a dream that she would have done much earlier in her life, had she had the self confidence necessary to do so. She is finally putting her amazing art works on display and, for a price, you too can own one of this priceless paintings.

For the moment, I quickly created a web site for her, "Visions By Simonne", so she can get some Internet expose. You don't have to buy anything, but if you find yourself enjoying her works, please leave a comment to encourage her. Thanks!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A tad busy, you say?

Six weeks ago, I survived a needless traveling expense and appearance in divorce court. Four weeks ago, I had a much happier (though just as stressful and costly) time as I traveled again across three states for my son's high school graduation. Two weeks ago, my Memorial day "holiday" was filled with work -- no rest for the wicked. Last week was filled with my step daughter's family visiting and her high school graduation, with yet more time and money spent on the affairs of others. Today, the leak under my kitchen sink is nearing flood stage level. And tomorrow, I'm supposed to somehow work "table rock lake real estate at" into a post.

Don't worry about me. I think of something to do....

Saturday, June 04, 2011

P-P-P-Poker Face

On TV, for the gratification of lazy, Sunday viewers, one channel showed the Ultimate Poker Championship Finals. Almost as bad as watching people fish, yet I couldn't help but watch as these five people held small, stiff cards sit for stretches of time -- completely motionless and expressionless.

It was the lack of expression that got me. I certainly couldn't do it. I'm sure not many can.

So, if you do make it into the Poker Championship, is there any form of drug testing? Would the use of botox be considered doping?

Friday, June 03, 2011

Target ... Practice?

My rather burly neighbor is an avid hunter and fanatic fan of Target stores. Unfortunately, he also isn’t the brightest crayon in the knife drawer.

The other day, I found him armed with his shotgun, pinning several Target coupons on the clothesline. For some reason, he thought the 10%, 20%, and 50% markings on the coupons refer to the size of the hole that a good marksman can blasted in these valuable pieces of paper. I guess challenged is as challenged does.

One day, I accompanied him to Target (he’s not that kind of person you can easily say “no” to). As soon as we arrived in the parking lot, he slammed his truck in park, and jumped out of the cab like a man on a life-or-death mission. He then stuck out his arm, clenched his massive fist, and pointed his hairy thumb upwards. He sighted the store’s entrance along his human digital gun sight. With an impressive sprint for a man for his bulk, my special neighbor shoot himself towards the entry way. His repeated screams of “Target practice!” helped motivate surprised adults and scared children to leap out of his focused jaunt.

Apparently, he hadn’t had enough target practice. He missed the clearly marked entrance and ricocheted off an adjacent brick wall. Dazed, he staggered back 20 feet and shook his shaggy head. Then, up came his hefty arm with that thumb pointing skyward. Another yell and he launched himself at the doors, scoring a perfect bull's-eye.

I’m sure this would have been an awe-inspiring entry into Target … had the automatic doors opened with the speed necessary for the onrush of such a loyal lunatic. Of course, maybe he meant to strike the immovable center of the Target logo with his outstretch fist, stopping the momentum of his speeding body by crumpling his arm and falling to the ground. Having the doors then slide open was pure poetry. “Welcome to Target!”