Wednesday, November 09, 2016

How to explain the election to your children

Tonight, the news reported how social media teemed with posts from distraught parents agonizing about explaining the election to their impressionable children. Let me see if my few years of experience can help:

1) It's not one guy who's going to influence your life, it's 535 politicians.

2) Mommy and Daddy's bank account are still up for grabs by these politicians. It didn't matter who was elected.

3) How Mommy and Daddy get to spend whatever money is left after the politicians' grab is still up to the politicians. Again, regardless of who got elected.

4) 1 person, 1 vote? Nope. Mommy and Daddy goofed and believed in an urban legend. The truth is 565,166 people, 1 vote - 1 big fat cacophonous electoral vote.

3) Last of all, if Mommy or Daddy are upset by who won, they need to get a clue and grow up. We'll survive like we have through the last 100 years of idiot laws by self-serving bureaucrats.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

I caused global warming this winter. You're welcome.

Finally set up my drum kit and tried to play. I was able to raise the room temperature from 52 to 65 degrees (F) in an hour.

This means one thing: an army of me and 10 other uncoordinated drummers could raise havoc in a meat freezer. ‪#‎drum_sticks_as_weapons_of_massive_meat_destruction‬

And so ... since the 1970's, there has been a thousand percent increase in drummers. Hence, global warming ... based on my made-up statistics. All I need is a couple of million dollars in research grants to prove this complete true "fact". Won't you help me?

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Stop worrying about the enviroment and your weight.

Worried about not dieting enough? Don't. Your fat cells are built on carbon molecules. When people mention your weight gain, just tell them you're doing your part to save the planet - reducing your carbon print by expanding your butt print.

Worried about getting pregnant? Don't be. You're not having more children. You're simply building a generation of carbon sponges. Yes, financial sponges as well but cute ones nonetheless.

Well, yours are.

Just sayin'.

Monday, November 03, 2014

How to get things done.

Ah, fall-time and gardening - proof that if you put something off long enough, it's becomes too late to care.

Sunday, November 02, 2014

Let me just thank you right now.

Yay! With November, we gain yet more speed for that wonderful collision into the holiday season. A time when families travel vast distances to see each other and create new memories.

When an auntie will look downward at her wee nephew and say, "Oh, Ernie, you've grown so much since the last time I saw you."

And little Ernie will look up to his mom's sister and say, "Oh, Aunt Sally, you've grown so much since the last time I saw you."

It's those moments you need to capture and post for the rest of us. Thanks!

I will not be denied ... just delayed.

Lately I've been craving taste and texture of a soft-boiled egg relaxing on a piece of buttered bread.

Actually this craving has been over the last decade or so. But my hunger has been continually thwarted by little things like knowledge, time, eggs, and that most important piece of equipment - an egg cup.

This morning, as if to taunt me further, the Universe showed an info-mercial on cooking the perfect soft boiled egg with a magically egg-cooker thingy (only 5 easy payments of $99.99 and one really difficult payment involving your kidneys).

But the joke was on the Universe.  Today, I finally had the time, the eggs, and - with a little help from YouTube - the knowledge.

But no egg cup.

You think this trivial detail stopped me?  Much of my life seems to have been spent using the motto: "Adopt, adapt, and improve".  The elusive soft-boiled egg was to be mine! 

I searched everything I owed to improvise an egg cup.  It had to been sized between the bleach bottle cap and an old bed pan.  The rodent glue trap would do an excellent job of holding, but a poor job as a plate to catch the runny yolk.  There is a limit to how sticky a soft-boiled egg can be.  Although,  if you're hunger enough ..

Just as I started giving serious thought to picking off the dead bugs from the glue trap, there it was!  Hidden in the back of the dusty recesses of the uppermost kitchen cabinet - a Jagermeister shot glass. Well, more metal than glass.

But would this all work with this all come together and satisfy my hunger? Would my cravings finally be satisfied?

Oh yeah, baby!

As you can see, this antlered utensil held a jumbo egg perfectly. And the online cooking instructions helped me create the ultimate creamy yolk-filled soft boiled egg.

For a change, life is good!

Saturday, November 01, 2014

Where did you all come from? What's going on?

Today I signed in for the first time in 6 months. Can someone tell me what happened in September? The views of my posts have gone from 30 to 60 visitors to a range of 400 to 500.

Where did all you people come from? I made my last post here in May because, well, I was discouraged. I was getting reactions with my entries on Facebook and Twitter. Here in Bloggerland, the only visitors seemed to be spam bots and Russian blog hijackers.

So, again, where did you people come from? What brought you here?

All righty then. You've forced me to come up with new posts You need a reason to continue returning, yes?

Friday, October 31, 2014

This Halloween

For Halloween, my friend's wife really got into her sexy-SWAT get-up. Whenever he looked a sexy girl, his wife swatted him. It's not what you wear, but how you use it.


I thought the trick-or-treaters would be happier tonight as I handed out raw oysters.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Please tilt, tilt, tilt, tilt

No matter how far I lean while texting, my words are never sent in italics. So as you read this, please tilt to the side.

I would say let your political bent be your guide, but some people get a little too passionate in their views. We don't want anyone hurting themselves as they topple over.

And, instead of italics, my messages would become underlined.

Thank you.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Joys at o-dark thirty...

This morning as the sun rose, a million birds outside my window burst into beautiful song. As I laid there, serenaded by these melodious tunes, I thought about how this early-morning experience of Spring could be even more special - the city could allow shotguns as snooze alarms.

Perhaps "burst into song" isn't the most accurate phrase. It's not like there was a sudden joyous chorus of song, followed several small muffled explosions, a shower of feathers, then blessed silence.

It was more like an army of birds silently gathered at my open window, then repeatedly yelled a harmonious "SURPRISE!" until I got up.

To get even, I stood by open windows and cooked eggs ....

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Take your umbella, Love is in the air

Well, once again, love is in the air. Is your car's washer reservoir full? Are your wiper blades fresh? Nothing worse than a windshield smeared in plant love.

As for people, some will begin venturing into that scary world of pollinating, I mean, romance.

Not to worry. You have many ways to win someone's love: be kind and courteous, give special gifts, serenade with romantic music, remember their name.

The best way to win someone's heart? Be the lucky recipient on the hospital's transplant list.

Unlike the dating lottery, this heart will be with you for a lifetime, silently beating its support for you through good times and bad, perhaps with occasional twinges for your exceptionally bad behavior. (OK, maybe bouts of chest-clutching agony for you over-indulgent slobs.) Still, though they won't admit it, 4 out of 5 divorce attorneys say this is the less painful option.

Also less pane-full is having your car windows down.

So, good luck this Spring. May your heart beat strong and may your windshield be smear-free.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Great Winter Disaster of 2014

The east half of North Carolina is not built for winter. Over the past two days, snow and ice joined forces to bury us.

So this morning, I awoke to a disaster: Comcast is buy Time/Warner. It started with Comcast calling to get TWC's basic package, but ended being up-sold to the "exclusive whole company package" for $44 billion and one month free of HBO or Showtime.

The sale would have happened sooner, but the companies have been on-hold with each other since 2011. Anyway, the deal will be finalized on Wednesday between 8am and 6pm, assuming the CEOs aren't late at other appointments.

I'm not too worried about my Internet service with this merger. TWC gives me a consistent 28.8 kbps on my modem. How bad can it get with Comcast? Tin cans and string?

Nah, Comcast would have to invest in infrastructure. Just like I'm about to invest in my infrastructure: a cup of coffee and a long stare at the 5 inches of ice and snow in my driveway.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Thank you

I know I haven't released a lot of posts these past few months. My time has been spent saving the company to save my job.

That bout of cancer was a bit of a time-sink too.

Anyway, I do want to thank everyone for their birthday wishes. Your thoughts mean a lot to me.

Today was supposed to be a national holiday, but my plans for world domination were thwarted by one nap too many. Perhaps next year.

Actually, another birthday isn't that bad. In a way, I'm like Pinocchio who, had he not become a real boy, would say that he's not scare of growing old. Its just that aging petrifies him.

This year is one of those special years. When someone asks me how old I am, I raise my hand, open and close my fist twice, and say, "I'm this many." (Meaning 55)

The gesture's not quite as cute as when I was five. That doe-eyed cuteness met up with a half-century of "good clean" living (heavy emphasis on the quote marks) and turned into dough-eyed old-guy-ness.

Of course, aging has little to do with cuteness. Aging is about getting better - like wine and cheese. But not like bananas. Nobody wants to hug an old, overripe banana.

So this year, I've got to be the wine without being whiny. I've got to be the zesty cheese without smelling like limburger. And I've got to do what I can to avoid growing mushy brown spots.

So, thank you again for being my friends and family and readers. And for your support. And for your patience.

By the way, I apologize if I've miss your birthdays. To me, you are ageless and every day should be a birthday celebration - complete with donkeys and bouncy things. Sort of like a day at work, except YOU get to ride the donkey and get bounced by things of your choosing.

[p.s.s: I'll tried to release some earlier posts in the next few weeks. please bear with me]

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Now That's Magic!

At 57, magician extraordinaire David Copperfield is now engaged to Chloe Gosselin, a 28-year-old beauty. This effectively reduces Mr. Copperfield's act to a few minutes. David now waves his arms in theatrical fashion, dramatically gestures to himself and Ms. Gosselin, and says "Ta-Da!".

Thursday, December 05, 2013

My bad thoughts for the day

In a flashy TV ad, Victoria Secret announced their "bras are now half off" sale. I love a bargain but 50% off? What a deal! One breast exposed without the ritual of dinner-and-a-movie. Am I missing something ... aside from the other covered breast.

Naturally, I went to see Victoria Secret's generous offer. Man, was I embarrassed as the attractive clerk told me that the ad referred only to the price.

That's what I get for going to the Victoria Secret half-cocked. Of course, anything more would have gotten me banned from the store. Or arrested.


The Pope was once a bouncer? As he exorcise unruly patrons, did he say, "The power of Christ compels you ... out the door. Turn the other cheek and I'll smite thee on that one too."


Is it possible to find a prosthetic arm in a second-hand shop, or just ironic? What if you get it cheaper with a five-finger discount?

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

The hills are alive with the sound of snarking

Photo by Paul Hawthorne/Getty ImagesApparently, most people didn't like NBC's live version of the "The Sound of Music". Perhaps NBC should've had Julie Andrews reprise her role from the original 1965 movie.

Or maybe not. Even though a spry 78-year-old Ms. Andrews is still as talented as ever, how would the public react if she sang, "the hills are alive with the sound of mucilin"?

Friday, November 29, 2013

I am thankful for tools

Thanksgiving dinner? Nailed it! Mashed potatoes, mashed cranberry sauce, mashed turkey, mashed dinnerware. It's amazing what a great cooking tool a hammer can be ...

Monday, November 25, 2013

Beating at its own game

So George Kalogeropoulos, Ning Liang and Michael Wasser heard the wailing and the gnashing of teeth as good citizens tried to access the Governorment's Health Care site. Within a few days, they put together the web page that we should have had: no accounts to set up, no passwords to memorize, no multiple screens of denied access.

You simply enter your zip code and compare plans to your heart's content (and I hope your heart is a healthy one). As of this moment, their site covers 34 states with more states on the way.

Cost to taxpayers? Zero.

What are the chances these guys get the presidential Medal of Freedom?

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

my thought for today

I'm not saying my friend's marriage is in trouble, but the only time he pokes his wife now is on Facebook.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

knee-to-the-groin observation # 1306

Have you noticed how Fate pokes a fortunate few in their bank account? Then it laughs and pokes the rest of us in our eye.