Saturday, April 26, 2008

Springtime Entertainment At The Mall

Now that spring is here, you know what this means -- less clothes. For us guys, this means that the mall can become a source of visual entertainment. Not only are there beautiful women in outfits that make you glad to be a man, there are also those hilarious herds of guys who dress to attract as much attention as possible. Perhaps you have seen them too. They're usually wearing boardshorts at knee level so they can show off their baggy bloomers.

Any day now I expect a new trend to develop. So don't be surprised when you see these confused studs dragging their pants behind them with the belt connected to their ankle. Remember, you read it here first!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Instant Weight Loss

I think that the Earth is getting heavier as time goes by. Maybe you have noticed this effect as well. When I compare my weight to what I was in my 20s, I have undeniable proof that this is happening.

To counteract the Earth's tug on me, I tried using weight loss pills Unfortunately every time I lost the pounds, I ended up putting them back on. I was working in a lost-and-found that the time. My boss would say, "Hey, these pounds look familiar. Are they yours?" Of course they were so I would reluctantly put them back on.

I have the perfect idea for weight loss. We simply take all the billions of dollars spent on dieting and develop a space program to send out Mt. Everest into space. We'll instantly be a lot lighter and without any of the effort. Remember, you read it here first.

I Think Therefore I Sit

I sit too much, either hunched over a keyboard or behind a steering wheel. There, I said it. I sit for almost 3 hours while driving to and from work. Once at work, I can spend at least five hours confined to my desk (on a good day). At home, a few more hours find me sitting upright while working on various projects.

And since I gave up exercising last year for my New Year's resolution (15 straight months and counting, thank you), I've noticed that the Earth's gravity has increased slightly in its tugging power on my body. Lately, when I come out of that computer-screen-induced trance for those few seconds, I noticed that I'm hunched over the keyboard with a slight trickle of drool off the corner of my mouth. My abdomen is extended as if I was in my second trimester of labor. This probably explains my lower back pains. So I'm thinking that a posture corrector may be in order. Or a job where I can work in a big, old, comfy reclining chair...

The Ultimate CD Burner

I've been involved in the electronics industry for 30 years now. During these years, my friends and family have continually asked me for advice on the latest high tech gadgetry. It's gotten to the point where friends of my friends and family are getting in contact with me with their questions. The other day someone asked me about what would be best to put their music on to CDs. They named off artists and songs that they were interested in -- groups that basically were doing terrible remixes of bad remixes of songs that were once great. After a few minutes of this conversation, it became obvious that there could only be one CD burner for them ... a fireplace.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Another Chapter In Life

The time I spent last week with my youngest son was long overdue. Now that he's 16, we were able to have several heart-to-heart talks that weren't possible when he was younger. As I look at this gangly youth who now towers over me, I hope to have planted some seeds of success in his mind.

This is the time in his life of social awareness. So one of his biggest concerns was how hormones are ravaging his face. Fortunately, his mother has bought him a natural acne treatment. Surprisingly, she hasn't gone so natural as to include sandpaper, sterilized needles and an avoidance of zitti pasta.

And that would be his second biggest concern -- his mother. While I have maintained that he needed to respect her because she is his mother, he's finally realizing the type of person she is and why I had to divorce her a few years ago. Hopefully, he will make some better choices for his life because of our time together.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

It's Raining Lawyers

If law school is so difficult, why are there so many lawyers? If you open my phone book, you will find most of the yellow pages dedicated to members of the legal profession --- people who want to help you rescue your property from your enemies and keep it to themselves. This is all done through specialization. For example, not only are there accident lawyers but you can find car accident lawyers, truck accident lawyers, skateboard accident lawyers, and walking-while-chewing-gum accident lawyers.

Yes, there are more attorneys than there are jokes about them. In fact, if you were to stack lawyers end to end, not only could you reach the moon and back but there would be plenty of them left over to sue you for stacking lawyers to begin with. Isn't it amazing that, with all the problems that we have with this profession, it is the one industry that has escaped the regulations that prevail in all other businesses...

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Children, Luggage, and Airline Quality

According to the "Airline Quality Rating", the airline industrys' score is at an all-time low. The biggest complaint from passengers is about their luggage being lost or arriving days, months, years after the owners discover that they urgently need fresh underwear and a toothbrush (not necessarily to be used together).

Another rising concern involves airlines 'misplacing' children on flights. That is, some parents hand their beloved darlings over to an airline for safe delivery to their waiting grandparents. Somehow, despite the notes tacked to the clothes of these innocent travelers, a few flights have been ending with an airline having difficult locating their precious cargo. (Personally, I think it was a case of weary grandparents, a bribed flight attendant, and bratty grandchildren who end up touring the friendly skies for "just a few more days.")

If these trends continue, years from now, we will have a new civilization of lost luggage people -- vanished children who lived among the missing baggage. Armed only with unconfiscated nail clippers, they survived by living off of the contents of forgotten suitcases and airline peanuts. What will become of these misplaced adults? Ah, not to worry. They will be the airlines' new baggage handlers and TSA inspectors.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Is Your Bathroom Vain?

If conceit is God's gift to small minded people, then what are bathroom vanities? Are those small towels that no one can touch really so vain or are they just lonely? It's understandable as they hang there with the fancy embroidered picture that wouldn't absorb a drop of water if it was drowning. The same question goes for those cutesy, carved soaps. If we really need roses and turtles, shouldn't we get the real things?

No, I don't have pretentious items in my bathroom. Just give me towels that dry and soap that foams. If I'm in a playful mood, I'll have foamy towels and fuzzy soap. There's no place for vanity in my bathroom ... there's more than enough when I'm in it!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Lady Luck Cracked A Smile and My Windshield

After 180,000 miles of travel, my car had more tiny pits in its windshield than there are in a miniature cherry orchard. I tend to think of these marks as tiny love scars from all the miles I've driven to take care of my family and friends. My pitted windshield provides a relatively clear view, until I drive facing the sun. Then it becomes a very sparkly blast of glare and star patterns. Until last week, I had to endure this since my car insurance didn't cover its replacement. What a pane! And then, Lady Luck cracked a smile. While I was driving and wondering how much longer I would have to put up with this, a rock came out of no where and began a glass fracture that quickly meandered across the windshield. Ta-Da! My insurance covered that and with no deductible. Now I can see clearly! It's amazing how we don't realize how much we are compensating for inconveniences and aggravations in our lives until they are removed.