Things Change When You Get Older

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I'm 50. My body just isn't what it used to be. Today I realized that a tremendous sex drive means only that my girlfriend lives 130 miles away ...

What Do You Buy For a SuperStar?

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Sometimes I find myself thinking about questions that have ethical dilemmas. Just the other day, I found myself wondering about all of these professional athletes who are earning millions of dollars for being able to play with a ball or a stick. When it comes time for Christmas or their birthdays, what sort of presents do their friends and family buy them? Would it be an insult to spend the few measly dollars that you have on sports gifts for these overpaid entertainers? Would it be like buying a set of Wal-Mart's specially priced knives to give a world-class chef?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't pick on our highly paid athletes. But it's not like a multimillion dollar superstar is going to read this. They do know how to read, right?

Big Words From Such a Little Mind

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Have you ever been around people who tend to make things sound much more complicated than they really are? It's as if they have a compelling need to take a simple term and turn it into a poly syllabic phrase. I have one such friend who suffers from this affliction. Actually, he has the affliction, the rest of us suffer.

He works as an exterminator. Instead of saying that you step on a bug to kill it, he refers to the action as applying "spontaneous compression" so that the bug dies from "vertical planar syndrome". The other day, he had an assignment at the Campbell Soup factory down the road. You can imagine how all the dried grains and vegetables tend to attract an insect or two. Instead of telling me that he was putting Indian meal moth traps around the plant, he said he was installing "Native-American-dinner-butterfly hunting gear". I guess he thought this was funny because most of the workers at factory claim lineage to Lumbee tribe. I'm thinking that if he tells any of them what he is installing, he is soon to be informed of how "factually unencumbered" and "non-cerebrally gifted" he is. No doubt the more expressive members of the group are sure to help him become "metabolically inactive". All I can say is that he just bugs me...

What Housing Problem?

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You wouldn't know that there is a economic problem with housing in my area. With military bases being consolidated into Fort Bragg, construction around here has been busier than beavers working on their version of the Hoover dam. Not only are there more houses and condos (and a lot less trees and open fields) but I'm beginning to see a proliferation of extended stay hotels. You can't miss them with their truck-sized TV screen atop a 20 foot pole and blindingly blaring their latest rental special. "One bedroom apartment with kitchen and living room for $199 a week" I hope that includes a bathroom or at least a very large bucket. The price is better than a hotel stay but it still seems rather expensive. I just wish that those TV screens would show other channels.

Children Are Not Pawns in Divorce

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Last week's vacation went relatively well. My daughter and her fiancé and I had a great time together. The only disturbing part was when my ex violated our divorce decree and hid my 16 year old son in another state so that we couldn't speak with each other. When I returned my daughter and future son-in-law back to their home this past weekend, there was my ex --- all smiling and of good cheer like the person of ill repute that she is. My son was upset because of our missed time together. When he and I were finally alone with each other, he confided that he wants to move away from her more than ever. Sadly, he doesn't think he could handle his mother's drama while waiting for the courts allowed his move. At this point, he seriously considering waiting out the next 13 months until he was 18 and then able to escape to my home. I can only support him in whatever way he needs me to.

What my ex doesn't seem to get is that she has now completely lost the respect of her children. What little love for her that they have left is being further whittled away by her continued selfish actions. I hope she realizes this soon and it torments her for the rest of her life.

Why is it never easy when dealing with crazy people?

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It was simple. My son wanted to visit next week during his school's winter break. I was more than ready to have him here in the safety of my home. Earlier this week, my ex agreed. This morning, she called and said that her lawyer advised that my son not be allowed to leave the state. WTF? This has never been a problem before. The only difference now is that, at 16, he's wised up to his mother's craziness and wants to escape to me. My son has always known that he could live with me. But she has her ways ... deceptive, manipulative, craft, evil. She had me in her clutches for 25 years until I finally realized that there is a difference between being a gentleman and being a door mat. My son has matured to the point of knowing "how much of a mother she isn't" to him. His words. My ex treats my son as nothing more than a meal ticket of child support. He lives in a filthy trailer while she's gone for 3 weeks a month driving a truck --- she prefers this to earning a living with her engineering degree.

So a couple of weeks ago, he dropped the bomb that he wants to live with me in a clean home, with a loving parent who will be there daily for and with him. This has driven her crazier ever since.

The sad part is not that she doesn't want him in a better environment. She doesn't want to lose the yearly $14,000 that she receives but rarely spends on him. It's no wonder that she can afford a lawyer while I make do on 2/3 of my income left to cover my life and her divorce debts. Divorce can be so much fun!

Ahhhh, but this little drama couldn't have continued without the mind games from her evil lawyer. How else can you make money if you don't sow seeds of doom and gloom and paranoia? With the droning of a cult member, that's all my ex would say this morning, "My lawyer advised.... No, I can't talk about it. My lawyer advised."

Fine. The divorce decree states that my son can visit without restriction. My lawyer says that I can enlist the aid of the sheriff. I have told my ex when and where I will be to pick up my son. If he isn't there, I will file a report as more evidence of an unfit mother. And she wonders why our two adult children have no respect for her...

Watch What You Hear

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Everyone at work seems to becoming more and more pessimistic about our new owners. The other day, a fellow co-worker and I were having an informal chat about a test cabinet design. Another co-worker walked by and heard us saying something about industrial knobs. He automatically assumed that it was a derogatory slam on upper management and was more than ready to give us his supporting thoughts.

I guess this is how we are all handling the stress of cutbacks and firings. We have no way of knowing who's next in this business game of employee Russian roulette. And our bosses aren't saying much. So lately we are finding it easier to exchange tales of bitterness with each other at the first chance. It may relieve a little anger but I can't see how these continued verbal outbursts are going to help the company in the long run ...

That Parking Ticket Might Not Be What You Think It Is

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Drivers in Grand Forks, North Dakota, have recently been finding official-looking tickets on their windshields. These fake tickets instruct the driver to view pictures of the violation at a specific web site. Unfortunately, hackers who run this despicable site cause a virus to install itself on to the victim's computer.

It's getting harder to know who to trust any more. If you can't count on your ever vigilant meter maid to harass you honestly, who can you trust any more?

Create Your Own Discount

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My bathroom is a need of some work. But as I shopped at Lowe's and Home Depot, I couldn't find anything cheap enough for my budget. So I've devised a plan to create some discount bath fixtures at these shopping warehouses. Tell me what you think.

How about sitting on one of the display toilets with your pants about your ankles until one of the sales associates walks by. Surely you and I could get a price break if we ask for some toilet paper and a discount on the slightly used toilet. Or, we could borrow pail from the hardware section and fill it full of water from the garden section. Then with a scrub brush purloined from the bath section, we can proceed to bathe in one of those luxurious tubs until the manager kicks us out the store. And what are they going to do with the bathtub is personalized with our dirt? I smell price cut ... among other things.

Anyone else have other ideas?

Watch This!

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Pssst! Hey buddy! Can I ... tock ... to you for a few minutes? You look like the kind of guy who might be interested in a couple of Nooka watches.

Now hold on! I'm not trying to ... tick ... you off! But if you're like me, there's never enough time. Yeah, I know --- unless you're serving it.

Ok, OK. I know time is relative. I know that the length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. No, I'm not trying to get philosophical here. I just want to make a sale.

Of course, you have to admit that time is a great teacher. Sadly, it kills all of its pupils but that's life.

What's that? Sure, time is a great healer. But have you noticed that it's a lousy beautician?

Anyway, what do you say? How about a new watch? How about one with the old-style analog hands? I understand that the days of the digital watch are numbered... Oh Yeah? Same to you, Bub!

The Power of Memories

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I have been having several nostalgic dreams lately of when my children were young. We used to visit the Outer Banks of North Carolina every fall -- the rates were low, the crowds were sparse, and the turtles were hatching. One of the Society for the protection of turtles would set up an event for young children to lead hatching turtles back to the ocean. My children loved participating in that event every year.

As for me, besides sharing in my children's fun of helping defenseless creatures, I would enjoy running along the edge of the tide at sunset. There's nothing quite like the salty fragrance in your nose, the warm water lapping at your toes as you raced by, the sparkle of the setting sun dancing on your frolicking children, the adrenaline rush of a good life pushing you to run faster and faster until it was as if you were gliding across the top of the ocean. Eventually I would be breathing so hard that I had to stop. But I stopped with an enormous smile on my face and an even larger sense that all was right with the world and my family.

A lot has changed since then. The other night, that memory of my beach runs came back as a dream. Only this time, my gasps for air awoken me. For the next few minutes, it was as if I could not breathe deep enough. It's as though my ex has done everything in her power to make sure that my children and I can't get enough of each other anymore. But my children are about to give her an unexpected turn in that battle...

How Can A Worker Protect Themselves From A Bad Employee?

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There seems to be insurance for almost any disaster imaginable. But I wonder if there is a policy that employees can take out on their companies, a policy that would pay out in cases of mismanagement, greed or acts of incompetency by their employers. No doubt such a service would be expensive. But when the insurance agency evaluates the company for this form of business insurance, the employee will get an idea of how stable their employers really are. It would be a great rating system that is visible to all, unlike those mysterious financial statements that troubled employers tend to keep hidden from their workers.

Thoughts On Clerkless Checkout Lines

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Is there any good reason to use the self checkout lines at the stores? You would think that the store would give you a discount when they don't have to pay an employee to check out your shopping items. But, no!

So the only advantage I can find in using a clerk-less register is when you buy items that you rather nobody else know about. For us older guys, that's usually hair dye, Beano, diet pills, alcohol and the latest copy of Maxim magazine. Is there anything worse than that condescending look from some judgmental cashier as she scans your precious purchases? Yes, there is!

If the register has problems identifying an item, you're back to those embarrassing pages for price checks ... which is what happened to me when I went to pick up feminine hygiene products for my girlfriend. As a clerk gave me a smirk while reaching for her malicious microphone, I said, "I'm sorry. I picked up the wrong thing. I thought I had got 'Break Pads for Men'." She stopped in mid-grab and her smirk changed to a quizzical expression. So I added, "You know that product for men that has the motto 'When skid marks aren't just for the road.'" Sometimes stunned bafflement is all you need to quickly pay for your purchases and leave. Unfortunately my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I arrived home with an unpadded grocery bill.

REcover verses reCOVER

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I can follow directions. If they're clear, I can usually reach the goal of those informative steps.

Yesterday, I slipped one of those "Freezer Queen" family entrees into the microwave and set the timer for the prescribed minutes. After the microwave dinged, I salivated (my appliance has me well trained) and read the next instruction, "peel back film, stir and recover."

For a few seconds, I had a senior moment. Recover? Recover from what? Then I had a slap-of-the-forehead moment. Oh! "Put the film back over the meal" recover. Duh!

So I began tugging on the film that was attached to the container with what must have been surgical glue. Finally, with a pull that would have made King Arthur proud, the film snapped away from its death grip on the container, flinging hot, boiling gravy (there's hot, then boiling, then hot boiling, just under a tad less than nuclear) on my hand, arm, and face. After shouting something that translates to "Golly Gee, that was hot!", I quickly dashed to the sink for a bath in freezing water ... and recovered.

I was right the first time.

Battle of the Hot Water

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My water heater works very well for the care and maintenance of a single guy. But my family is about to increase four fold in a few months. While I'll boil some water for their cups of coffee, I'm not interested in boiling pots of water for everyone's bath.

So off to the local hardware store I went. There, I was greeted by an overly eager sales rep who also a solder from Fort Bragg's tank command. Today he was working part time to make end's meet for his family.

Let me tell you this was not your average sales guy --- everything was in terms of his military job. "Now, sir, you need something that will attack your cold water as quickly and as forcefully as possible. Just like a unstoppable tank, it has to soundly defeat its objective. Now, here's a water heater that reminds me of a Panther tank -- sleek, German engineering, persistent until the job is done. Of course, I prefer American-made myself. This one here is like the Sherman tank of the industry -- attacks on the coldness of water until it is absolutely boiling with fury! It's truly deadly" Deadly? I'm hoping that he was referring to germs and not my delicate skin.

And so his spiel went on for 30 minutes as he tried to storm the heights of my resolve not to buy anything just yet. I understand the need for a sale. But I'm a simple man. I just wanted learn about what is available to warm the gentle water quietly flowing through the pipes in my humble home ... not kill it. A tankless water heater will do just fine.

Another Marketing Idea Goes To The Dogs

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You're probably aware of the fashionable practice that removes part of a Doberman Pinscher's tail when it's a puppy. I guess this is to give the dog its vicious, tough-guy look when it reaches full maturity. If there's nothing to wag, you can't tell if the dog is happy to see you as a friend or as a snack.

My friend views this practice as animal mutilation and has decided to do something about it. He wants to open a chain of businesses from coast to coast that specialize in reattaching tails on Doberman Pinschers. My dog-loving friend plans to do this operation at cost and believes his wholesale retail franchises will be very successful. We'll see. I've taken a few business courses on retailing. I don't think this is what they meant, doggone it.

My Birthday?

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Why this isn't a big deal!

Step 102: How Not To Run A Business

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A nuclear explosion takes place when the most insignificant of particles creates an escalating chain reaction that quickly becomes an OMG BOOM! Of course, by the time you think of the acronym OMG, the boom has already reduced you to more insignificant particles.

So this past Monday, yet another employee (insignificant in the eyes of the powers-that-be) turned in her notice and unintentionally started what may become a nuclear explosion within our company. I'll give you time to read my post about her actions. Okay, done? Well then, let me post about the today's next action in this chain of disastrous business decisions as our Director of human resources showed herself to be Catbert's role model.

She strolled about the plant handing out her restrictive policy (highly approved by the CFO and Pres) on employee vacation time. What she didn't expect were the angry questions and comments as she went from production cell to production cell. She might as well have been poking a large bear with a stick. She reacted to one employee who has been there 37 years by asking sarcastically, "Do you really believe that you deserve 20 days off a year?" After years of simmering employee frustration over greedy business policies, you can imagine how this attitude by our wonderful HR and the impromptu rule change has pushed the workers to a boiling point. Shortly after she finished her walk through the plant, we received notice that there would be an employee meeting about the new vacation protocol and "other important matters".

Our guess at this moment is that "other important matters" means stopping 401(k) matching or, to appease the natives who are now considering a sitdown strike, pay raises that are six years overdue. We'll find out tomorrow if this chain reaction destroys what could have been a great company.

Jan. 8th: Update

Children As A Mirror

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I have often heard that children tend to be small versions of their parents. I think I proved that axiom when I was in the mall the other day.

In between two toy kiosks, I watched a spoiled little girl dressed in the latest catimini fashion throw a tremendous tantrum about not being able to buy a toy. Just a few feet away stood her mother dressed in a similar outfit and yelling at the child about not being able to go shopping at the jewelry store because of her child's tantrum. I'm not sure which was more embarrassing -- the whining child, her screaming mother, or me yelling at them to shut up.

To A Healthy New Year

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What better way to start a new year than with healthy activities and tasty treats? I mean look at those melons, tantalizing, tempting, whispering to your inner being about the passion of life. You can almost feel the sweet caress against your moist lips. And that's what life is about -- being vibrant and sensuous.

Those fruits in the picture from the Persimmon trees look pretty good too, don't they!