Last week, the National Counter-Terrorism Center released its stunning 2011 Report on Terrorism. Guess what? The NCTC says you, as an American, are more likely to be killed by your furniture than by acts of terrorism.
What?! Have the terrible terrorists won by converting our innocent furniture? Have these meanies of the middle east broken our faithful wooden desks and chairs into tiny splinter groups?
Wait a minute. How do you know if your furniture has been converted?
I'm glad you asked. As an owner of fine furniture (until it gets repossessed next week - I didn't pay my exorcist bill), let me offer a few helpful hints.
You have justifiable suspicions if you noticed any of the following:
- Your Feng Shui has developed Feng bin Shui'n tendencies.
- Lebanese ceder furnishings have recently set up residence with your American pines.
- A sober you discovered your liquor cabinet stoned ... by rocks.
- After arranging your couch and davenport, you find them reorientated toward Mecca. NOTE: This must happen at least 5 times during the day. Anything less and you can blame your cat with have a little fun with your fears. Of course, you can stop your cat's shenanigans by casually mentioning how Persia rugs are made from skins of prankster felines.
Even if you notice a few oddities in your home (aside from the usual teenagers and spouse antics), you shouldn't worry. Our government is on top of it - napping in a recliner. No, just kidding. Our officials are busy revamping the terror alert color codes. You may remember the green "leave the house unlocked and the keys in the car while sleeping" color of safety, followed by increased anxiety-inducing colors of blue, yellow, orange, and finally "put your head between your legs and kiss yourself goodbye" red. We will soon have new stages of terror alert: starting with boringly safe polyester, then vinyl, silk, leather, and finally slip cover ("be as scared as you want, we'll clean it all off later").
Also, the fine folks at Home Land security ask that we take our furniture to the airports. There, competent agents of the TSA will put their well-rehearsed security talents to work by strip-searching sofas, undressing dressers, probing the cavities of grandfather clocks, and slowing all moveables to a dead stop.
Speaking of bureaus, our illustrious department of the FBI have already infiltrated several IKEA and furniture stores around the country. So you can sleep even safer tonight. If nothing else, the FBI will do its best to keep the Secret Service away from the love seats.
In short, rest assured that your government is doing all that it can. In addition to our current gaggle of counter-terrorism units, we'll soon be surrounding by forces trained in counter-top-terrorism. While you marble at their tactics, you can bet you won't take these superior forces for granite. (I apologize for the puns, but they are for your safety. If you heard groaning other than your own, take action immediately.)
Of course, the government can't everything (even if they spend like they can.) So protect yourself. Make a list of everything in your precious home. On your list, add a "Bin here, done that" column to mark off as you check IDs, and nail down everything that shouldn't move. We'll show those terrorists who's boss ... one stick of furniture at a time!
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