Here in my all-American city, land of private property and individual responsibility, our city leaders have decided to aggressively pursue the alarming increase of trespassers on the lands of their taxpayers. Henceforth, all landowners with a swimming pool is required to surround their enticing body of water with enormous pool fences.
I can understand the thinking of our elected officials. It's not about protecting unsupervised wanderings of our youthful population into places they should have better sense not to wonder into. No, our brilliant bureaucrats are looking out for us. They know any body of water acts as an undeniable magnet upon the will of human beings everywhere – unless, of course, it's a three-year-old anticipating bath time. Our city leaders have in fact protected us from the greatest threat to our happiness: our mooching relatives and their families.
So, not only did I act in the spirit of the law, I also surround my personal wall of China with a large moat filled with cool, clear water and floaty toys. Once I realized the second watery magnet that I inadvertently created, I then surrounded it with another fence, a machine-gun nest, and patrolling guards complete with German shepherds and whistles.
If you've never seen a dog blow on a whistle, then you’ll be in for a treat when you trespass on my property. Unless, of course, you pay the $10 admission fee at the gate. Then, for the small price of an additional $5, my guard dogs will perform Lil Wayne's "Run This Town" for your whistling pleasure. I've got to pay for these defenses some how.
See you soon!
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