Why I Don't Have A Pet Dog

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At lunch, my friends were going on about their various dogs. You could see the love in their eyes as they talked about their intelligent pets --- animals who have no problem rushing to the door when the doorbell rings even though it's never for them. And then somebody asked the inevitable question, "So Ron, how come you don't have a dog?" Gee, I don't know. Some days, it's 16 hours before I return home. When I do pass through the comforting doorway of my homely sanctuary, the only thing on my mind is dinner and sleep. Unless I have a dog that is ready to be served up in a bun with mustard, I don't think I could give any pet the love and attention that it deserves.

Of course, I could go through my children's old toys and find one of their plastic dogs. In the morning, I would set him by the door ready to greet me when I returned home after a long day. Such a dog would be great at tricks. I could say, "roll over" as I toss him along on the floor. He would be perfect at playing dead. And for lively game of fetch, I would only have to toss him along with a stick.

Image what a great watchdog he would make! A quick grab to pick him up, yell "attack" and then a forceful fling of my plastic protector at the unwanted intruder. When I'm not at home, I can string him up by the door so that when somebody breaks in, he will swing down from above and smack them in the face. (The only difference between being an attack dog and playing fetch is whether someone ends up with a bump on the head or not.)

Yes, I know all pets need exercise. So by putting him on a leash, I can take him for an evening drag. To make sure that my special friend feels like he belongs with all the other dogs, I could stop ever so often and scoop up fake doggie doo (only $1.50 at your local gag store). Sadly, he wouldn't be able to stop and sniff trees to check the latest pee-mail. Oh well.

Nah, I'm not worried about having a pet right now. If I wanted the trials and tribulations of caring for needy, smelly living creature, I would have stayed married ...