...Me!! I can't believe that I made it to today. When 2005 started, I had such a feeling of impending doom ... that I won't live to see the beginning of 2006, with an even less chance of seeing the anniversary of my 47th year on Earth. I don't know why. Maybe my divorce and fight with the irs were taking such a mental toll ... I know that at times life seemed very bleak.
Still, today was a good one! Friends had a birthday lunch, women hugged me, men shook my hand and slapped me on the back. While I hate being the center of attention, I enjoyed people enjoying themselves with me.
I've read how the great minds of the past would make their homes a center of discuss and meals and music --- of enjoyment and fulfillment, intellectual, emotional, physical. Of course, they had the riches to do so. I would what it would like to be part of such a group? And what would it be like to give such an affair, repeatedly?
Anyway, Happy Birthday to me. Out of my family, at first my oldest son called and left a message of birthday wishes. I should return his call before going to bed. My daughter called shortly after. Hearing from them helped deflect the sting that I didn't matter to them. I felt when my ex forgot three years running and then seemed to remember when she wanted something. That hurt. Yet, as I write this a week later, my youngest never acknowledged my birthday. It is not the matter of my birth. It is the simply idea that he would care enough to say "Happy Birthday". I just don't know where I stand with my youngest since his only contact is with my ex and her 'wonderful' family. I wonder if calling to chat every few days matters to him. I used to travel every weekend to be with them and take care of them. On a few weekends, my youngest would get on his knees, press his hands together and plead for me not to leave. But I had to go back to work. And if my ex had a lick of sense in her head, she would have returned back to our home. But no, she was living her 'good life' where she was. This, of course, lead to our divorce. My life seems to have so many regrets....
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