Thursday, January 21, 2010

Feel The Burn

I have worked hard at having links without doing actual fat burner reviews. This free-form post is no exception. I write because I've been wondering what would happen if I took several fat burner pills and then exercised like crazy. Would my fat spontaneously combust? Not that anyone would be surprised since I seem to have no problem with making an ash of myself. And, in this case, I will have urned my place in the minds of many. "Remember how Ron became consumed with exercise?" "Yeah, he was on fire!"

A Spicy Post

Hi, I'm Ron and I'm an addict. Specifically, a thyme addict. I love that spice to the point of eating nothing else. And while it was one of the best unintentional weight loss products I had ever used, it became like all bad habits -- very expensive as it consumed my life. Soon I found myself going for neighbor to neighbor, getting them to lend me as much of that evil spice as possible. Shortly after that, I reached rock bottom and had to clean up my act as neighbors shunned me and my health deteriorated. But what can you expect when you live on borrowed thyme ...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The woman who lives in the shoe has sole!

So I was talking with the old lady who lives in the shoe, you know, the one that has so many children, she doesn't know what to do. No, not the octo-mom. The shoe lady wasn't able to capitalize on her kids and so her expenses are rather high. I tried to think of some helpful budgeting tips but failed. She said she thought about selling a few of her children but figured that she wouldn't get much for them. "How do you know?" I asked. She answered, "Haven't you ever heard of the phrase, 'A penny for your tots?'" That makes cents ...

Swing And A Miss

Last week, Mark McGwire owned up to using steroids during his fantastic home run streak. Of course, is there anyone who was surprised by this revelation? Even Captain Obvious didn't have to say, "Told you so!" Remember when he showed up one day and his arms were the size of two muscular children? I'm sure that no one thought that Mark has simply slipped and fallen into the best testosterone creams available or that he had been bitten by a radioactive Barry Bonds.

So now Mr. McGwire will be coaching the Cardinals' players on hitting the ball. I wonder what his advice will be? "Work hard!" "Practice a lot!" "Nah, just kidding. Here, sit on this needle..."

Meaning of A Post

Some of the comments that I have been getting lately have been, well, bizarre. They seem almost related to the post but not quite. It would be like me try to writing something funny that involves the phrase "" without it being a review. There's nothing funny about that phrase or at least that I've been able to come up with.

So if you read my blog, please understand that I'm just playing with words here. Sometimes, the meaning isn't quite obvious or the direction of the post isn't what you expect. But hopefully you'll get the humor ... if I didn't bury it to deep.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What Comes Around

Just before I entered my pubescent years, women began burning their bras in protest for their personal freedom. Then, as I entered those hormone-raging teen years, they stopped demonstrating their need for unrestrained freedom. Just my luck!

My teenage years have long since passed. As I entered into the beginning of my second half century of life, my wild-oat yearnings of youth have been tempered with a few decades of insatiable bills, a bad spouse and never-ending work. That doesn't mean that the spark has been put out. Especially since I've learn that those women of the bra-burning era have returned to freeing themselves from their bras. But this act is only as a cheap alternative to plastic surgery and the best wrinkle lotion money can buy. Apparently, gravity helps an unrestricted chest smooth out those lines of maturity in the female face.

Maybe I should invent a bra for older women that operates like a venetian blind. I'm just not sure I want to see the testing as it takes place ...

In the Name of Public Safety

The best way to get someone to do something is with the application of FUD - fear, uncertainty and death. Unsavory advertisers sell more products that way. Unscrupulous politicians get elected that way. Face it (or get slapped), the avoidance of pain is one of the main motivating factors in human nature. You can either hide or you can something to promote safe living. You promoters know who you are. You work in law enforcement, emergency services, and disaster response. You live to make society as close to a utopia as possible without being able to criminalize the act of running with scissors.

Still, you reach a point where you can only do so much. You begin to fear that you'll be stuck in a rut unable to make substantive policy changes like your boss. You find yourself becoming uncertainty of your future (aside from definitely knowing that your life will end). Well, in that case, it is my opinion that you need an accredited, affordable masters in public safety administration. With it, you too can earn all position and prestige that you can safely handle. You will have the influence and the power to bring about much needed nannying to your fellow citizenry. Imagine being the influential cause for outlawing perilous practices such as running with scissors and those alarming acts of picking one's nose with unclean fingers (or scissors), as well as other vital bureaucratic policies! People will hold parades in your honor (if you don't get parades banned first in the name of the public interest). You can't have this kind of power with just a Bachelors degree. So think what you can do by earning your Master's in Administrator of Public Safety. I have. Just a little FUD for thought ...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Sleepless in New York - can't afford the bed!

One of our sale guys just came back from New York and was given the spanish inquisition about his expenses. I don't know what planet our accountant VP lives on but apparently he knows nothing about good ol' NY city's government and their insatiable need to pile taxes upon taxes upon regular bills. More than likely, finding cheap new york hotels means looking for cardboard boxes in an dark alley or sleeping in one of the rent-a-cars. But I'm not going to say anything. It will probably become our company policy soon enough ...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Fish in a barrel

As part of last month's cost savings, the company has forced one of our top machinists to work only four days a week. Naturally, this caused his already over-burden work load to increase and project deadlines to slip further behind. Do you think our VP ended the furlong for one of his key employees? No, that would make too much sense. Instead, our illustrious VP has this vital employee working 2 hours of overtime a day during his allowed 4 days a week. That'll save some money, won't it!

Cutting into employees and their benefits seems to be this company's quick and easy fix for everything. It's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. Yet, the powers-that-be don't seem to realize that their expendable fish are in stainless steel drums. Think these businessmen will know that when their company suffers from the ricocheted bullets of ill-fated cost savings?

Monday, January 04, 2010

the company slid continues

Today, our CFO hastily called a meeting to announce that he was quitting at the end of the week. He called us together to tell us because he want to make sure we understood that it had nothing to do with our company and we should not panic. It was simply a great opportunity with a bigger business. No doubt, his new company will fix his recent pay cut and then some. And we are sure that the numbers that he has been seeing in his crystal of ball of business has no bearing on his quick decision to move on.

Why is it that you can get insurance quotes to protect your car, your home, your life but not for your job? Are we worried? Could be. All I can say is that if there are any headhunters who need bodies to peddle, give me a call...

the hopeful and the hopeless

Given the news and the economy, I understand the pessimists now outnumber optimists. But you probably were expecting that. Oh sure, there were plenty of people who stayed up to bring in the New Year. But there were more who stayed up to make sure the old year left! The optimist steps confidently onto the road. The pessimist makes sure that he has emergency assistance available as he looks both ways before crossing a one way street.

But I'm not that bad. You might be one of those who looks to the sky, worrying about the rain. I'm already completely soaked...