Monday, November 16, 2009

What's the Difference between a Cougar and a Leopard

It is a great time to be a young man in your twenties. Down in panama city florida, the ratio of rich women in their forties and fifties far out pace the number of desirable, boyish bachelors.

But this is Florida. Lots of old people about. For those of us men in our 40s and 50s, we get to watch and laugh as these cougars go after their prey. Funnier still is watching those young men realize that there is a difference between a cougar and a leopard --- liver spots. And no amount of money is going to hide those ...

It was one of those days...

As a boss, he was overwhelming as he sat behind a huge oak desk that had once been a proud forest. Now, this shiny assemblage of lumber put an extremely aggressive man of business at an intimidating distance from anyone who had the unfortunate task of sitting in front of him. He was the kind of terrifying person that not only tapped his desk out of impatience but had also tapped his desk with a few large, extravagant Grohe faucets. No one knows what pricey liquid would pour such unusual desk pieces. The fear was more about one of the faucet being used as a weapon should you not have the answers that this frightening man would demand.

But I wasn't worried. I knew about his darkest secret. I knew about his overpowering weakness .... small, cute, fuzzy bunnies! At our meeting, I left nothing to chance. I wore the pink, plushy bunny bathroom slippers with my fuzzy, business black rabbit suit complete with a hare-raising wig. He looked sternly at me and asked, "So you think you can work for me?!" I answered defiantly, "I'm game." So he shot me...

Sunday, November 08, 2009

the Fourth Energy Source

There are four states of matter: liquid, solid, gas and plasma. In our ever vigilant quest to control nature, our species has done a great job making the first three into cheap, readily available energy sources. Plasma has been a little trickier to have at the home level. You need the nuclear heat of a sun and some way of containing the plasma so you and your neighbors don't become a crispy critters. But soon, some genius will invent safe plasma mounts for home use. And you'll be able to tell who has this energy source in their home. "Remember the Johnson's? Well, they really glow now."

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

pink belly

Not all of my friends can be considered potential PHD graduates of Ivy League schools. One friend proved this while trying to solve a pool diving problem. He enjoys jumping from the top of a slide that towers over his swimming pool. The problem is that the crowd-pleasing belly flops from 10 feet up cause him a very painful pink belly condition. He blames the water for being too hard to give way as he crash on to its moist surface. His solution? He poured a few gallons of water softener into his pool. I don't think it worked because on his next dive, he bounced a couple of times on top of water before finally sinking in a pool of pain and curses...

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Funny Word

We have some funny words in our language. Well, it's more how they are used that makes them laughable. For example, as I watch TV last night, the latest election results kept interrupting otherwise good shows. Then one of the talking heads made the comment that voters had enfranchised a certain city with the right to take more of everyone's money for the construction of a statue of some hometown hero who died a couple of centuries ago.

I looked up en⋅fran⋅chise. One definition is "to endow a city, constituency, etc. with municipal or parliamentary rights." Ok, so far, so good. Part two of the definition is "to set free; liberate, as from slavery."

The last time I checked, slavery meant working hard only to surrender the fruits of your labor to someone else. So, a majority of the voters managed to enfranchise their government while disenfranchising the rest of their fellow citizens. Sadly, this happened in America. And to think we're worried about the Taliban taking our freedoms away...