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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Those were the days ... ackward and embarrassing

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Walking is nothing more than the human art of controlled falling while keeping one foot on the ground. Running is nothing more repeated controlled falls while starting with both of your feet in the air. Throw a ball into this acrobatic mix with the intentions of being graceful and you have a soccer match.

I say "intentions of being graceful" because I was a member of the most awkward gang in high school – our soccer team. Our gang sign was a pair of crossed crutches and a signed cast. Great gang symbol until our coach decided to invest in some preventive maintenance.

After one particular grueling game that looked more like the reenactment of the Civil War battle that a soccer match, our thoughtful coach gave us supportive footwear to add our protective uniform. Thus, ankle brace soccer was born.

From then on, not only did our doctor bills drop but we also began to win matches. It wasn't due to any sudden technical prowess in our gaming skills. Our talented opponents could still run circles around us (as well as straight lines). However, our soccer foes didn't count on dangerous encounter with a pair of armored ankles at the end of unpredictable legs. Our feet suddenly became unintentional weapons of mass distraction and destruction. We “beat” our opponents … repeatedly during the match … with unexpected gyrations of our semi-controllable limbs.

By the end of the season, several of the opposing teams either had armed themselves or ran out of healthy players. Either way, everybody, including the high school bullies, feared for their safety and stayed out of our way. This is great until prom came along.

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