Kitchen Sinks

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He was a greedy man with a very small house. But having limited living quarters didn't stop him from trying to accumulate as much as he could. Eventually his tiny bedroom, his bitty bathroom, his little living room were completely filled from floor to ceiling. No problem. He planned to eat and sleep in his undersized kitchen. That worked until that fateful day when he opened the kitchen door to find that there was only enough room for his hat. But like that fateful straw that broke the camel's back, his hat caused the entire kitchen to collapse into a sink hole that opened up from the weight of his worldly goods. So now he has everything ... including the kitchen sinks.

Vanilla Cow Patties

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Once a year, Harvard University gives out awards, known as the Ig Nobel Awards, for obscure and often bizarre research and inventions. One winner turned out to be the recent discovery that Viagra helps hamsters overcome jet lag. Also winning top honors is a Japanese researcher who found a way to extract vanilla favoring from cow dung. I can't wait to see how the market research will go for this product. Will it have to be a blindfold test or can they do a straight survey? "So, Mrs. Johnson, what do you think about this new vanilla extract?" "I'm not sure. I think it tastes like sh.."....ould anyone doubt that there is a market for cow patty vanilla flavoring, think about that last time you drove past a recently fertilized field. Now, wouldn't you prefer the aroma of vanilla? You know this would be much better than having Baskin Robins add "Heifer Hunk Surprise" to their list of flavors.

Two More Days...

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...and my two oldest children will be visiting with me for a week. I am excited about them being here and about the possibility that they might move here permanently in a few months. Still, because I haven't been able to fully recover from the divorce, I am embarrassed about the state of this house. Hopefully they will be comfortable despite the fact that I have very little home furniture. My daughter's response to my concern was "Don't worry. We're coming to be with you, not the house." That sentiment helps. As long as they have a good time while they are here, that's all that matter, yes?

Women At My Work are Sitting On a Gold Mine

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The New York Knicks management didn't score on this one. I just read that a former executive won her sexual harassment lawsuit against the Knicks. Hopefully, the women at my place of work will take notice. Why? Because it is simply amazing what a couple of our upper managers get away with around here!

A few months ago, one overpaid sleeze bag was overheard asking one of the women on the production line, "Will you wear a crotchless panty if I bring it in?" She reacted as these women have been over these past several years -- by faking a laugh and quickly changing the subject. A few weeks ago, she suggested to the manager that she was getting tired of the harassment. Shortly after that, she was fired for being three minutes late to work.

I've told a few of the women that they are sitting on a gold mine. With a good lawyer, they could retire from this place and put a few of the good ol' boys out of business. But they say that they don't want to start any trouble.

My fired friend says that she can prove that she was wrongfully fired as well as sexually harassed. But her preacher husband has told to her forgive and forget and move to something better. Maybe this recently victory against the management of the Knicks will have my friends rethinking their passive roles.

Two Minutes of Free Advertising On TV

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I understand how exciting places like Las Vegas and Miami get TV shows written about them -- all the drama, the mystery and fantasies that go on in the humdrum minds of viewers can make for a captive viewing audience. No doubt, the tourist bureau of such places doesn't have to worry about television advertising. So how does a place like Branson Missouri make it onto the boob tube? Somehow, somewhere, someone knew just the right people because I just watched a two minute scene featuring Branson on ... well, I better not say the name of the show. But it's one of the top adult-type cartoons that have been on the air for all of this century. Since I have done a couple of paid posts on Branson, it was surprising to see their local attractions featured as part of a storyline. I wonder if Branson paid for this or if someone in their tourist bureau just happened to have some compromising pictures. With Missouri being the "Show Me" state, I'll go with the compromising photos. After all, what happens in Branson, stays ... readily available for show.

My Meal On Wheels

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If you visited my other blog at "Whats All This Then" then you've probably read how I turned my sports car into a camper. Since then, I have been thinking about how to expand its capabilities. During that last trip, my car was just a comfortable bed on wheels. The next step would be to add an outdoor kitchen to it. Maybe I could hook up one of those coolers to my cigerette lighter and chill a bottle of wine as I tour the roadways for several hours, letting dinner slowly cook on the engine block. This assumes that the cooler doesn't overload my car's puny electrical system. And yes, I know grease is bad for the health. Hopefully, oily food isn't as bad.

Doctors and Apples

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If blood is so life-giving, why is it giving me so much trouble lately? For now let's just say that I'm learning how well technology has made medical devices extremely accurate and affordable for the average citizen. For example, with a pulse oximeter, you can indirectly measure the amount of oxygen and changes in blood volume in your skin. Before this little medical miracle of a device, the doctor had to shove a large needle into your arm to extract enough blood that would make even Dracula queasy. After that, there was that anxiety-building wait for the lab results. Today, you can get the same results within minutes. Not only that but you can get them as often as you like. Just imagine the fun you can have by annoying your friends with your latest findings until they secretly wish that you would die. Ain't technology grand! Well, hopefully it will help me now. If I had taken care of this issue a few years ago, things would probably be better. It wasn't the Apple-a-Day that kept the doctor away. It was the cost of my medical insurance. Thanks goodness the medical devices are cheaper now.

Hunting Blinds

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Duck hunters use duck blinds to sneak up on their unsuspecting prey. (Although I find it much easier to go down to the duck pond with a loaf of bread and a hammer. Not only is it cheaper, but the ducks walk right up to me.) Dear hunters also use camouflage blinds during their season. (My hunting friends say that it makes it almost impossible for their wives to find them, especially if they set it up in the living room during football season.) But I was a little confused to learn that, not only do people hunt *IN* the woods, some even hunt *the woods* themselves. I learned this when I saw a recent sale on wood blinds. As fast as a tree moves, I didn't think that you had to sneak up on one to begin with! And what do you do when you catch one? How many people do you know that serve up a juicy cut of truck? How many proudly display a rack of branches over their mantel? Unless ... ah, that's right! There is a season for hunting trees - pine trees - and that happens right before Christmas. Ok, then. Mystery solved.

Does the World Really Need More Copies of Me?

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My girlfriend lives three hours to my east. My children live five hours to my west. I wish that there were a couple of copies of me to dispatch to everyone I love. Right now, one of me would be helping my children get into a better house. My other version would be investigating Wilmington NC real estate for a love nest on the coast. But it's probably for the best that there is only one of me. The last thing the world needs right now is mo'Rons running around...

Drinking To Your Health

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Some people go to bars and nurse their beers. You can't miss them. They're the ones with soggy nipples. If you think this is unusual behavior, what about the new medical diagnostic procedure that a few doctors are starting to use? Let's see, how can I put this delicately? Just as a mechanic examines the exhaust emissions to troubleshoot your car problems, a few doctors want the "emissions" that their patients create in the restrooms of their local drinking establishments. These bar stools are said to reveal much more about the patient's health than samples from their home environment. Personally, I think these doctors are just looking for an excuse to make a house call at a place where they know they can get a drink and charge someone in the process.

ARRR, What Be Ye Party Theme?

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For the past four years, a good friend of mine has had me conspire with her to create some very interesting murder mystery parties -- the type where everyone dresses in a costume and one of the guests plays a murder victim while everyone else has to figure out who did it and why. This year, we thought we would try something a little different. At first we considered a gay 90s type theme. But we couldn't be sure our guests would show up dressed in 1890s garb. Considering the crew of hilarious nuts that we hang around with, some might think 1990's and show up as flamboyantly gay or as someone in the 90s or as both.

We finally decided to do a pirate theme and base it on the clues game. There will be two teams of pirates competing to find clues of who did what to whom using which implement of destruction. Yesterday, my friend handed out her very innovative style of party invitations -- small plastic bottles that contained coins and an invitation written on an aged scroll. With less than a week away from the day of the party, I now need to do my part to help her come up with the clues. If all goes well, perhaps I'll post a few pictures ... assuming that I am not made to walk the plank because of what I did.

New York Lawyers

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If going to law school is so difficult and expensive, why are there so many lawyers? I've heard that there are more New York personal injury lawyers per person than there are rats per person in New York. Not that I'm trying to give rats a bad name. After all, I know that rats aren't the reason that the wheels of justice turn slow.

Still, there are reports that an incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months. Whereas a competent lawyer can delay a trial for even longer.

Too bad they couldn't delay their bills as easily.

Skin Care or Skin That Cares

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If you take real good care of your body, how does your skin show its appreciation? Does it care enough to get you a thank you card? Would such a card or present be considered a "skin care" product?

Seriously, it is important to take good care of yourself, especially as you get older. Go ahead and spend a little money on some skin care products. Make sure you wash and scrub your body thoroughly. And, if you're wrinkly enough, a good ironing never hurts now and then as well.

Antique ... Lovers?

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Sometimes I think I must be mentally warped. Yesterday I walked into the middle of a conversation as someone mentioned "antique lovers." Two thoughts immediately came into my mind. One was an image of very aged, Century furniture, weathered and well seasoned from use and time. The other thought was, "What a great title for a porn flick about elder people!" Naturally, the movie would be a very slow moving work. Hmmm, if we throw in some old, creaky furniture and we might have something .... maybe more horror than erotic...

Living Large For A Moment

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My friend has finally lived the dream of his life. He rolled in to the city of sin and checked into Imperial Palace Las Vegas like a big-time spender. This is something he has wanted to do for a very long time. He hit it big too. He arrived there in his $8,000 car and came back home by way of a $50,000 bus. For some reason, he's lost his fondness of greyhounds now...

Free Form verses Review type posts

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There seems to be some confusion about what a free-form post is and what a review type post is. For example, if I were to do a free-form post on intranet software and link it to epazz.com, I might write about the adventures that I'm having at work as I develop a program to connect our production test equipment through our network. In contrast, if I were to write a review type post, my post would be focused entirely on Epazz's intranet program. In this case, I would probably write about their 30 day free trial of their software; how they seek to improve workflow through an effective collaboration and in-depth personalization to the end-user's level; and how the software is designed to easily integrate to all of an enterprise's backend systems. The difference is that in a review post, the advertiser dictates what point they want covered. In a free-form, the writer has a creative license about the topic.

So if you are an advertiser who would like to have posts written for your product or service, please know that there is a difference between a review and a free-form entry. Please make your request accordingly and thank you for your support.

Marriage Tactics of One Southern Woman

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Would you like to hear how a woman who is just under 5 feet tall was able to straighten out my friend, her 6 foot 6 tall husband? After a few months of marriage, my friend's wife began to realize that her husband wasn't quite as perfect as she believed him to be while they were dating. In fact, she discovered that he could be a downright slob at times -- his dirty clothes could be found strewn about the house, he drank straight from the milk carton and put the nearly empty container back in the fridge. As he put it, he was just short of marking his territory in the house. This blushing bride brought her concerns to his mother who told her that, as a new wife, she was going to have to get his attention right away "even if it takes hitting him upside the head with a frying pan."

The next day during dinner, this petite, patience, very passive wife talked about her concerns with large, loud husband who simply laughed it off as the mutterings of his "little woman". There is a limit to the patience of any good person. And his reaction simply infuriated her. She took the figurative advice of her mother-in-law literally and applied a fine piece of berndes cookware upside my friend's thick skull. When he came to, his new bride was nowhere in the house. She had in fact gone immediately to his mother, screaming "I think I killed him." The two women went straight back to the scene of the attitude adjustment and found my friend sitting in the kitchen, clutching an ice bag to the back of his head. He immediately apologized and said that he would change his ways. His mother added, "You gosh darn better!"

I am very happy to report that they have been married over 15 years now and have six children. My friend tells me from that moment on, he had a new found respect for his little bride. It's funny how a nonstick frying pan can cause some good things to stick.

He's Not As Bad As You Think

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He steps into the office with the swagger of a bad ass. His leather boots make ominous thuds as he walks down the hall. The chains on his leather pants and jacket jingle just enough to get your attention. His black shaded, tough guy, Wiley X sunglasses hide his eyes so that all you can focus on is a dark mustache riding atop a deep scowling mouth.

Of course we know better. Outside is a beat up AMC Gremlin, held together by bond-O and chicken wire. Inside, he removes his sunglasses to reveal deep wrinkles about his blood-shot eyes. His mustache is an unnatural shade of black for a man his age. His leather pants may have once held a cow but now they stretch to extreme limits to contain his gut. His dark boots are scuffed and dull with the soles threatening to walk away on their own accord if they could. Clothes don't make the man. The man makes the man.

Programming for Fun and Profit

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I have often heard that it is easy for programmers to make themselves indispensable to a company. Just keep your code cryptic and your documentation minimal if not, nonexistent. But these are just signs of a bad programmer and not of somebody that company could value.

Since I have never followed these ill-advised practices, perhaps that is why I am the only programmer left in my company. And now, my job function is in extremely high demand (though you never know how valuable I am from my pay raises, or lack thereof). So to try and make my job more accessible by the shrinking number of workers in our facility, I was able to convince my boss's boss to purchase a programming environment known as LabVIEW. Instead of writing thousands of lines of code and documentation, I can now drag and drop an icon of the function that I need. I can then draw a wire from the icon's inputs and outputs to that of other icons to create my program. Result is a picture that shows how the program flows in a way that almost anyone can understand. Amazingly, the size of the executable file has shrunken like a large person on a hoodia diet. So now I have a smaller, often times faster file that can be read and modified by someone other than me.

Now this doesn't mean I'm putting myself out of a job. Like any programming environment, LabVIEW has its own set of complexities and learning curve. But if I write my LabVIEW programs well with enough flexibility in them, someone else can be called to the floor to do the hand-holding that our production and sales often need. I can then spend my time more productively ... like looking for another job with a more appreciative company.

Fun With Toprol

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I hope that this drug, Toprol, is worth taking because its side effects have been something else. When I began taking it a few days ago, the doctor instructed me to take only a quarter of the tablet and to do so in the evening. An hour after taking my first dosage that night, I understood why he said this. It was like feeling a gentle fog roll in through my muscles and through my thoughts. Have you ever had dreams where it feels as though you're moving through molasses or, worse yet, you have a claustrophobic immobility? As this drug-induced fog became denser, I became a bit concerned those nightmarish dreams were going to take form in my waking hours. Fortunately it stopped and simply became a slightly euphoric but overwhelming tiredness. In addition to that, my dreams have been nothing short of bizarre when I release myself to the world of sleep.

I am supposed to increase the dosage to a half of a tablet in a few days. But in reading more about the drug on WebMD, I've discovered that I can't suddenly stop taking it. Yet, while that tired euphoria isn't all that bad, it doesn't appear that I will have to seek addiction treatment because of the medicine. So to make sure I can stop taking Toprol, I'm changing my diet and habits. Time will tell how well all of this will work out.