What are we thinking?

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What is it that makes us accept hype as gossip and follow the herd into bitter disappointment. For example, a little while ago atro phex was all the rage as an incredible weight-management, energy pill. People bought in droves until reports that energetic weight loss was really rapid sprints to the bathroom for intense bouts of colon cleansing. Since atro phex is not the first bad diet pill, you would think people would know better by now. But no. First the bitter consequences, followed by "What was I thinking?!"

Same goes with recent government intervention against those evil business people. Sounds great! Down with the evil doers! Just forget the past and don't look behind the curtain of history at the root of some of business' evil practices. That's when little items like the following to will make you say, "What are we thinking?"

Things Change When You Get Older

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I'm 50. My body just isn't what it used to be. Today I realized that a tremendous sex drive means only that my girlfriend lives 130 miles away ...

Big Words From Such a Little Mind

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Have you ever been around people who tend to make things sound much more complicated than they really are? It's as if they have a compelling need to take a simple term and turn it into a poly syllabic phrase. I have one such friend who suffers from this affliction. Actually, he has the affliction, the rest of us suffer.

He works as an exterminator. Instead of saying that you step on a bug to kill it, he refers to the action as applying "spontaneous compression" so that the bug dies from "vertical planar syndrome". The other day, he had an assignment at the Campbell Soup factory down the road. You can imagine how all the dried grains and vegetables tend to attract an insect or two. Instead of telling me that he was putting Indian meal moth traps around the plant, he said he was installing "Native-American-dinner-butterfly hunting gear". I guess he thought this was funny because most of the workers at factory claim lineage to Lumbee tribe. I'm thinking that if he tells any of them what he is installing, he is soon to be informed of how "factually unencumbered" and "non-cerebrally gifted" he is. No doubt the more expressive members of the group are sure to help him become "metabolically inactive". All I can say is that he just bugs me...

Create Your Own Discount

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My bathroom is a need of some work. But as I shopped at Lowe's and Home Depot, I couldn't find anything cheap enough for my budget. So I've devised a plan to create some discount bath fixtures at these shopping warehouses. Tell me what you think.

How about sitting on one of the display toilets with your pants about your ankles until one of the sales associates walks by. Surely you and I could get a price break if we ask for some toilet paper and a discount on the slightly used toilet. Or, we could borrow pail from the hardware section and fill it full of water from the garden section. Then with a scrub brush purloined from the bath section, we can proceed to bathe in one of those luxurious tubs until the manager kicks us out the store. And what are they going to do with the bathtub is personalized with our dirt? I smell price cut ... among other things.

Anyone else have other ideas?

Watch This!

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Pssst! Hey buddy! Can I ... tock ... to you for a few minutes? You look like the kind of guy who might be interested in a couple of Nooka watches.

Now hold on! I'm not trying to ... tick ... you off! But if you're like me, there's never enough time. Yeah, I know --- unless you're serving it.

Ok, OK. I know time is relative. I know that the length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. No, I'm not trying to get philosophical here. I just want to make a sale.

Of course, you have to admit that time is a great teacher. Sadly, it kills all of its pupils but that's life.

What's that? Sure, time is a great healer. But have you noticed that it's a lousy beautician?

Anyway, what do you say? How about a new watch? How about one with the old-style analog hands? I understand that the days of the digital watch are numbered... Oh Yeah? Same to you, Bub!

Thoughts On Clerkless Checkout Lines

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Is there any good reason to use the self checkout lines at the stores? You would think that the store would give you a discount when they don't have to pay an employee to check out your shopping items. But, no!

So the only advantage I can find in using a clerk-less register is when you buy items that you rather nobody else know about. For us older guys, that's usually hair dye, Beano, diet pills, alcohol and the latest copy of Maxim magazine. Is there anything worse than that condescending look from some judgmental cashier as she scans your precious purchases? Yes, there is!

If the register has problems identifying an item, you're back to those embarrassing pages for price checks ... which is what happened to me when I went to pick up feminine hygiene products for my girlfriend. As a clerk gave me a smirk while reaching for her malicious microphone, I said, "I'm sorry. I picked up the wrong thing. I thought I had got 'Break Pads for Men'." She stopped in mid-grab and her smirk changed to a quizzical expression. So I added, "You know that product for men that has the motto 'When skid marks aren't just for the road.'" Sometimes stunned bafflement is all you need to quickly pay for your purchases and leave. Unfortunately my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I arrived home with an unpadded grocery bill.

REcover verses reCOVER

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I can follow directions. If they're clear, I can usually reach the goal of those informative steps.

Yesterday, I slipped one of those "Freezer Queen" family entrees into the microwave and set the timer for the prescribed minutes. After the microwave dinged, I salivated (my appliance has me well trained) and read the next instruction, "peel back film, stir and recover."

For a few seconds, I had a senior moment. Recover? Recover from what? Then I had a slap-of-the-forehead moment. Oh! "Put the film back over the meal" recover. Duh!

So I began tugging on the film that was attached to the container with what must have been surgical glue. Finally, with a pull that would have made King Arthur proud, the film snapped away from its death grip on the container, flinging hot, boiling gravy (there's hot, then boiling, then hot boiling, just under a tad less than nuclear) on my hand, arm, and face. After shouting something that translates to "Golly Gee, that was hot!", I quickly dashed to the sink for a bath in freezing water ... and recovered.

I was right the first time.

Battle of the Hot Water

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My water heater works very well for the care and maintenance of a single guy. But my family is about to increase four fold in a few months. While I'll boil some water for their cups of coffee, I'm not interested in boiling pots of water for everyone's bath.

So off to the local hardware store I went. There, I was greeted by an overly eager sales rep who also a solder from Fort Bragg's tank command. Today he was working part time to make end's meet for his family.

Let me tell you this was not your average sales guy --- everything was in terms of his military job. "Now, sir, you need something that will attack your cold water as quickly and as forcefully as possible. Just like a unstoppable tank, it has to soundly defeat its objective. Now, here's a water heater that reminds me of a Panther tank -- sleek, German engineering, persistent until the job is done. Of course, I prefer American-made myself. This one here is like the Sherman tank of the industry -- attacks on the coldness of water until it is absolutely boiling with fury! It's truly deadly" Deadly? I'm hoping that he was referring to germs and not my delicate skin.

And so his spiel went on for 30 minutes as he tried to storm the heights of my resolve not to buy anything just yet. I understand the need for a sale. But I'm a simple man. I just wanted learn about what is available to warm the gentle water quietly flowing through the pipes in my humble home ... not kill it. A tankless water heater will do just fine.

Another Marketing Idea Goes To The Dogs

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You're probably aware of the fashionable practice that removes part of a Doberman Pinscher's tail when it's a puppy. I guess this is to give the dog its vicious, tough-guy look when it reaches full maturity. If there's nothing to wag, you can't tell if the dog is happy to see you as a friend or as a snack.

My friend views this practice as animal mutilation and has decided to do something about it. He wants to open a chain of businesses from coast to coast that specialize in reattaching tails on Doberman Pinschers. My dog-loving friend plans to do this operation at cost and believes his wholesale retail franchises will be very successful. We'll see. I've taken a few business courses on retailing. I don't think this is what they meant, doggone it.

Step 102: How Not To Run A Business

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A nuclear explosion takes place when the most insignificant of particles creates an escalating chain reaction that quickly becomes an OMG BOOM! Of course, by the time you think of the acronym OMG, the boom has already reduced you to more insignificant particles.

So this past Monday, yet another employee (insignificant in the eyes of the powers-that-be) turned in her notice and unintentionally started what may become a nuclear explosion within our company. I'll give you time to read my post about her actions. Okay, done? Well then, let me post about the today's next action in this chain of disastrous business decisions as our Director of human resources showed herself to be Catbert's role model.

She strolled about the plant handing out her restrictive policy (highly approved by the CFO and Pres) on employee vacation time. What she didn't expect were the angry questions and comments as she went from production cell to production cell. She might as well have been poking a large bear with a stick. She reacted to one employee who has been there 37 years by asking sarcastically, "Do you really believe that you deserve 20 days off a year?" After years of simmering employee frustration over greedy business policies, you can imagine how this attitude by our wonderful HR and the impromptu rule change has pushed the workers to a boiling point. Shortly after she finished her walk through the plant, we received notice that there would be an employee meeting about the new vacation protocol and "other important matters".

Our guess at this moment is that "other important matters" means stopping 401(k) matching or, to appease the natives who are now considering a sitdown strike, pay raises that are six years overdue. We'll find out tomorrow if this chain reaction destroys what could have been a great company.

Jan. 8th: Update

To A Healthy New Year

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What better way to start a new year than with healthy activities and tasty treats? I mean look at those melons, tantalizing, tempting, whispering to your inner being about the passion of life. You can almost feel the sweet caress against your moist lips. And that's what life is about -- being vibrant and sensuous.

Those fruits in the picture from the Persimmon trees look pretty good too, don't they!

Listening To My Tape...worms

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Trying to remove weight by simply swallowing pills is nothing new. Over a hundred years ago, one of the fads of the day called for ingesting very effective weight loss pills that contained -- tapeworms! And if certain health risks had not prevailed (such as death), they might be on the market today.

It's not that tapeworms disappeared. They just became more mechanical. In the 70s and 80s, it was Reel-to-Reel, 8-track and cassette tapes that contained wormy music from such "artists" as Vanilla Ice and various boy bands. Repeated listening was pretty much guaranteed to help you lose your appetite. I am pretty certain that Bulimia nervosa would not have become so popular if the music industry hadn't overpromoted music groups that make you gag.

Of course these days, we no longer have tape or tapeworms. One was replaced by shiny discs and the other by shiny pills. Fortunate for us, the pills are the right size to shove in our ears. You might not lose weight, but you are certain to be much happier.

Please Forgive Me ....

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I couldn't help myself from doing this post on my other site.

Yet another post with a diet pill name in it

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Fentraphen. There! I wrote it! One more diet pill to help you eat more while exercising less. Don't you feel better now?!

Although lately, there has been one diet that has really helped me to shed a few of pounds. I'm sure a lot of you have unintentionally taken part in it. It's called the high price of food! But now that gas is coming down in price, I can't wait for cost of food to follow suit. When it does, I and my wallet are going to abandon this strict diet. You can call me a desserter to the cause if you like. But that's the way I roll ... all fluffy and buttery.

A Special Keyboard for ... Blondes

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You've probably realized that we live in a time when there is a niche market for everything. But in this age of making sure we don't hurt each other's feelings, I wasn't expecting to find a keyboard for blondes.

Click on the picture and take a look at those keys!!


Yes I agree that the wording of the keys is very helpful. Who among us -- blonde, brunette, redhead, clear (you bald guys) -- has not found ourselves frantically searching the keyboard for an "any key" to press when prompted by the superior intellect of our computer? I know that blondes have all the fun but shouldn't the rest of us be allowed to have such a keyboard? To limit this kind of joy to those with fair hair is a bit discriminatory, don't you think? The next thing you know only blondes will be allowed to buy books without words in them. (Although I don't think that will stop them from moving their lips while they're reading.)

A rose by any other name ... would be thinner?

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What is it about girls named Allie? I've yet to meet a girl named Ally who has more than 2% body fat. I submit to you Ally McBeal as an example. Is there something in their name that makes them skinnier than the 'L' in their name?

My friend is dating such a girl. But instead of spelling her name as Ally or Allie, she uses the same word as the diet medicine, alli. Coincidence? I wonder.

I'm not sure what my friend finds attractive about her. For such a thin woman, she is very loud and boisterous. Sadly, she's also bulimic. I can only imagine him taking her to a restaurant. I wonder if, every few minutes, he has to say, "Shhh! Do you think you could keep it down?"

A Very Special Navitity Scene

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I drove by a church marquee this morning that read "drive-through nativity scene". At first I thought it was a reference to last year's incident when a woman lost control of her car and drove through their nativity scene. No one was hurt but she did end up with the figurine of Joseph on her dashboard ... and she wasn't even Catholic.

But, no, this was an actual "drive your car around the back of the church and around the nativity" scene. I can just imagine pulling up to find a speaker on a shepherd staff and having to place an order, "Yeah, I'd like the 'Three Wise Men' special with extra Mary and a cup of Joe. No, I don't want to shepherd-size-it. What? The shepherd size comes with goat -- are you kidding?" You know how they'll do anything for sale. After you place your order, they'll have you follow the bright star in the East to the window of the heavenly hosts. There, you'll be greeted by Mexican kid named Jesus and a surly manager who keeps yelling at Jesus saying, "Close the door! What's the matter with you? Were you raised in a barn?!"

I guarantee this drive-through nativity will make your season.

Multifunctional Furniture

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So there I was a few months ago, relaxing at my brother-in-law's home, watching football on a high-definition TV and sampling a few locally brewed beers. It was a beautiful sunny autumn day. And since my brother-in-law lives in the country, we had the windows open to enjoy the flagrantly warm autumn air.

All was going well when we noticed a slight odor of cow manure and a soft but annoying chewing sound. It quickly reached a point where we glanced at the open window behind us. There, sitting on a cow, was his neighbor watching the game along with us. I don't know if straddling a cow is the ideal in leather home theater seating, but at least it pays for itself.

Thanksgiving Prank

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This Thanksgiving, I'm either going to be at my sister's home or with the parents of my girlfriend. Either way I thought of a prank that I want to play.

Wal-Mart's sells Cornish hens that are about the size of your hand for two dollars. One plan is to sneak one of those hens into the oven along with the turkey. When it's time to deliver the feast onto the table, I want to be that helpful soul who takes the heavy turkey from the oven to the table. Except, instead of the large, well cooked turkey, I walk into the dining room carrying the Cornish hen and say, "I think you cooked the turkey too long. It shrunk!"

Option two. Again, as ever the helpful boy, I offer to stuff the turkey. Once our turkey is cooked and on the table, I begin to take out the stuffing as I usually do. And then, as the family sits in eager anticipation of the feast, I pull out the small cooked, Cornish hen from inside the turkey. With a look of disgust and dismay, I say, "Oh my goodness! You cook the baby too!"

If I don't survive this holiday season, I'm sure you'll realize that something *fowl* probably happen to me. As long as it involves gravy and lots of whipped cream, I won't mind too much ...

The Latest In Business Decision Making

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You're not going to believe this latest business tool!