As my body closes in on the half-century mark, it seems to be losing its svelte form. I know part of the problem is that I should become more physically active. In fact, I am fortunate that my TV and refrigerator are so far apart from each other, otherwise I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
A friend suggested I get a treadmill. But that makes as much sense as getting a stairmaster -- several minutes of walking and you're still right where you started. If I'm going to spend half an hour of continuous leg movement, I better arrive at some place very important. Like a bakery or a micro brewery.
It's not that I have anything against treadmills. I just think that people are using them in boring ways. Ideally, you need a minimum of four treadmills in order to use them to their full potential as shown here:
I believe that learning this dance could be a very helpful skill to know, especially if you get attacked by a mugger in an alley full of treadmills. You'll definitely never thwart a mugger's attack in an alley full of stairmasters.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Can Some Things Be Too Thin?
Eons ago (in terms of how fast technology advances. Actually it was this past January.), Sony brought forth upon the gadget-starved world an OLEP (organic light emitting display) television that was as thick as three credit cards. Coincidentally, three credit cards are exactly what you need to max out to purchase this rather expensive piece of electronics whenever it is made available to the public.This week Sony outdid themselves as they revealed their next generation of yet to be released OLEP televisions. This one is thinner than one credit card or one ABS unit (Ally McBeal sideways). While I applaud these advances in home entertainment displays, this TV is just a paper cut waiting to happen when someone goes to clean their brand-new set. This may explain why Sony is recommending to potential customers that they add a well-stocked medical kit to their home theater furniture.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Want To See A Picture of My Pride and Joy?
Today's phrase is "Snapfish coupons". Aside from saying that I'm having a whale of a time as I write about this on porpoise, I've got nothing. Why anyone would need a coupon to buy a snap fish is beyond me. What is a snap fish? What does it look like? How do you cook it? I tried looking it up online but only found a site full of cutesy kids and surly cats. Worst yet was that this site wanted to charge to make copies of these peoples' prides and joys. I guess if someone is going to guilt you into looking at pictures of their ugly, booger-eating kids, they should pay a price for your pain and suffering. That's why I enjoy saying, "Do you want to see a picture of my pride and joy?" And then I show them this:
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Is The Task Simple? No, Only I Am.
Why does simple task always turn into the most time-consuming, wallet-draining, profanity-inducing event in our already crisis laden lives? I thought, and maybe that was my first mistake, that I would fix my kitchen faucet's year old tiny leak. I had put off the repair for several months because I knew that winter would eventually arrive. If it brought any sub zero temperatures, I would already have a dripping faucet in place to keep the pipes from freezing. (It's not procrastination. Just good planning!) And now it's almost summer. I've been assured (by the news media and a few scientists whose grant money is dependent upon proving human-caused global warming) that future winters have been replaced by a lengthy autumn.
So I thought I would start out this Memorial Day weekend with a little home repair work. Besides, how complicated can kitchen faucets be -- a pipe, a metal ball with a few holes, and a couple of washers. I questioned my simpleton confidence only after I realized the faucet had been assembled during World War II and had not been taken apart since. My plumbing tools now expanded to include WD-40 and a sledgehammer. The real fun began when I reached under the sink to turn off the water supply. Where shutoff valves should have been, I found welded pipe. Eventually I found the shutoff valve or rather, its location --- outside, housed in a cement ring. The handle to the valve was conveniently protected from easy access by at least a foot of dirt that had accumulated from years of muddy rain washing into the ring. It's never a good thing when plumbing involves the use of a shovel.
Sometimes the easiest way to fix something is rename the situation. Thanks to my previous repair attempt, the drips are now an ever increasing flow of water. So this Memorial Day weekend, it can be said that I "built" my very own kitchen fountain. All I need to do now is buy flood insurance.
So I thought I would start out this Memorial Day weekend with a little home repair work. Besides, how complicated can kitchen faucets be -- a pipe, a metal ball with a few holes, and a couple of washers. I questioned my simpleton confidence only after I realized the faucet had been assembled during World War II and had not been taken apart since. My plumbing tools now expanded to include WD-40 and a sledgehammer. The real fun began when I reached under the sink to turn off the water supply. Where shutoff valves should have been, I found welded pipe. Eventually I found the shutoff valve or rather, its location --- outside, housed in a cement ring. The handle to the valve was conveniently protected from easy access by at least a foot of dirt that had accumulated from years of muddy rain washing into the ring. It's never a good thing when plumbing involves the use of a shovel.
Sometimes the easiest way to fix something is rename the situation. Thanks to my previous repair attempt, the drips are now an ever increasing flow of water. So this Memorial Day weekend, it can be said that I "built" my very own kitchen fountain. All I need to do now is buy flood insurance.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Making Our Own Words
Vox is a Latin word for voice. Lips are what we use to shape that voice into something intelligent. At least that's what we hope for as we review those sounds going in and out of our head. Yet you couldn't refer to that process as lipovox reviews. It turns out that Lipovox is a pill that's supposed to help you not put more food past your lips then you really need to. It has nothing to do with your voice assuming you don't talk when you have a mouth full of food. For such people, you need lipolocks.
Friday, May 16, 2008
No Riots To Report In January
I wrote this post in January but have kept it private as I agonized over making it public. The last thing I want to do is upset someone who was born without a sense of humor. Usually they're the ones who make up for their defect by introducing you to their lawyer or their gun collection. So last week, I showed my private work to friends whom this post might affect. They laughed and encouraged me to publish it. Ok then. There shouldn't be any law suits or gun play. Besides, enough time has passed since January that the humorless won't get this.
Anyway, near my home is a florist run by an elderly couple. Nice people but sometimes you have to wonder if they should just retire and grow plants instead of dealing with the public every day. In mid January of this year, they advertised the most unusual of arrangements -- a bouquet of fluffy cotton, colorfully adorned with tiny yellow, red and violet flowers. I don't think that they realize the timing of this floral offering because nothing says "Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day" better than a bouquet of cotton when given in the South. The scary part was they also had watermelon scented candles in the shape of a cross for sale. Surprisingly, no one associated their merchandise with January's governmentally mandated MLK holiday. No riots took place. Just an incident by some confused people who were against picketing but didn't know how to show it.
So all is well. It was simply my warped humor that put two innocent events together. I understand that the candles sold very well during Easter...
Anyway, near my home is a florist run by an elderly couple. Nice people but sometimes you have to wonder if they should just retire and grow plants instead of dealing with the public every day. In mid January of this year, they advertised the most unusual of arrangements -- a bouquet of fluffy cotton, colorfully adorned with tiny yellow, red and violet flowers. I don't think that they realize the timing of this floral offering because nothing says "Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day" better than a bouquet of cotton when given in the South. The scary part was they also had watermelon scented candles in the shape of a cross for sale. Surprisingly, no one associated their merchandise with January's governmentally mandated MLK holiday. No riots took place. Just an incident by some confused people who were against picketing but didn't know how to show it.
So all is well. It was simply my warped humor that put two innocent events together. I understand that the candles sold very well during Easter...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Where Did My Future Goodies Go?
In 1976, our English teacher had us celebrated of the bicentennial year. Her idea of a festive activity was making us write a paper to put in a time capsule. I have a feeling that time capsule was actually the trash can next to her desk. Still, we had a lot of fun predicting what would take place in 25 years.
Many of us thought we would all have jet packs and eat meals that were nothing more than pills. Some of my pot smoking friends express their hopes in the legalization of marijuana. Personally I thought that would be a bad combination. The last thing that I would want to see is one of my stoned friends jetting through the air while downing a super-size bottle of food pills. (Although "jetting" is probably the wrong term. "Hovering while being awed by pushes from the wind" would be more accurate.)
So here we are in the 21st century and, I have to wonder, what happened? The only jet pack around is on the back of one lucky employee of Disney's Epcot Center. The government hasn't figured out how to make money by legalizing pot. And the only pills remotely related to food are fancy-named diet pills, which may help if you get the munchies by less-than-legal means.
The future looked bright. We tried to wear shades. But we're not where we thought we would be. That's ok. For the most part, I think we've got it made.
Many of us thought we would all have jet packs and eat meals that were nothing more than pills. Some of my pot smoking friends express their hopes in the legalization of marijuana. Personally I thought that would be a bad combination. The last thing that I would want to see is one of my stoned friends jetting through the air while downing a super-size bottle of food pills. (Although "jetting" is probably the wrong term. "Hovering while being awed by pushes from the wind" would be more accurate.)
So here we are in the 21st century and, I have to wonder, what happened? The only jet pack around is on the back of one lucky employee of Disney's Epcot Center. The government hasn't figured out how to make money by legalizing pot. And the only pills remotely related to food are fancy-named diet pills, which may help if you get the munchies by less-than-legal means.
The future looked bright. We tried to wear shades. But we're not where we thought we would be. That's ok. For the most part, I think we've got it made.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
How Not Make It To Your Next Birthday
I'm sure everyone enjoys a good practical joke every now and then (for some reason, according to a recent study, most everyone prefers playing them as opposed to being on the receiving end. Where is your sense of humor, people?). So in this time of stress and bad news, let me offer you a few pranks or, as I like to call them, things-to-do-so-that-you-don't-make-it-to-your-next-birthday.
Most women say that they love a guy with a sense of humor. So let's show them what a funny guy you really are when you boil a pair of their best high heels in hot water and then drying them in the oven. Guaranteed to shrink their shoes by almost one size.
For your automotive-loving friends, sneak over to their house in the dead of night and put Ford grills on their Chevy trucks. I would suggest putting a Chevy Grill on a Ford truck but the purpose of any practical joke is not to improve the situation or be practical.
The next time your friends invite you over to a party, bring gifts. Toilet paper dusted with itching powder is always a favorite especially if you've added Ex-Lax to the chocolate dip. Fill an empty toothpaste tube with Orajel (or any numbing gel) and leave it on their bathroom sink. This will leave them speechless.
I have many, many more but I'm sure these are more than enough to help you reach hermit status.
Most women say that they love a guy with a sense of humor. So let's show them what a funny guy you really are when you boil a pair of their best high heels in hot water and then drying them in the oven. Guaranteed to shrink their shoes by almost one size.
For your automotive-loving friends, sneak over to their house in the dead of night and put Ford grills on their Chevy trucks. I would suggest putting a Chevy Grill on a Ford truck but the purpose of any practical joke is not to improve the situation or be practical.
The next time your friends invite you over to a party, bring gifts. Toilet paper dusted with itching powder is always a favorite especially if you've added Ex-Lax to the chocolate dip. Fill an empty toothpaste tube with Orajel (or any numbing gel) and leave it on their bathroom sink. This will leave them speechless.
I have many, many more but I'm sure these are more than enough to help you reach hermit status.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
I'm Sorry
Of all the appliances in my home, I probably should appreciate my water heater more. In fact, I should know better. A few years ago, the warmth disappeared from our close, watery relationship when the heating elements died. Eighteen months went by before I had the heart and, more importantly, the funds to buy a new water heater. During that time apart, I heated buckets of water and took baths camper style in my tub. Adapt and adopt, don't you know! Finally the day arrived when I installed a new water heating tank. My first shower was as close to heaven as you can get while remaining alive. Since then, I have drifted to the thankless state of taking my hot water for granted. If my liquid warmth disappears again, my most deepest appreciation will return along with one of those tankless water heaters. After all, it's a tankless job but something has to do it...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Springtime Entertainment At The Mall
Now that spring is here, you know what this means -- less clothes. For us guys, this means that the mall can become a source of visual entertainment. Not only are there beautiful women in outfits that make you glad to be a man, there are also those hilarious herds of guys who dress to attract as much attention as possible. Perhaps you have seen them too. They're usually wearing boardshorts at knee level so they can show off their baggy bloomers.
Any day now I expect a new trend to develop. So don't be surprised when you see these confused studs dragging their pants behind them with the belt connected to their ankle. Remember, you read it here first!
Any day now I expect a new trend to develop. So don't be surprised when you see these confused studs dragging their pants behind them with the belt connected to their ankle. Remember, you read it here first!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Instant Weight Loss
I think that the Earth is getting heavier as time goes by. Maybe you have noticed this effect as well. When I compare my weight to what I was in my 20s, I have undeniable proof that this is happening.
To counteract the Earth's tug on me, I tried using weight loss pills Unfortunately every time I lost the pounds, I ended up putting them back on. I was working in a lost-and-found that the time. My boss would say, "Hey, these pounds look familiar. Are they yours?" Of course they were so I would reluctantly put them back on.
I have the perfect idea for weight loss. We simply take all the billions of dollars spent on dieting and develop a space program to send out Mt. Everest into space. We'll instantly be a lot lighter and without any of the effort. Remember, you read it here first.
To counteract the Earth's tug on me, I tried using weight loss pills Unfortunately every time I lost the pounds, I ended up putting them back on. I was working in a lost-and-found that the time. My boss would say, "Hey, these pounds look familiar. Are they yours?" Of course they were so I would reluctantly put them back on.
I have the perfect idea for weight loss. We simply take all the billions of dollars spent on dieting and develop a space program to send out Mt. Everest into space. We'll instantly be a lot lighter and without any of the effort. Remember, you read it here first.
I Think Therefore I Sit
I sit too much, either hunched over a keyboard or behind a steering wheel. There, I said it. I sit for almost 3 hours while driving to and from work. Once at work, I can spend at least five hours confined to my desk (on a good day). At home, a few more hours find me sitting upright while working on various projects.
And since I gave up exercising last year for my New Year's resolution (15 straight months and counting, thank you), I've noticed that the Earth's gravity has increased slightly in its tugging power on my body. Lately, when I come out of that computer-screen-induced trance for those few seconds, I noticed that I'm hunched over the keyboard with a slight trickle of drool off the corner of my mouth. My abdomen is extended as if I was in my second trimester of labor. This probably explains my lower back pains. So I'm thinking that a posture corrector may be in order. Or a job where I can work in a big, old, comfy reclining chair...
And since I gave up exercising last year for my New Year's resolution (15 straight months and counting, thank you), I've noticed that the Earth's gravity has increased slightly in its tugging power on my body. Lately, when I come out of that computer-screen-induced trance for those few seconds, I noticed that I'm hunched over the keyboard with a slight trickle of drool off the corner of my mouth. My abdomen is extended as if I was in my second trimester of labor. This probably explains my lower back pains. So I'm thinking that a posture corrector may be in order. Or a job where I can work in a big, old, comfy reclining chair...
The Ultimate CD Burner
I've been involved in the electronics industry for 30 years now. During these years, my friends and family have continually asked me for advice on the latest high tech gadgetry. It's gotten to the point where friends of my friends and family are getting in contact with me with their questions. The other day someone asked me about what would be best to put their music on to CDs. They named off artists and songs that they were interested in -- groups that basically were doing terrible remixes of bad remixes of songs that were once great. After a few minutes of this conversation, it became obvious that there could only be one CD burner for them ... a fireplace.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Another Chapter In Life
The time I spent last week with my youngest son was long overdue. Now that he's 16, we were able to have several heart-to-heart talks that weren't possible when he was younger. As I look at this gangly youth who now towers over me, I hope to have planted some seeds of success in his mind.
This is the time in his life of social awareness. So one of his biggest concerns was how hormones are ravaging his face. Fortunately, his mother has bought him a natural acne treatment. Surprisingly, she hasn't gone so natural as to include sandpaper, sterilized needles and an avoidance of zitti pasta.
And that would be his second biggest concern -- his mother. While I have maintained that he needed to respect her because she is his mother, he's finally realizing the type of person she is and why I had to divorce her a few years ago. Hopefully, he will make some better choices for his life because of our time together.
This is the time in his life of social awareness. So one of his biggest concerns was how hormones are ravaging his face. Fortunately, his mother has bought him a natural acne treatment. Surprisingly, she hasn't gone so natural as to include sandpaper, sterilized needles and an avoidance of zitti pasta.
And that would be his second biggest concern -- his mother. While I have maintained that he needed to respect her because she is his mother, he's finally realizing the type of person she is and why I had to divorce her a few years ago. Hopefully, he will make some better choices for his life because of our time together.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
It's Raining Lawyers
If law school is so difficult, why are there so many lawyers? If you open my phone book, you will find most of the yellow pages dedicated to members of the legal profession --- people who want to help you rescue your property from your enemies and keep it to themselves. This is all done through specialization. For example, not only are there accident lawyers but you can find car accident lawyers, truck accident lawyers, skateboard accident lawyers, and walking-while-chewing-gum accident lawyers.
Yes, there are more attorneys than there are jokes about them. In fact, if you were to stack lawyers end to end, not only could you reach the moon and back but there would be plenty of them left over to sue you for stacking lawyers to begin with. Isn't it amazing that, with all the problems that we have with this profession, it is the one industry that has escaped the regulations that prevail in all other businesses...
Yes, there are more attorneys than there are jokes about them. In fact, if you were to stack lawyers end to end, not only could you reach the moon and back but there would be plenty of them left over to sue you for stacking lawyers to begin with. Isn't it amazing that, with all the problems that we have with this profession, it is the one industry that has escaped the regulations that prevail in all other businesses...
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Children, Luggage, and Airline Quality
According to the "Airline Quality Rating", the airline industrys' score is at an all-time low. The biggest complaint from passengers is about their luggage being lost or arriving days, months, years after the owners discover that they urgently need fresh underwear and a toothbrush (not necessarily to be used together).
Another rising concern involves airlines 'misplacing' children on flights. That is, some parents hand their beloved darlings over to an airline for safe delivery to their waiting grandparents. Somehow, despite the notes tacked to the clothes of these innocent travelers, a few flights have been ending with an airline having difficult locating their precious cargo. (Personally, I think it was a case of weary grandparents, a bribed flight attendant, and bratty grandchildren who end up touring the friendly skies for "just a few more days.")
If these trends continue, years from now, we will have a new civilization of lost luggage people -- vanished children who lived among the missing baggage. Armed only with unconfiscated nail clippers, they survived by living off of the contents of forgotten suitcases and airline peanuts. What will become of these misplaced adults? Ah, not to worry. They will be the airlines' new baggage handlers and TSA inspectors.
Another rising concern involves airlines 'misplacing' children on flights. That is, some parents hand their beloved darlings over to an airline for safe delivery to their waiting grandparents. Somehow, despite the notes tacked to the clothes of these innocent travelers, a few flights have been ending with an airline having difficult locating their precious cargo. (Personally, I think it was a case of weary grandparents, a bribed flight attendant, and bratty grandchildren who end up touring the friendly skies for "just a few more days.")
If these trends continue, years from now, we will have a new civilization of lost luggage people -- vanished children who lived among the missing baggage. Armed only with unconfiscated nail clippers, they survived by living off of the contents of forgotten suitcases and airline peanuts. What will become of these misplaced adults? Ah, not to worry. They will be the airlines' new baggage handlers and TSA inspectors.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Is Your Bathroom Vain?
If conceit is God's gift to small minded people, then what are bathroom vanities? Are those small towels that no one can touch really so vain or are they just lonely? It's understandable as they hang there with the fancy embroidered picture that wouldn't absorb a drop of water if it was drowning. The same question goes for those cutesy, carved soaps. If we really need roses and turtles, shouldn't we get the real things?
No, I don't have pretentious items in my bathroom. Just give me towels that dry and soap that foams. If I'm in a playful mood, I'll have foamy towels and fuzzy soap. There's no place for vanity in my bathroom ... there's more than enough when I'm in it!
No, I don't have pretentious items in my bathroom. Just give me towels that dry and soap that foams. If I'm in a playful mood, I'll have foamy towels and fuzzy soap. There's no place for vanity in my bathroom ... there's more than enough when I'm in it!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Lady Luck Cracked A Smile and My Windshield
After 180,000 miles of travel, my car had more tiny pits in its windshield than there are in a miniature cherry orchard. I tend to think of these marks as tiny love scars from all the miles I've driven to take care of my family and friends. My pitted windshield provides a relatively clear view, until I drive facing the sun. Then it becomes a very sparkly blast of glare and star patterns. Until last week, I had to endure this since my car insurance didn't cover its replacement. What a pane! And then, Lady Luck cracked a smile. While I was driving and wondering how much longer I would have to put up with this, a rock came out of no where and began a glass fracture that quickly meandered across the windshield. Ta-Da! My insurance covered that and with no deductible. Now I can see clearly! It's amazing how we don't realize how much we are compensating for inconveniences and aggravations in our lives until they are removed.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I'm A Walking English-to-American-to-Southern Dictionary
Having a British mother and an American father with Canadian heritage, I guess I'm just a multicultural kind of guy. I know about elevators and lifts. I can identify bathroom faucets, taps, and spigots. When I moved into South, my horizons expanded to included things like nabs, RC cola and moon pies. Now I drink a refreshing English hot tea, a northern style unsweetened iced tea and its southern cousin, the diabetic-coma-inducing sweet tea. I have no problem saying "you people", "yous guys" and "y'all" with the best of 'em. Yes sir, I have the United Nations going on in my head and, I gotta to tell you, it's getting a little crowded in here...
Friday, March 28, 2008
Is Not Voting An Option?
Yesterday North Carolina was invaded by Hillary in one part of the state and Obama in another. Lots of handshaking, baby kissing, and promises that "public servants" make when they're not spending their own money. And as the election nears, the stench of these putrid promises will reach a level that not even a convention hall filled with air purifiers can remove. It is encouraging that there are voters who are not gullible enough to believe what candidates say. Unfortunately, they are not part of the half of voters plus one who put these bureaucrats in office. I'm thinking that maybe we shouldn't vote for politicians. It only seems to encourage them.
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