Thursday, November 29, 2007
Bein' Drugged in the South
Ever since the first caveman dragged his bride to their honeymoon suite of the moss and rocks, we've been plagued by what southerns 'round here refer to as a case of the "drugs." According to my neighbors, we was drug out of the womb so we's could be drugged into school after a spell. As we got a little age on us and depending upon the state weddin' laws, we's found ourselves being drug down the alter. After a few years of the ceremonial plate throwin' and learnin' each other's curse words, we'd find ourselves bein' drugged into divorce court. I don't know 'bout other parts of the country, but maybe a little drug rehab might be in order 'round here. Or at least some elocution lessons.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Blackmail Negotiations
So my company has been up for sale for a couple of years now. Upper management (UM for short) has been trying to work out a deal with the owners. Yet the owners made it clear that they want to sell it to any one but UM. I'm not sure why. While UM keeps offering more and more money, I think they need to throw in a few pictures of the owners at a hotel with sheep dressed in sexy corsets. Of course, we know such pictures would be discounted. The only way the owners would be in a hotel room is if they got the sheep to pay for it. (Maybe a famous sheep would. Maybe someone like Brittany Shears ...)
Actually, we think that the owners have a group of investors already. And what better, greedy method to over-inflate a price than by having two groups try to outbid each other. More to follow ...
Actually, we think that the owners have a group of investors already. And what better, greedy method to over-inflate a price than by having two groups try to outbid each other. More to follow ...
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Old Luggage
The strangest suit case was one that belong to a friend who traveled a lot. His grandparents had given it to him as a gift -- sort of a family heirloom. Or I should say, a family hair loom. The outside of this case was completely covered by the tightly woven hair of some unknown animal. I can't help but think that this antiquated luggage must have been a Samson --- a precursor to the Samsonite brand. This is because my friend tried to trim out the case's knots and the trash that had become embedded from the miles of travel. But by losing its hair, his suitcase also lost its strength. During his very next trip, he found his belongings strewn about the conveyor belt at airports luggage pickup. I understand that it was a very biblical ...
To any single ladies out there, I know of a guy who has less baggage now.
To any single ladies out there, I know of a guy who has less baggage now.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Age Is Just A Number
Last Sunday, George Bush Sr. celebrated his 83rd birthday by jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Of course, he skydived only after his doctors gave him a clean bill of health. As these doctors then gave taxpayers a clean yet padded bill, they were overheard saying, "He's going to wet himself anyway. He might as well have some fun while doing so."So Happy Birthday, George! We're glad that you made it safely to Earth. Now if we could only get your son's head out of the clouds ...
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Do you like BBQ?
I've gotten some encouraging comments on how I can take keywords and move my reader to unexpected places. One of my fellow bloggers complained that she was having trouble with the words "Billet Grille". So I suggested that she write a piece about how her daughter wanted to become Australian for a day. Her darling offspring took her favorite doll, placed it on the billet grille and then asked her mother for some shrimp. After all, to be Australian, you have to cook shrimp on the Barbie. I never did hear back from my friend about my suggestion. I can only guess that she's not a big barbie-cue fan.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Newsflash: Curvy Women Have Higher IQs
According the Sunday Times of London, scientists at the Universities of Pittsburgh and California, Santa Barbara studied the figures of 16,000 women. (The wives of these scientists weren't too happy about it, but what are you going to do. It's all in the name of research, right?) They discovered that the bigger a woman's hips were in proportion to her waist, the higher her IQ and that of her children. Curvier women are smarter? Who knew! At first, I thought "Yeah but watch what happens when you toss a few diamond rings at them." But that was a dumb thought. Actually, being curvy doesn't make a woman stupid, just us men. Viva, la difference!
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Another Summer Dream Gone
Shorter and cooler days are here. Not cooler in the sense of groovy, far out, and hip. Cooler as in "what happened to my summer?!" Earlier in this year, I had dreams of relaxing in a hammock, a refreshing drink by my hand, and a 42 inch LCD TV locked on to a plasma mount that was attached to a heavenly shade tree. ::: sigh ::: Another dream bites the sand of time. Of course, with my luck, the TV would have broken loose from the tree, smacked me with enough force to flip me over in the hammock. The next thing I know, I would have been on the TV which would have broken my fall. On the plus side, I could have said that I was on TV ... flattened but on TV. OH well, not this year.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Tasty Relationships
There are some relationships that enhance your life and then there are those that bring you joy at a price ... like bacon. It has become a tough relationship since my doctor told me that I need to work on my high blood pressure. ::: sigh ::: Could I ever give up bacon's crispy kisses? What a sad world it would be. To me, the smell and the taste of cooked bacon makes it a close second to sex. Of course, if we're talking about thick slices of meat, then for some it may be a toss up between pork and porking. In any case, I have been a good boy and have cut way back on unhealthy foods. This was easy to do because my microwave rarely cooked bacon well. Often I ended up with a burnt offerings instead of a meal. I didn't worry about the grease too much. Most of it ended up coating the inside of my microwave. Do you know how difficult it is to lick the inside of your microwave?Anyway, all this changed a couple of days ago when I received a CrispyClean Bacon Cooker to review. This microwave bacon cooker makes it too easy to prepare six pieces of thick, juicy meat. The bacon cooks in a completely enclosed container, evenly and throughly. I didn't even have to use the smoke alarm as a timer! And, after I safely remove the cooker with its well designed handle, I had the best BLTs that I have had in a long time! Oh, sorry. Please excuse the drool.
So with this innovative device, the CrisplyClean Bacon Cooker has made it easy for me to get into an unhealthy, yet very tasty relationship. I'm so glad it's one that sizzles!
Sunday, November 04, 2007
The Magic of Three
The number Three is said to be mystical, magical and powerful: the father, son and holy ghost; the past, present, and future; animal, mineral, and vegetable; Larry, Curly, and Moe. What about that "cleaniness next to godliness" thing? Do you think lather, rinse, repeat is just a lucky coincidence?
Well, as of today, all three of my blogs have a page ranking of ... THREE! OOOOOO, spooky! With all the wailing and gnashing of keystrokes about Google's PR ransacking of blogs, I did ok. Two of my blogs dropped from 4 and my newest blog has gone from 0 to 3.
So what does the mean for me? Not a thing. I'll write in the hopes that you enjoy what you read. Comments, of course, are always welcome ... especially in threes!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Halloween Prankster
I have a good friend who loves to play practical jokes. Sometimes he'll come up with ideas on the spur of the moment and act on them instantly. Take last Halloween for example.
He had stopped to check on his mail which is in one of those large cbu mailboxes that you find outside of apartment complexes. He had pulled up just as the mailman was filing the letters through the back side of that postal retainer. Not wanting to pass up an opportunity for a prank, my friend grabbed one of the props for his evening costume out of his car and quietly opened his mailbox. After a little preparation, he then gave a terrifying scream and thrust a fake bloody hand with severed fingers through the box and out the other side where the unsuspecting postman worked. My mischievous buddy said he then heard a responding cry of terror and the fluttering sound of letters being scattered in the air. When this prankster raced around to the back of the mailbox, he found the mailman sitting 10 feet back, clutching his chest with letters scattered around him. The startled letter carrier told my friend that it would probably be a good time for my friend to leave before the postal worker got to his shaky feet.
Of course, our actions aren't without consequences. Shortly after this little prank, my friend noticed a very nasty odor in his mailbox, usually coming from junk mail. I'd like to say that was the end of his practical jokes. But that would be wishful thinking.
He had stopped to check on his mail which is in one of those large cbu mailboxes that you find outside of apartment complexes. He had pulled up just as the mailman was filing the letters through the back side of that postal retainer. Not wanting to pass up an opportunity for a prank, my friend grabbed one of the props for his evening costume out of his car and quietly opened his mailbox. After a little preparation, he then gave a terrifying scream and thrust a fake bloody hand with severed fingers through the box and out the other side where the unsuspecting postman worked. My mischievous buddy said he then heard a responding cry of terror and the fluttering sound of letters being scattered in the air. When this prankster raced around to the back of the mailbox, he found the mailman sitting 10 feet back, clutching his chest with letters scattered around him. The startled letter carrier told my friend that it would probably be a good time for my friend to leave before the postal worker got to his shaky feet.
Of course, our actions aren't without consequences. Shortly after this little prank, my friend noticed a very nasty odor in his mailbox, usually coming from junk mail. I'd like to say that was the end of his practical jokes. But that would be wishful thinking.
SEMA 2007
Las Vegas hosts several trade shows throughout the year. One that is related to the automotive aftermarket arena is the SEMA (Specialty Equipment Market Association) show. Even though I have worked as an engineer for an automotive company for over 15 years, I have yet to go to this annual event. At one time, my company was chock-full of enthusiasm, the spirit of innovation, the possibility of a rewarding future, and engineers. During those exciting times, upper management deemed it vital that members of engineering investigate upcoming technology. Research and Development was important to the powers-that-be for future revenue. When everyone returned from this important show, we came up with a lot of profitable products for the company. Of course, from the stories that I heard, not a lot of time was spent sleeping in those Vegas hotels in pursuit of R&D ... and other things.
Ah, good times. Here we are today where greedy owners who are closing in on retirement have stripped the company for immediate profits. The engineering staff is down to a tenth of what it once was. There is no R&D at our company anymore. Engineer has become as most positions in the plant have become -- a necessary evil. The only innovative work that I'm doing now is a redesign of all our production testers from their dying 386, DOS platforms to XP-based systems. This year, only the sales department and, naturally, upper management will be making the pilgrimage to SEMA to peddle our almost obsolete technology.
While moral is at an all time low, we still have a flicker of hope. We all dream that someone will buy the company soon and return us to our productive, happy selves once again. Maybe then, we can return to SEMA as a major factor in the industry.
Ah, good times. Here we are today where greedy owners who are closing in on retirement have stripped the company for immediate profits. The engineering staff is down to a tenth of what it once was. There is no R&D at our company anymore. Engineer has become as most positions in the plant have become -- a necessary evil. The only innovative work that I'm doing now is a redesign of all our production testers from their dying 386, DOS platforms to XP-based systems. This year, only the sales department and, naturally, upper management will be making the pilgrimage to SEMA to peddle our almost obsolete technology.
While moral is at an all time low, we still have a flicker of hope. We all dream that someone will buy the company soon and return us to our productive, happy selves once again. Maybe then, we can return to SEMA as a major factor in the industry.
Monday, October 29, 2007
My Halloween Costume?
This year, I being goaded into donning a Halloween costume. I'm being told that it needs to be outrageous and unforgettable. Hmmm. I have given thought about one costume in particular. Now that I'm getting older, the 'don't-care-what-others-think' mindset is getting strong so I'm not as shy as I used to be. So perhaps I could ... take all my clothes off, put on roller skates and going as pull-toy. Shocking? Outrageous? Could be. Could be. As they say in England, "Everyone needs a good Yank now and then!" Unfortunately, Halloween night is supposed to be in the upper 30s. Severe shrinkage may be a factor and my 'pull string' might turn into a man-gina. Unforgettable? Yeah, it would be...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Alcohol And Math
I have a friend who is a mathematician. Yet for such a smart guy, he tends to drink quite a bit. Actually, he only drinks on two occasions -- when he is thirsty and when he isn't.
My computating friend does realize that he has a problem. But instead of checking into one of those alcohol rehabs, he decided to sign up with Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not sure why. I can tell that he isn't enthusiastic about the group. Instead of going to the meetings, he just sends in his empty bottles.
I can say that he has taught me a few things. For example, I now know that alcohol and calculus do not mix. So please always remember that old saying: "never drink and derive."
My computating friend does realize that he has a problem. But instead of checking into one of those alcohol rehabs, he decided to sign up with Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not sure why. I can tell that he isn't enthusiastic about the group. Instead of going to the meetings, he just sends in his empty bottles.
I can say that he has taught me a few things. For example, I now know that alcohol and calculus do not mix. So please always remember that old saying: "never drink and derive."
What's The Appeal of Scottsdale?
Scottsdale, Arizona must be quite a place. I have made friends with people who move from Scottsdale to North Carolina. After a year or two, they felt that they just had to move back. I've had other friends who went for a visit to Scottsdale. They love the area so much, they scouted the Scottsdale real estate, quickly located a home and a job, and never returned. I don't know what the appeal is ... but I'd like to find out!
I've Been Hacked?
Last week when I signed onto Yahoo to check my mail, I had a couple of instant messages from people I didn't know. The message would say something like, "Hey, remember me? It's been a long time. Check at my pictures here." I've been working with computers and security long enough to know not to click on any suspicious links. How they got my name, I don't know. But I thought those stupid IM were the extent of the hacking.
Yesterday morning, a friend of mine asked me about an IM that I sent her about a lnk to Geocities. I didn't send any IM. Last night, my girlfriend asked me about a similar instant message that she received from me. Again, I never sent any message. Great! Someone is using my name and sending bogus messages.
I've since scanned my work and home computers but they were clean. I've also changed my password to my yahoo account and will be probably do so daily for the next few days. Has anyone else received a falsified IM claiming to be from me? It's times like these that I hate the Internet...
Yesterday morning, a friend of mine asked me about an IM that I sent her about a lnk to Geocities. I didn't send any IM. Last night, my girlfriend asked me about a similar instant message that she received from me. Again, I never sent any message. Great! Someone is using my name and sending bogus messages.
I've since scanned my work and home computers but they were clean. I've also changed my password to my yahoo account and will be probably do so daily for the next few days. Has anyone else received a falsified IM claiming to be from me? It's times like these that I hate the Internet...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Better Fund Raiser Ideas?
How effective are fund raisers? They might raise money but they definitely raise the blood pressure of everyone involved with tickets, merchandise and whatnot. The entire event always seems to take the 'fun' out of 'fund raiser'.
To lessen the painful process this year, my friend's daughter and members of her marching band brainstormed ideas to earn money in a more pleasant fashion. I can't reveal too many details about the winning idea because I'm sworn to secrecy until they launch their attack ... um, I mean, until they start their fund raiser. I can say that they have a unique ticket design which involves weaving the wicks from candles into small mats. With the onset of Halloween, they call these mats their 'Wicked tickets'. The prize? I can't tell you. The method? Again, I can't say until after this begins. But if all goes well, I know one marching band who will earn lots of money without raising any bad feelings.
To lessen the painful process this year, my friend's daughter and members of her marching band brainstormed ideas to earn money in a more pleasant fashion. I can't reveal too many details about the winning idea because I'm sworn to secrecy until they launch their attack ... um, I mean, until they start their fund raiser. I can say that they have a unique ticket design which involves weaving the wicks from candles into small mats. With the onset of Halloween, they call these mats their 'Wicked tickets'. The prize? I can't tell you. The method? Again, I can't say until after this begins. But if all goes well, I know one marching band who will earn lots of money without raising any bad feelings.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Great Must-Have Video
Attention! Act in the next fifteen minutes and we will send you this action packed video of the greatest Rock and Roll bloopers of all times. Watch Aerosmith do the same song five times in a row without any one noticing. See that famous moment in television history when Keith Richards accepts his posthumous award ... in person! See Mick Jagger trip on his lip and break a hip. Watch Eddie Van Halen get his fingers wrapped arpeggio style in his guitar strings. All this and much, much more.
That's right, folks, this is the ultimate in rock-n-roll bloopers! When you see these rock tumblers and bunglers, you will roll with laughter. So call now, operators are standing by (because we don't have chair for them).
That's right, folks, this is the ultimate in rock-n-roll bloopers! When you see these rock tumblers and bunglers, you will roll with laughter. So call now, operators are standing by (because we don't have chair for them).
Friday, October 19, 2007
Can Sony Help Its Video Market Share?
The good news: Sony has dropped the price of its 80 gigabyte Playstation 3 by a hundred dollars to $499.
The maybe-bad/maybe-good news: Sony is discontinuing its PSP3 model that had a 60-gigabyte hard drive and also sold for $499.
The good news: In November, Sony will be introducing a new PSP3 model with a 40-gigabyte drive for $399.
The bad news: This new low end model won't play any of the Playstation 2 games as the costlier model does. Would you spend an extra $100 to double your drive space and have backwards compatibility with older games? I know a lot of gamers who say yes.
More bad news: Playstation is still the most expensive game system on the market!
For comparison, we have Microsoft Corp.'s Xbox 360 at $350 and Nintendo's Wii at $250. Is it any wonder that the Wii has sold over 9 million system while PSP3 has only sold 5 million?
I have a idea for Sony. It's all about the marketing. Look at Nintendo. One reason for the Wii's popularity are the games that involve physical exertion. All Sony needs to do is jump on the health fitness craze and throw in some exercise equipment. Either physical games or just have the PSP work only if the equipment is being used.
The good news: You get more for your money AND get into top Sony-fied shape.
The bad news: That's all the good news that I have for today....
The maybe-bad/maybe-good news: Sony is discontinuing its PSP3 model that had a 60-gigabyte hard drive and also sold for $499.
The good news: In November, Sony will be introducing a new PSP3 model with a 40-gigabyte drive for $399.
The bad news: This new low end model won't play any of the Playstation 2 games as the costlier model does. Would you spend an extra $100 to double your drive space and have backwards compatibility with older games? I know a lot of gamers who say yes.
More bad news: Playstation is still the most expensive game system on the market!
For comparison, we have Microsoft Corp.'s Xbox 360 at $350 and Nintendo's Wii at $250. Is it any wonder that the Wii has sold over 9 million system while PSP3 has only sold 5 million?
I have a idea for Sony. It's all about the marketing. Look at Nintendo. One reason for the Wii's popularity are the games that involve physical exertion. All Sony needs to do is jump on the health fitness craze and throw in some exercise equipment. Either physical games or just have the PSP work only if the equipment is being used.
The good news: You get more for your money AND get into top Sony-fied shape.
The bad news: That's all the good news that I have for today....
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Park And Cover
When King Solomon wrote that there is a time and place for everything under the sun, he apparently never tried to park a car. Even if you have the good fortune to find a parking space, you have to contend with either lawless thieves breaking into your car or lawful thieves removing your ride because you didn't pay enough extortion at the parking meter.
Have you ever seen the car commercial where a guy has his new, expensive vehicle hidden in a car cover that looks like a junked automobile? I have yet to find anyone that makes those type of car covers. I had thought about a camouflage cover that makes your car blend into the road. But I realized that would lead to double parking -- when someone parks their car on top of yours. Oh well! As Shakespeare once said, "Farewell! Farewell! Parking is such sweet sorrow."
Have you ever seen the car commercial where a guy has his new, expensive vehicle hidden in a car cover that looks like a junked automobile? I have yet to find anyone that makes those type of car covers. I had thought about a camouflage cover that makes your car blend into the road. But I realized that would lead to double parking -- when someone parks their car on top of yours. Oh well! As Shakespeare once said, "Farewell! Farewell! Parking is such sweet sorrow."
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