TED Spread said "I tried to warn you!"

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Have you ever heard of the TED spread? No, it's nothing pornographic or a reference to one of Congressman Barney Frank's special friends. In the futures trading arena, you monitor the difference between the interest rate on US Treasuries contracts (T-bills) and the London Inter Bank Offered Rate (LIBOR). This gives you an idea of how risky credit is in the general economy. T-bills are the risk-free standard while LIBOR relates to the credit risk of lending to commercial banks. The difference between the two rates is known as the TED spread (T-bills + EuroDollar futures contract). The greater the difference, the greater the belief that bank loans have become a riskier undertaking.

The TED spread had historically fluctuated between 0.1% and 0.5%. In 2007, it jumped to almost 2%. Last week while Congressman Frank reported that they had no warning about the impending financial meltdown, TED skyrocketed over 3.5%. Apparently, Mr. Frank forgot his participation in 2003 and 2004 congressional hearings on impending crisis situations with Fannie Mae and the banking industry. His take back then? "Crisis, there's no crisis" as he fought Republican attempts to impose more regulations on Fannie Mae.

Anyway, as I promised, the TED spread is nothing pornographic. The obscenity lies with those politicians who purposely ignore or, worse yet, seek profit from misfortune that falls on the rest of us.

In The End, I Saw The Rider On A Terrible Horse. His name was "Insurance Salesman"

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So ... people are worried that banks are going to stop lending them the money that these same people put in banks in the first place. Or so the news constantly reminds us lately. On this scary but unsubstantiated tidbit of information, investors are selling their stocks to put the money under the mattress and in jars that will be buried in the backyard. The only investment vehicle that looks good for a change is whole life insurance. Apparently, all this doom-and-gloom, end-of-the-world news has caused the demand for life insurance quotes to skyrocket. Insurance salesmen (and women) have been moved from the ranks of the Maytag repairmen into people in demand. Maybe this is the sign of the end times. I imagine we can expect reports of frosty weather descending upon the netherworld any day now.

How To Move Out Without Moving

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For several months now, my neighbor and his wife of many years have been arguing loudly. It's been so bad that guys driving cars with those oversized bass sound systems have been complaining.

This all changed last week when I saw one of those moving pods sitting in his front yard. My first thought was that they were getting a divorce and he was moving out. But I was mistaken. The reason he had been moving furniture and an entertainment system into it was because he had created his very own man cave. When things get a little intense with the misses, he simply retreats in his mini-abode that is complete with a refrigerator and soundproof walls.

He seems quite happy about his little getaway. I asked him if he was worried about the weather. But he contends that, when tethered to the ground, the pod will ride out a hurricane or several friends who have recently consumed his world-famous chili, cheese and beer bean casserole.

This seems like a great idea. Although I am waiting for them to have that ultimate fight. Afterwards, she waits until he falls asleep in his pod and has him shipped to the Antarctic.

Fighting Terrorism With Car Insurance

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Since the 9/11 attacks, it seems that personal privacy is fair game for businesses now. A few years ago, getting a car insurance quote was not a big deal, especially if you had a clean driving record. Now, it's not how well you drive but how well you live your life.

It's all about the background checks. Do you have less-than-perfect credit because of how you control your money? Well, obviously you can't control the gas and brake pedals very well either. Your dedicated insurance company will have to adjust your payments accordingly. Do you have a ticket for jay-walking? Well, if you can't move your legs properly to steer your body, how can you move your arms to steer your car? Another payment adjustment. Even if you have a spotless record, you're probably hiding some secret, un-America thought that makes you a hazard on the road -- that's the surcharge on your bill that your agent can't explain but 'has to be there'.

I don't know if the terrorists won. But I bet they're the ones driving without insurance...

Where Are the Prius Parts?

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Everything had finally come together for the cruise kit that we developed for the 2008 and 2009 Toyota Prius. Then on Tuesday, we get a call from the Port-of-Entry in Florida. Toyota has begun mid-year change on the 2009 Prius. A vital connector now won't mate with the brake switch in our kit.

So we've been scrambling to find the latest switch which is made in Italy. Oh sure, we have no problem locating Ferrari parts. After all, almost everyone I know is driving 599 GTB Fiorano. But parts for the Prius seem to be rarer than beef at a vegetarian convention.

The Port has come up with a method of splicing our switch into the 2009 harness in order to get the cars to the dealers. My company has some serious reservation about the safety of their method. Hopefully, tomorrow will find that reasonably thinking with prevail over greed so that we can develop a better fix for this crisis.

What Happened to Zeno?

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You might not know Zeno of Elea. I don't personally. He lived 2500 years ago and I wasn't around then (contrary to popular belief). We can thank him for inventing the constructive style of point-counterpoint arguments (which isn't to be confused with the hot air style of political debates), for creating the foundation of modern logic (rarely found in use by bureaucrats) and for paradoxes (a required characteristic of any elected official).

While Zeno's contributions seem to missing in government, business has at least made use of his name. Yet, it is beyond me why the name of a man important to the development of human intellect became Zeno, a questionable acne treatment. That's not a paradox. That's an absurdity.

When Gift Giving Goes Bad

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Since we develop cruise controls, we need access to the latest car models as soon as they enter the market. So my company has to maintain good relationships with various car dealerships in the area. Whenever a dealership gets a new manager, our application team will pay a visit and take a few promotional products -- golf balls, golf tees, and a large-sized T-shirt with the company's logo -- as a gesture of goodwill.

After this last goodwill mission, our team might start doing a little reconnaissance before handing out those goodies. Last week, when they visited a dealership, they met the new manager -- a 350-pound man who is confined to a wheelchair. This manager looked at the T-shirt could only fit his arm and the supplies for a sport he never plays. Without smiling, he said, "Thanks, guys. I'm going to make good use of these."

And so begins which should be a very interesting relationship...

Sitemeter.com down?

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I can't log into Sitemeter.com to check my stats or even report a problem. Is anyone else having this problem?

What Do You Do For Your Pet?

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Some people go overboard in what they will do and buy for their precious pets. I know that you've seen toothpaste with whiteners to give dogs that dazzling snarl and minty fresh breath. Keep in mind, this product is for animals who also lick their behind. There's also wax for turtles which, oddly enough, can only be found in automotive stores. Apparently this is for the fast-and-the-furious turtles. And let's not forget snake oil products for your squeaky snake.

Fortunately, pet owners have not gone completely overboard with undying love for their animal companions. We have yet to see a chic Jeri curl spray for gerbils, holistic hemorrhoid treatments for halibuts (named Eric), or the best acne treatments for hairless cats. But don't be surprised when you do find these items in your local pet shop.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am very fond of several kinds of animals. I frequently dote on them with my favorite animal accessory -- gravy.

I Know Who You're Going To Vote For ...

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On one side of the political spectrum, you have a African American and a Catholic. On the other side, you have an advanced AARP member and a Alaskan American woman. It's a battle of the minority groups, folks! So what is a white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant man going to do? I don't know. Not only am I not a W.A.S.P., none of this really applies to me. No matter how hard both parties make this election about looks, family history, genetic tans, and religious beliefs, this process is about deeds -- what these people have and have not done as politicians. That's what really matters and affects me ... and you!

Actually your election choice could be quite simple. [read more...]

Looking Out For My Girlfriend's Best Interests

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There they are: shiny, perfect $3000 pearls from exotic Tahiti. Yeah, I would love to give this exquisite jewelry to my girlfriend. But she would probably pass out from the shock of receiving such a gift. We can't have that happen. Above all things, I need to watch out for her well being! She has enough trauma in her life. And who am I to cast Tahitian pearls before swoon? So, I must spare her this risk of fainting and forgo buying such breath-taking pearls.

No need to thank me. That's the kind of boyfriend I am.

How 'Stars' Keep Their Face In Front of You

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It seems like it has been several years since I've heard anything almost resembling music from Jessica Simpson. Normally, when those claiming to be artists don't come out with something new every few months (or with someone else's material rehashed), they tend to fade from view. But not Jessica. Every Saturday, I turn on my TV and there she is pimping Proactiv acne cream. I guess if your looks can sell your warblings, perhaps they can also sell acne medicines too. Either way, you're guaranteed a paycheck for a little while longer.

Drumming To Remove Weight

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I just learned that rock drummers are as physically fit as top athletes. Good news, right? Definitely additional motivation for me to get back into playing and into shape. Heaven knows (as most of my friends do) that I need some exercise. I was planning to take the lazy route and arm curl weight loss pills into my mouth. But I can tell you that playing the drums is a lot more fun.

I could combine weight loss pills and drumming. But how well would that really help my physique? After all, those thinning tablets are too small to hit effectively with a stick. And even with a handful of dieting capsules, I couldn't play any songs longer than a few seconds as I bounce them off the drum heads -- unless I was talented enough and quick enough to catch the pills on the rebound. Given my current coordination, I would probably end up catching a pellet or two with my eye. Of course, if I couldn't see how fat I was getting ... hmmmmmmm

What to Get My Ex For Her Birthday?

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In spite of my former spouse's shenanigans -- her childish actions and inactions -- I think that I've done a pretty good job of not conveying my frustrations with her. Our children think that I've been too civil with her. Maybe they are right.

She has a birthday coming up. Since it is August, I am tempted to send her a pile of snow along with a note, "Do you get my drift, you flake? I just wanted to remind you how your selfishness melted away a good thing."

Bitter? Oh no, I'm not bitter! Well, perhaps a tad so. It's just troubling that, 30 months after the divorce decree, she is still interfering with my life and my finances. I am so disappointed that this 53 year-old won't tend to her responsibilities. When I first married her, I thought that we would grow old together. I didn't know that I would be spending much of our marriage trying to help her grow up. Now that we are divorced, all I can do is wait and hope...

Thieves in High Places

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Two weeks ago, thieves broke into my shed and stole my lawn mower. No problem, I have my homeowners insurance. Yet, after paying 20 years into that policy, I learned that I have a $250 deductible to meet before those scam artists will pay for a new mower. Great!

So now I've got to do something about my flourishing weeds before the town's lawn police extort more money from me. I think my best shot is to classify my yard as a very special Garden. I'll set up several lawn gnomes and toilet planters as part of my garden decor. Then I can dare the town to infringe upon my artistic rights and my anti-discrimination policy towards weeds. Nah, between the illegal thieves and the legal ones, I don't have a chance.

Just tryin' to help a friend out

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A friend of mine wants to start an outdoor furniture business. For some reason, she wasn't too keen on my thoughts. I wonder why....? hee hee hee :D

Little Known Moments In History

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In the early days of photography, only the rich and the very vain would do everything they could to have their picture taken. It isn't widely known that Napoleonic Armies of France made use of this human flaw as they invaded Austria.

For several days, a French general worked hard to overtake a strategic Austrian castle. When he learned that the Baron of the castle was an extremely vain man, the General sent word to the Baron that he was giving up his attack but wanted to take a photograph of the man he considered to be his superior. Knowing how good this would look in the history books, the Baron eagerly agreed. The French general also knew that the Baron wasn't the brightest sausage in the link. So this brilliant solder of Napoleon disguised a canon with a curtain to look like a very expensive camera set up. You know the results. The Baron posed. The French general said "Smile big for me!" and lit the fuse. The Baron was blown away by the skill of the invading photographer. And the French showed off their newly acquired castle in a series 8-by-10 glossies.

There have been many battles throughout the history of the world. But this moment marked the first use of the Canon camera.

Happy Quinceanera To You, Happy Quinceanera To You,

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With my Jewish friends, I've been privy to their children's bar mitzvahs. My rich friends celebrate the coming-of-age of their daughters' with debutante balls. And now my cultural world has been expanded once more as one of my Mexican friends sent out Quinceanera invitations for his daughter's upcoming 15th birthday. It seems that the Quinceanera is like a bar mitzvah or a debutante ball except that everyone speaks Spanish. As globalization reaches the level of families, would the ideal birthday then be that of a teenaged, Jewish girl who has rich, Mexican parents?

The Mouth-watering Elements of Comedy

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I've been trying to figure out what makes a joke funny. Not the pie-in-the-face gag but the written or spoken jokes. I've noticed there seems to be at least six common elements. And just like cake recipes, if you skip any of these comedic ingredients or get them in the wrong proportion, your potentially delicious banter becomes a very distasteful disaster.

First of all, you begin with a tasty target. Any person, place, thing, or even an abstract concept will do. Don't worry about freshness. Many successful comedians have built their careers on old jokes.

Next, add hostility -- a pinch of anger or barrel full of frustration depending on your love of your target. Of course, be careful! If you don't use the remaining four comedy essences, you risk getting a punch in the nose instead of a laugh. That's why boxers are rarely funny -- just don't say that to their face.

So, to avoid bodily harm to ourselves, not only should we avoid taunting boxers but we need to mix in a little realism and a fisherman's-tale size of exaggeration. Realism because comedy usually comes from pain. And there's nothing more painful than the truth. Unless it's an IRS audit. But we're talking about comedy here, not torture. Exaggeration is an essential part because it's the unlikely aspect of our target that tickles our audience. But that's something you've probably heard a billion times already.

Finally, we have to cook the emotions of our audience. We have to build their suspense. Our joke has to tease until our jokees are ready to explode. Then, when the timing is right, we prick their soufflé of anticipation with the pointy end of surprise. If done correctly, you shall experience the sweet laughter that rivals a hot, baked Alaska (dessert, not the state).

So there you have it: target, hostility, realism, exaggeration, emotions, and surprise. Warning, if you get a great reputation for cooking up all these ingredients into tasty treats, you might end up with a lot of dough in your pockets.

Phenter's Love

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My friend's name is Fenter. Being that it's the hip, groovy, neat-o and whacky cool thing to misspell words these days, he spells his name, Phenter. He used to be the kind of guy that was always gloomy and depressing to be around. But now that he has fallen madly in love with a little lady from Japan, life is good for him. Very good. It doesn't matter that her English is not the best. They have no problem communicating with each other through that universal language of adoration and affection. And if Phenter is happy, we all are happy.

The other day, we teased her about being just what the doctor ordered for Phenter and that maybe his heart might belong to another. She just laughed and said, "Oh no, Phentermine no prescription necessary!"


[Yes, I know it should read "Phenter mine, no prescription necessary" but I have work with what I'm assigned. Still, the joke works, yes?]