So last month, my company's insurance company, CIGNA, called me and said that I should get a blood test done. My doctor tells me it's a good idea. Since he can't do blood test in his office, he sends me across the street to the hospital to have the work done. Not a problem, CIGNA covers 80% of the cost of my doctor visits.
A couple of days ago, I get a bill from the hospital (because my insurance had paid its part) for $502. No, this is not my 20% charge for the visit. It seems my insurance company does not like hospital visits. And no one, not my work, not CIGNA, not my doctor, informed me that I would charge the full amount for that fateful walk across the street. When I spoke with our human resource director, Ms. Catbert, she said she wasn't going to do anything about it. But that was no surprise. So I called CIGNA who said they will send me paperwork to begin a review of the claim.
Wonderful. Even though part of the blood work was for a PSA test (check for prostate cancer), I can hear the playful snap of exam gloves being put on by the hospital and the insurance company as they bend me over to see who's going to make me pay. Maybe this will work out and the insurance will do their job. But I can't hold my breath over this. I'm afraid that if any damage results, I won't be covered.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Silk As Weapon of Mass Destruction
It seems like our government has invaded every aspect of our bedroom. Still, with all the concerns for morality and safety, they have yet to touch on that one key element that can be a matter of life or death, between a good night's rest or a tragic accident. Yes, I'm talking about silk bedding. There's nothing like the coolness of the fabric against your skin. There is nothing so heavenly as the silky-smooth, effortless movement experienced in such a bed. Yet, for all its beauty and seductive appeal, it is a terror just waiting for the right moment.
I discovered this all too well when I got a set for my water bed. All squeaky clean and dried from a recent shower, I dashed nakedly in between the covers only to learn that there is very little friction between silk and skin. I zoomed in one end of the bed and ended up airborne on the other side. It would've been a great ride had bedroom wall not been silently standing two feet from my exit point. The only thing slicker and more dangerous is if you attempt the same movement while wearing silk pajamas. Not only is there no friction but I believe that there is a scientific principle that describes how silk-on-silk will actually add more momentum to an object in motion. In fact, right now as we speak, scientists are feverishly working on a perpetual motion machine based on this silk-on-silk phenomenon.
The last thing I want is for government to outlaw silk bedding. At the same time, I don't want any close friends or distant strangers to end up putting their heads through their bedroom walls after achieving escape velocity in the confines of their bedroom. Perhaps this is our answer to the current war. Perhaps we should make gifts of the finest silks pajamas and bedding to the members of Al Qaeda. What better way to hasten their goal of obtaining their heavenly reward of 40 virgins ...
I discovered this all too well when I got a set for my water bed. All squeaky clean and dried from a recent shower, I dashed nakedly in between the covers only to learn that there is very little friction between silk and skin. I zoomed in one end of the bed and ended up airborne on the other side. It would've been a great ride had bedroom wall not been silently standing two feet from my exit point. The only thing slicker and more dangerous is if you attempt the same movement while wearing silk pajamas. Not only is there no friction but I believe that there is a scientific principle that describes how silk-on-silk will actually add more momentum to an object in motion. In fact, right now as we speak, scientists are feverishly working on a perpetual motion machine based on this silk-on-silk phenomenon.
The last thing I want is for government to outlaw silk bedding. At the same time, I don't want any close friends or distant strangers to end up putting their heads through their bedroom walls after achieving escape velocity in the confines of their bedroom. Perhaps this is our answer to the current war. Perhaps we should make gifts of the finest silks pajamas and bedding to the members of Al Qaeda. What better way to hasten their goal of obtaining their heavenly reward of 40 virgins ...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Coffee Forgiveness
Apparently some of you were a tad upset by an earlier post where I talked about "Blessed are the >coffee makers." So before anyone calls for Christian version of the Jihad, let me filter your anger. Before you bite off my head in a decaffeination attempt, please know that I meant no offense as I tried to espresso myself. While I don't know what stirred your feelings and got you tea-ed off, I suspect that my thoughts hadn't percolated as well as I intended. My heart sanka as I read your emails. I didn't mean to come across as such a caf-fiend. So before you cream me, please understand that I'm only a human bean. Perhaps a little ungrounded and a bit of a drip, but there are times when I can be very robust and full flavored. All I can ask is that you give me a couple of lumps of your sugary love until my cup runneth over. Thank you.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Merry Christmas! It's An Election Year!
You can always tell when it's election year. Suddenly every candidate is very generous with what they want to do for you if elected. Now, I agree that it is wonderful that they want to do noble deeds for all of us. It's just discouraging when they approach every problem with an open wallet -- ours! At times it's kind of like feeling compassion and happiness when the neighborhood drunk turns himself in for drug rehab. But all that quickly becomes tainted when you discover you've got to foot the bill at the expense of your family's own needs. Of course, a great politician makes sure that you don't know about the bill. What's the difference between Mafia and government? The Mafia can't pass laws to make their actions legal.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Are You A Semi-Colon?
Have you ever had one of those bosses who barely knows how you do your job and yet has no problem giving you advice on how to do your work? Last week, I was trying to reverse-engineer some code written by another employee. I believe his official title now is "former employee" because he got tired of the VP of engineering, who isn't a programmer, telling him how to program. That led to a confrontation between the two which resulted in the VP downsizing my fellow programmer into his new title.
Unfortunately, "former employee" didn't believe in documenting his work very well. So as I was paper deep in my diagrams and his code, praising his work in that universal programming language known as Profanity, who should appear at my back but our friendly and ever so helpful VP. "There is an awful lot of those semicolons in that code," he remarked. "You should give some thought to removing as many of those as you can. Sort of a really good colon cleanse." Then he gave his extremely annoying "I made a funny because I'm superior" toothy laugh. So I said "A really good colon cleanse will be when you leave the company."... to myself. Out loud, I answered "Yes, sir." He walked away with that smug look that he had saved the company and justified his exorbitant paycheck once again. As for me, I'm going to keep the semicolons in place. Not just because the program won't run without them... they do serve a purpose in life unlike some people. No, every time I begin to feel a little superior, I want them to remind me of that part of the human anatomy that I do not want to become to the good people around me.
Unfortunately, "former employee" didn't believe in documenting his work very well. So as I was paper deep in my diagrams and his code, praising his work in that universal programming language known as Profanity, who should appear at my back but our friendly and ever so helpful VP. "There is an awful lot of those semicolons in that code," he remarked. "You should give some thought to removing as many of those as you can. Sort of a really good colon cleanse." Then he gave his extremely annoying "I made a funny because I'm superior" toothy laugh. So I said "A really good colon cleanse will be when you leave the company."... to myself. Out loud, I answered "Yes, sir." He walked away with that smug look that he had saved the company and justified his exorbitant paycheck once again. As for me, I'm going to keep the semicolons in place. Not just because the program won't run without them... they do serve a purpose in life unlike some people. No, every time I begin to feel a little superior, I want them to remind me of that part of the human anatomy that I do not want to become to the good people around me.
Monday, March 10, 2008
The Sound of One Phone Not Calling
Today was an unusually peaceful day at work. Usually when I'm deep into a critical project, I get to a point where my intense focus is about to be rewarded with a solution. Yet, somewhere, somehow, an alarm must go off in the plant. Next thing I know, I'm getting interrupted by the PA system calling me to the production floor to solve a problem or there is an urgent telephone call to deal with the latest managerial crisis. Sometimes I think there is a conspiracy to keep me from completing my appointed tasks.
Today was different -- no pages, no phone calls. The only thing that I noticed was a lot more face-to-face interaction. It almost made work feel quite... human. And then I picked up the phone and learned why everyone seemed more friendly today. Our 15 year old phone system had died. This antiquated marvel of technology (a marvel when it worked correctly), this vital contraption of small business phone systems, this amazing feat of engineering that is only a couple of steps above strings and tin cans has tolled its last bell.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. The last I heard was that they no longer made the integrated circuit that ran our phone system. As we speak, the countryside is being scoured, calls are being made (but not from our system) trying to locate an obsoleted replacement part. Will management loosen their tight purse strings for new equipment? Or will our next communications will be done through smoke signals? With all the smoke and mirrors that go on in this place, that shouldn't be a difficult scheme for them to implement.
Today was different -- no pages, no phone calls. The only thing that I noticed was a lot more face-to-face interaction. It almost made work feel quite... human. And then I picked up the phone and learned why everyone seemed more friendly today. Our 15 year old phone system had died. This antiquated marvel of technology (a marvel when it worked correctly), this vital contraption of small business phone systems, this amazing feat of engineering that is only a couple of steps above strings and tin cans has tolled its last bell.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. The last I heard was that they no longer made the integrated circuit that ran our phone system. As we speak, the countryside is being scoured, calls are being made (but not from our system) trying to locate an obsoleted replacement part. Will management loosen their tight purse strings for new equipment? Or will our next communications will be done through smoke signals? With all the smoke and mirrors that go on in this place, that shouldn't be a difficult scheme for them to implement.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
To Hear Or Not To Hear
Of all the high tech gadgets I'd like to have, I think one of those noise cancellation type Bose headphones would make my day. But no sooner would I get this convenience of modern technology, when it would be banned because of the idiotic actions of people weeding themselves from the gene pool.
You know as well as I do that there will be people jogging or riding on the street, be-bopping to the uninterrupted sounds of their favorite music, oblivious to the noises of traffic and people about them. "Watch out for that honking car behind you! Oh, too late..." And you know there will be people sitting in their office cubicle, serenading themselves to overcome the mindnumbing tasks in their dead-end jobs. This would be fine except when the fire alarm goes off. Or worse yet, when their boss tells them of yet another assignment and works away without waiting around for an acknowledgment.
Yes, there would be advantages. Imagine how relaxing it would be to fly in a plane and not hear the agonizing cries of babies, the yammering from the person sitting next to you, or the screams of passengers as your plane makes that unscheduled drive toward the earth. For you guys who are constantly badgered into going to yet another chick flick, that once dreaded movie can become a lot more interesting. Instead of watching two people gush about their undying love for each other, the leading man might say "Hasta la vista, Baby!" while his leading lady answers with a burp of bullets (naturally, your version will vary depending on which movie soundtrack you play in your headset. And you will have to have iron-man-like control over your reactions to the hysterical combination of her heart wrenching movie and your alternate soundtrack. If you don't, I believe my warning about Darwin-award type deaths will apply.)
So perhaps we should invest in a little noise canceling technology before they pry it from our cold, deaf ears. Why should we lose out because of a few inconsiderate instances of its use?
You know as well as I do that there will be people jogging or riding on the street, be-bopping to the uninterrupted sounds of their favorite music, oblivious to the noises of traffic and people about them. "Watch out for that honking car behind you! Oh, too late..." And you know there will be people sitting in their office cubicle, serenading themselves to overcome the mindnumbing tasks in their dead-end jobs. This would be fine except when the fire alarm goes off. Or worse yet, when their boss tells them of yet another assignment and works away without waiting around for an acknowledgment.
Yes, there would be advantages. Imagine how relaxing it would be to fly in a plane and not hear the agonizing cries of babies, the yammering from the person sitting next to you, or the screams of passengers as your plane makes that unscheduled drive toward the earth. For you guys who are constantly badgered into going to yet another chick flick, that once dreaded movie can become a lot more interesting. Instead of watching two people gush about their undying love for each other, the leading man might say "Hasta la vista, Baby!" while his leading lady answers with a burp of bullets (naturally, your version will vary depending on which movie soundtrack you play in your headset. And you will have to have iron-man-like control over your reactions to the hysterical combination of her heart wrenching movie and your alternate soundtrack. If you don't, I believe my warning about Darwin-award type deaths will apply.)
So perhaps we should invest in a little noise canceling technology before they pry it from our cold, deaf ears. Why should we lose out because of a few inconsiderate instances of its use?
Friday, March 07, 2008
Great Uncle or just "Pretty Good"?
My niece recently gave birth to her daughter. So now I'm a great uncle... well, lets say "pretty good" uncle and I'll work up from there. But I'm never going to achieve "great" status if I don't make the 900 mile journey and visit the new family. The only problem is the price of gas. So I've created a spreadsheet that lets me compare the cost of driving versus scoring one of those cheap flights. With my spreadsheet, I've done several what-if scenarios to find that break-even point between driving and flying. Now it's just a matter of finding the money and the time from of work.
Traffic Solutions
During tonight's heavy downpour, I drove through extremely heavy traffic in one town. A blind man with a cane could have seen better and traveled faster than I did. Since I work in the automotive industry, I know about the gadgets that could make that grueling drive home much easier. I also know how pricey these gadgets are. Not a problem. There are ways to make a system using the free resources on the Internet. The only obstacle is that Internet connection itself. If we lived in Europe, we could take advantage of their high speed cell phones. It's embarrassing how far behind we are in the United States in terms of cell phone technology. But even if we had the speed, we would still need a mobile router to boost the laughably weak phone signal that fills the air ... whenever cell phone companies graciously allow that signal into the air. If I had my laptop in my car, I could get real time weather and traffic updates. At first sign of a problem, I could reroute my long trip and quickly arrive in the comfy confines of my home. Oh well. Given my generous budget, I'm just going to have to rely on old-school technology -- my eyes and lots of patience.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Becoming A Really Grape Guy
Now I'm getting a little age on me, my tastes have become a little more sophisticated. I'm considering giving up the Thunderbird and the Ripple and joining a wine club. That's what sophisticated people do. If you've noticed, it's that sophisticated lot who tell you what wine to drink, when to drink it, where the grapes came from and who picked them. They're usually the ones who constantly say "a meal without a perfect wine is like a day without sunshine." Of course, I'm thinking that on a day without sunshine, you can still get drunk. I also have to wonder about a "meal with a perfect wine." Is there such thing as the perfect alcohol beverage for breakfast? If you're drinking wine for breakfast, you're already passed the point of caring how perfect that bottle of fermented grapes really is.
Maybe I'm just not that sophisticated. Maybe I will just buy a heavy stick and beat defenseless grapes into my very own juicy pulp -- my very own wine club. And each slaying with the club, I'll just be sure to extend my pinky finger to show that I've got class.
Maybe I'm just not that sophisticated. Maybe I will just buy a heavy stick and beat defenseless grapes into my very own juicy pulp -- my very own wine club. And each slaying with the club, I'll just be sure to extend my pinky finger to show that I've got class.
A Wrinkle In Time
I have been around several of my women friends for about 15 years now. As I listened to them chat the other day, I couldn't help but notice how their passions have changed over the years. At one time, they would get very excited over the latest fashion reviews. Now they get just as excited talking about the latest wrinkle cream reviews. In a way, it is a little bothersome. They're just as lovely now as they were when I first met them. Those invisible wrinkles that they are worried about are really a badge of mature beauty and sophistication. At least it is in my eyes. Besides, if that wrinkle cream can't turn a raisin back into a grape, then it's all a waste of money, isn't it?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Modern Day Drive-In Movie Theater
As I crested the hill in my car, I noticed a missing billboard that been there for 30 years. It wasn't the appearance of those beautiful trees that stood concealed all these years. No, it was the big, bright and flashy digital signage that now hid those wonders of nature. So eye-catching was this marvel of technology, that cars had pulled over to watch the images change. It's sort of like a modern day drive-in with a twist. Instead of the advertisements taking out the first 30 minutes of the movie, they now become the movie. It's an advertiser's dream. And the next time I go by this sign, I'm going to bring popcorn.
Fashion: In One Year And Out The Other
Bluefly advertises itself as "the ultimate hook-up for fashion obsessed." There are even Bluefly coupons to help feed that obsession. I may be fixated with a lot of things but fashion isn't one of them. When someone says that burnt orange is the new black for the season, I almost want to whack them with a color chart. For me, it would be a big help if they would put expiration dates on clothes so I would know when they go out of style.
I guess that's the difference between fashion and style; fashions fade away while style lasts forever. As Gore Vidal once said, "Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn." So far, I have one of the three and it's not the first two ...
I guess that's the difference between fashion and style; fashions fade away while style lasts forever. As Gore Vidal once said, "Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn." So far, I have one of the three and it's not the first two ...
Friday, February 22, 2008
"The Airport Was So Small That..."
My friend just returned from a nightmarish business trip. If they had travel insurance for such trips, our friend would be a very rich man right now. Not only did he have to endure flight cancellations and delays just to go to a place that was 12° below zero but the airline had lost his luggage when he arrived at his destination, Kalamazoo, Michigan. He didn't realize how small the airport was until he tried to find someone to help him recover his luggage. He managed to find a member of the grounds crew coming in one of the four airport terminals. This gentleman directed my friend to the registration desk at the other end of the airport, which fortunately wasn't a very long walk. When my friend arrived there, he found no one around. After a few minutes wait, that same ground crew member came in, took off his orange safety vest, his gloves, and his ear protectors. He then put on a United Airlines jacket, stood behind the counter and said, "How can I help you, Sir?" I've heard of small airports before. But not one where one person is the counter person, the baggage handler, and the grounds crew. I wouldn't be surprised if that same person also ran the gift shop and the control tower.
My friend finally got a hold of his luggage in time to grab a few hours sleep before the meeting. In fact, the meeting was the only good thing that happened to him the entire trip. He finally returned to his car in the airport parking garage in the wee hours of the morning, he found a $50 ticket waiting for him. The only other good thing that happened to him was that he arrived home safe. For that we are all grateful.
My friend finally got a hold of his luggage in time to grab a few hours sleep before the meeting. In fact, the meeting was the only good thing that happened to him the entire trip. He finally returned to his car in the airport parking garage in the wee hours of the morning, he found a $50 ticket waiting for him. The only other good thing that happened to him was that he arrived home safe. For that we are all grateful.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Yugo Or I'll Go
The cops are at every curve of the road lately. Maybe because it's an election year or maybe it's to increase the city and state's coffers. I don't know. I do know that several of my friends have been pulled over because their sporty car simply hints at going over the speed limit. So what we need is an anti-harassment device to put on their cars. My thought is a car cover that makes your speedy vehicle look like a '85 Yugo. You remember the Yugo, don't you? Built in Yugoslavia when Yugoslavia was member of the Soviet Union's "smile or else" family, the Yugo had the look of something made at gunpoint by workers overjoyed by the benefits of communism. It even had a rear window defroster, made especially to warm your hands as you pushed it along the road. Police in America were extremely happy that there weren't many Yugos in the country. Otherwise, they would have had to spend their time assisting stranded motorists -- Yugo or you didn't. So I can't think of a better disguise than this car cover. What better way to amuse an officer as he clocks you doing 60 in a Yugo. That moment will certainly bring a chuckle or two. What do you think?
Mortgage Crisis
Most of the news stories on the mortgage lending crisis did a great job at vilifying the lending industry. How dare these businesses trust their customers to keep to the contracts. What were these mortgage lenders thinking? Yes, there were a couple of dishonest businesses but that falls under theft, not money lending. One uses deception, the other uses hope and promise. Sometimes it's hard to tell which is which.
There were many sad stories on people who had their home foreclosed. These people talk about how they bought a house worth several hundreds of thousand of dollars for just pennies a month. What a great deal! At this point, they must have zoned out and missed the lender explaining how their payments would jump in a few years to the point where they would need to win the lottery or sell off a couple of their 2.5 children. Or maybe, these unfortunate home buyers thought the balloon payment part of the contract meant they were to add balloons to the mortgage payment after five years. You would have thought that at least one person would have asked what they had to fill those balloons with.
If history is the sum total of things to be avoided, someone must have forgotten the same mortgage crisis of the 80s. In the end, we survived that spot of history too.
There were many sad stories on people who had their home foreclosed. These people talk about how they bought a house worth several hundreds of thousand of dollars for just pennies a month. What a great deal! At this point, they must have zoned out and missed the lender explaining how their payments would jump in a few years to the point where they would need to win the lottery or sell off a couple of their 2.5 children. Or maybe, these unfortunate home buyers thought the balloon payment part of the contract meant they were to add balloons to the mortgage payment after five years. You would have thought that at least one person would have asked what they had to fill those balloons with.
If history is the sum total of things to be avoided, someone must have forgotten the same mortgage crisis of the 80s. In the end, we survived that spot of history too.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Trends in Automotive Insurance
My auto insurance company questions everything. I think I have a $100 debatable policy. Regardless, the auto insurance business will have another excuse to raise your rates as high-tech comes to the industry. Ideally, the insurance business would like to charge you by the exact mileage that you drive. To this end, several experimental programs have been started in the European Union, North America and Japan. On some of their customers' vehicles, automobile insurance businesses have installed devices that read speed and mileage from the car's OnBoard diagnostic port. Other customers have GPS systems that relay their driving habits back to the insurance company. (One East European country is relying on a low tech method of Nagging-Mother-In-Law-in-the-Backseat.)
Of course, some people are questioning the privacy aspects of these pilot programs. I don't know why. If you've ever applied for auto insurance, they end up knowing more about you than the NSA. So what if a business records your travel history? As long as they don't share it with the taxman, what's the worry? We know that will never happen {wink}{wink}.
What's not clear is whether this will lower rates for safe drivers or raise premiums for everyone because of the fancy new gadgets. At least, we won't need a bigger car with Big Brother driving with us. Let's see what the next five years bring.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Never Trust A Dog
My friend has one of those large dogs that has that annoying trait of coming over to greet you and then shoving their nose into your crotch for a sniff. Of course, little dogs are worse because you have to kneel down for them to do the same thing. In any case, this extremely friendly dog has had puppies. My friend wants me to prove my friendship by taking one of the recently birthed bundles of joy. No thanks. I remember those days when the pitter-patter of little feet in my home were those of puppies. Everything to these furry eatin'-poopin' machines was a chew toy —— slippers, speaker cords, table legs, my feet. One day, I caught one of them chewing up my favorite books! At first, I was so stunned I didn't know what to say. Then I just took the words right out of his mouth.
So, no thanks. If I want to ruin everything that I have, I will remarried my ex. Besides, how can you trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts? I'm referring to dogs, of course. My ex ... well, that's another matter.
Monday, February 04, 2008
American Politics
If you don't know why American is the Land of Promises, just watch these election campaigns. It's during this time that people learn what their politicians stand for. It's also when politicians learn what their people will fall for.
Right now, there is a big push for each politician to round up as many delegates as they can. It's not that the delegates are sheep. Although at convention centers, you will find construction on marketing pens in progress and that top named auctioneers have been hired to send these delegates to the highest bidders. All-in-all, a lot of fleecing is about to commence. Stay tuned...
Right now, there is a big push for each politician to round up as many delegates as they can. It's not that the delegates are sheep. Although at convention centers, you will find construction on marketing pens in progress and that top named auctioneers have been hired to send these delegates to the highest bidders. All-in-all, a lot of fleecing is about to commence. Stay tuned...
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