Listening To My Tape...worms

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Trying to remove weight by simply swallowing pills is nothing new. Over a hundred years ago, one of the fads of the day called for ingesting very effective weight loss pills that contained -- tapeworms! And if certain health risks had not prevailed (such as death), they might be on the market today.

It's not that tapeworms disappeared. They just became more mechanical. In the 70s and 80s, it was Reel-to-Reel, 8-track and cassette tapes that contained wormy music from such "artists" as Vanilla Ice and various boy bands. Repeated listening was pretty much guaranteed to help you lose your appetite. I am pretty certain that Bulimia nervosa would not have become so popular if the music industry hadn't overpromoted music groups that make you gag.

Of course these days, we no longer have tape or tapeworms. One was replaced by shiny discs and the other by shiny pills. Fortunate for us, the pills are the right size to shove in our ears. You might not lose weight, but you are certain to be much happier.

Please Forgive Me ....

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I couldn't help myself from doing this post on my other site.

Yet another post with a diet pill name in it

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Fentraphen. There! I wrote it! One more diet pill to help you eat more while exercising less. Don't you feel better now?!

Although lately, there has been one diet that has really helped me to shed a few of pounds. I'm sure a lot of you have unintentionally taken part in it. It's called the high price of food! But now that gas is coming down in price, I can't wait for cost of food to follow suit. When it does, I and my wallet are going to abandon this strict diet. You can call me a desserter to the cause if you like. But that's the way I roll ... all fluffy and buttery.

A Special Keyboard for ... Blondes

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You've probably realized that we live in a time when there is a niche market for everything. But in this age of making sure we don't hurt each other's feelings, I wasn't expecting to find a keyboard for blondes.

Click on the picture and take a look at those keys!!


Yes I agree that the wording of the keys is very helpful. Who among us -- blonde, brunette, redhead, clear (you bald guys) -- has not found ourselves frantically searching the keyboard for an "any key" to press when prompted by the superior intellect of our computer? I know that blondes have all the fun but shouldn't the rest of us be allowed to have such a keyboard? To limit this kind of joy to those with fair hair is a bit discriminatory, don't you think? The next thing you know only blondes will be allowed to buy books without words in them. (Although I don't think that will stop them from moving their lips while they're reading.)

My Upcoming Teaching Job

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Today my quality manager made a very unexpected request on me. In a couple months, he wants me to teach the quality department and our production technicians the art of ... programming. Actually, it's not really a request. It is a directive that is coming down from our new, benevolent overlords.

I guess if your job consists mainly of skillless tasks such as shouting out commands, belittling lesser level employees, and successfully blaming away your mistakes, then everyone else's job must look just as easy to do. I noticed this ridiculous belief recently when talking with our company's president and a few VPs. Their attitude was that programming is nothing more than writing a few lines of text with incorrect punctuation thrown in for good measure. They wouldn't understand why a complex project takes more than a few hours to do. Hence the directive. Why would you want to hire someone who spent at least four years learning the craft of writing good, effective code? Obviously, if any monkey can be a feces-throwing manager, it's only a step down in being a programmer.

So instead of establishing a team of software engineers, upper management wants to burden my already overworked coworkers with the task of helping me maintain our test programs. These systems range from DOS based C-language to Windows VB and, more recently, LabVIEW. Just to be clear, my friends are more than capable of learning everything I know and then some. But how do I take 25 years of programming experience and condense it down into a few classroom hours of training?

Until today's request, my strategy was to create a database that would allow specific coworkers the ability to change test parameters as required. And I hadn't had a chance to do this effectively until I was able to begin converting our programs into LabVIEW last year. I still think this should be the goal. My quality manager agrees. This way they don't have to worry about the logic flow or how to modify sections of code without introducing bugs into the test program. Clean and effective, right? But this is the result of thinking as a method to solve problems. Anything else is destined to put you into upper management ...

Warning! Bank Under Construction!

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On my way to work during these past few months, I've been passing by the construction of yet another Bank of America. There are signs and warnings about the importance of using safety equipment in and around this hazardous site. But what happens when this bank finally opens?

Years ago, BOA was known as NCNB. Back then, NCNB had all sorts of sneaky ways of nickel and diming your account to death. They were such a source of frustration that they lost my business and that of my friends. But now NCNB has matured into a worldwide operation and change the name to Bank of America. Their motto has become ""We help people realize their dreams." Awww, how financial comforting. But which "people" is BOA referring to? My friends? A couple recently told me how they had put money into their account only to discover that they couldn't use it until two or three days later. I've been told stories about checks that bounce even though the money was there, and Bank of America still charged an unrecoverable $35 fee. I get the impression that the motto should read "We help bank presidents and stockholders realize their dreams."

Yes, it is a busy construction site. And it is a good thing that the building company is doing all it can do to guard the safety of its workers. It's too bad we can't put safety equipment on our bank accounts.

Merry Christmas, You're Fired

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Our VP of operation has turned to cutting the most costly group in our company. No, not upper management. The way they've been hiring, apparently we are not top-heavy enough. No, my dear reader, he has targeted the women on the assembly line who are close to retirement. These women have the gall to keep on working just so they can rake in three dollars more than the minimum wage. Such excess can not be tolerated.

Today, he started by giving our 30 year, extremely experienced veteran of the production line the choice of taking over the job of our much younger cleaning lady or of leaving. Our as-of-this-moment retiree chose life outside the company instead of remaining on to clean toilets. Please understand that our cleaning lady does excellent work. So when she heard that she was almost terminated without any warning or cause, you can understand that she was a little upset.

Yesterday, you would have thought that morale was bad. But today, once the story of our VP's action got around the plant, you could look down and see snails soaring miles above our employees' morale. Thank goodness the VP did this during this holiday season...

A rose by any other name ... would be thinner?

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What is it about girls named Allie? I've yet to meet a girl named Ally who has more than 2% body fat. I submit to you Ally McBeal as an example. Is there something in their name that makes them skinnier than the 'L' in their name?

My friend is dating such a girl. But instead of spelling her name as Ally or Allie, she uses the same word as the diet medicine, alli. Coincidence? I wonder.

I'm not sure what my friend finds attractive about her. For such a thin woman, she is very loud and boisterous. Sadly, she's also bulimic. I can only imagine him taking her to a restaurant. I wonder if, every few minutes, he has to say, "Shhh! Do you think you could keep it down?"

A Very Special Navitity Scene

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I drove by a church marquee this morning that read "drive-through nativity scene". At first I thought it was a reference to last year's incident when a woman lost control of her car and drove through their nativity scene. No one was hurt but she did end up with the figurine of Joseph on her dashboard ... and she wasn't even Catholic.

But, no, this was an actual "drive your car around the back of the church and around the nativity" scene. I can just imagine pulling up to find a speaker on a shepherd staff and having to place an order, "Yeah, I'd like the 'Three Wise Men' special with extra Mary and a cup of Joe. No, I don't want to shepherd-size-it. What? The shepherd size comes with goat -- are you kidding?" You know how they'll do anything for sale. After you place your order, they'll have you follow the bright star in the East to the window of the heavenly hosts. There, you'll be greeted by Mexican kid named Jesus and a surly manager who keeps yelling at Jesus saying, "Close the door! What's the matter with you? Were you raised in a barn?!"

I guarantee this drive-through nativity will make your season.

Multifunctional Furniture

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So there I was a few months ago, relaxing at my brother-in-law's home, watching football on a high-definition TV and sampling a few locally brewed beers. It was a beautiful sunny autumn day. And since my brother-in-law lives in the country, we had the windows open to enjoy the flagrantly warm autumn air.

All was going well when we noticed a slight odor of cow manure and a soft but annoying chewing sound. It quickly reached a point where we glanced at the open window behind us. There, sitting on a cow, was his neighbor watching the game along with us. I don't know if straddling a cow is the ideal in leather home theater seating, but at least it pays for itself.

I Get To Help My Daughter

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When I divorced a few years ago, I told my then teenage daughter that she could always come and live with me because of the advantages of school and work in my area. At the time she didn't want to break the bonds of her friends and decided to remain in the area where her mother lived. Since then, my baby girl has come to realize the unpleasant type of person her mother really is. My darling daughter has also become extremely frustrated with the lack of employment opportunities in her area. To remedy this situation, she and her fiancé are going to take me up on my offer and move in with me sometime during this upcoming springtime. I'm very excited about her decision! Of course, this means I've got to immediately begin a major ground-to-roof cleaning project. You know all the clutter that we are "going to get around to organizing someday"? Well, my "someday" has arrived! I also need to make sure I can make as many job and college resources available to my new roommates as possible.

I realize this is going to be a slight disruption in my otherwise quiet home life. And my expenses will go up temporarily. But in the end, all of this will be very much worth while.

Boredom At 30?

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I was talking with one of my single friends about our vacation goals for the rest of the year. At my company, you either take all the days that you earned or lose them. There is no compensation from the company for unused days. There is no roll over for your unspent time into the next year. What amazed me though was when my friend complained about having to take time off. He said that after a day or two from work, he was bored. Bored?!

For the most part, you could say that I am single -- when I come home, I can run around naked, drink milk straight from the carton, belch and fart to my heart's content and not worry that somebody is going to complain. But the one thing that I never experience is boredom. I have so many things that I want to research, learn, sketch, write about and just create that I need more days off from my routine of tending to everybody's needs. I know it's one thing when a child or teenager complains of being bored. But I can't understand how a single man in his 30s can achieve a state of boredom.

Thanksgiving Prank

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This Thanksgiving, I'm either going to be at my sister's home or with the parents of my girlfriend. Either way I thought of a prank that I want to play.

Wal-Mart's sells Cornish hens that are about the size of your hand for two dollars. One plan is to sneak one of those hens into the oven along with the turkey. When it's time to deliver the feast onto the table, I want to be that helpful soul who takes the heavy turkey from the oven to the table. Except, instead of the large, well cooked turkey, I walk into the dining room carrying the Cornish hen and say, "I think you cooked the turkey too long. It shrunk!"

Option two. Again, as ever the helpful boy, I offer to stuff the turkey. Once our turkey is cooked and on the table, I begin to take out the stuffing as I usually do. And then, as the family sits in eager anticipation of the feast, I pull out the small cooked, Cornish hen from inside the turkey. With a look of disgust and dismay, I say, "Oh my goodness! You cook the baby too!"

If I don't survive this holiday season, I'm sure you'll realize that something *fowl* probably happen to me. As long as it involves gravy and lots of whipped cream, I won't mind too much ...

The Latest In Business Decision Making

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You're not going to believe this latest business tool!

Trickle Down Scrooge Effect

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It's going to be a tight Christmas this year. And I don't just mean that Santa won't be able to fit down the chimney. This year my list of who's naughty and who's nice might as well be on the same sheet of paper. Since my bosses aren't giving up anything, I won't be able to give anything. Maybe if I start donating plasma for the next six weeks, I might be able to hand out cheap, funny t shirts. Otherwise, I am part of that great economic principle known as the trickle down Scrooge effect where one man's cheapness is another man's poverty. It kind of makes you want to define the holiday spirit as any liquid that is 75 proof or more. Happy Christmas, Marry New Year ::: hiccup ::: !

Flake Fury, Snow Flurry

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Well, it's that time of the year. Trees are bare, wind is brisk, and pipes inconveniently freeze just before that morning shower. Not only that but yesterday I saw my first flake. That's right! One of our previous owners stopped by the plant. I should have kinder words but what else can you say about a guy who successfully cheated his employees out of millions of dollars.

Oh, shortly after he left, we also had our first snow flurry of the year...

How To Put Your Job In Jeopardy

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One of our new engineers, a rather arrogant guy fresh out of college, got invited to play at a charity golf tournament in Florida along with his boss, his boss's boss and some very important clients. He was definitely excited about this chance to kiss up with the big boys and score those all important brownie points. But before he got a chance to play, he turned a sweet opportunity into sour grapes.

Instead of waiting to put his golf clubs on the plane with his other luggage, he shipped his golf set to his sister in Florida so that she would bring it to him when he arrived. You're probably thinking it was a smart move. I would certainly trust a shipping company with my clubs more than I would the airlines. But the stupid thing was that he sent them at the company's expense -- $300 round trip. Compare this to the extra baggage fee of $60 that the company paid for two golf bags of his boss and his boss's boss.

Between the time our young engineer mailed his golf equipment and the day of the charity event, the company sent him to Michigan on business. While he was up there, his boss gave him a call and told him not to bother flying on to Florida. This new employee said he was told that they suddenly decided to cut back on travel expenses and that they didn't need him to play. We're all pretty sure that the new VPs heard what happened and let their displeasure be known.

What surprised me in this entire incident was the reaction of this newly hired, college educated worker once he returned here at work. He angrily told us that he was tired of being told what to do and was looking for another job. What?! Has this guy never had a job before? Even so, he knows very well about the penny-pinching mode that our VPs have us under right now. How he thought he could spend $300 instead of 30 is beyond me. Oh well. Either way, I guess our new recruit is teed off now...

UPDATE: Surprisingly (or not), he was fired two weeks later as part of the new downsizing. I think the nail-in-the-coffin moment was the week previous when he become extremely belligerent with the VP of operation during a meeting. Good luck, Eric. You might want to take a Dale Carnegie course or two ...

My Loss For The Heaven's Gain

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You would think with all the daily aggravations and worries, I would have no concern about how much the earth lovingly pulls me to her bountiful bosom. But lately her love -- a love that I easily measure in pounds -- is reaching record highs. Yes, I like the old girl. Yet, I think I like the noncommittal weightlessness of the heavens even more.

So a few weeks ago, I began to lessen my absorption of mother Earth's bounty. Sadly, I learned that simply eating less is not easy. As my bathroom scales showed the lessening of her weighty love, my hunger grew until mother Earth invaded my dreams with sweet fantasies of rich chocolate that begs to be tasted and those feathery soft marshmallows that teasingly satisfy your tongue for a quick second before tormenting your cravings for even more.

I awoke a couple of mornings ago after one of those gluttonous nightmares and discovered my hunger gone ... as well as my two feathery down pillows. Since then, I feel great (aside from burping up feathers or being a little down in the mouth)! Gravity's attraction toward me is slipping away more each day! Those agonizing dreams of food have ceased. I think I may have discovered the best diet pills in the world, or at least, the best diet pillows ever made.

For now I don't know when I will replace my fluffy headrests. After all, because of inflation even the price of down is up. And, as the Earth's love melts away ounce by ounce, I may find myself floating up amongst the weightless stars soon enough ... maybe snacking on a Mar's bar or a Milky Way ... mmmmmmmmmmmm

Happy Days! Gas At 6.5 cents a mile!

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It was only a few months ago, that I was paying 15 cents a mile for gas. Yeah, I know how everyone talks in terms of dollars per gallon. But since I know how far I have to drive, my budget works in cents per mile. Last Wednesday, the station close to home broke through the $2 a gallon mark. Today, it was selling regular petrol at $1.869 per gallon. For me, that is a sweet 6.5 cents per mile. ::: big smiley sigh :::

It has been years since I've been this rich ... figuratively speaking. Now, it looks like January's outgo will be only slightly negative instead the bank busting negative cash flow projected for my December (and that was with no Christmas spending.) At 6.5 cents a mile, real food (instead of that Ramen noodle food substitute) is back into the budget. I'm lovin' it ... I can eat and get gas!!! Oh yes, Happy Days! Happy Days!

Is Satellite Radio Now Losing Orbit?

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Until recently, XM radio stock was trading at over $8 a share while Sirius stock was under $2. XM also had millions more subscribers than Sirius by offering more commercial-free and unique radio channels than their competitor. Then came the merger. Last Wednesday (Nov 12th), both XM and Sirius subscribers got to listen to the new broadcast lineup. What did you think? I know I was sadly disappointed when several of my favorite stations were no longer available. Judging by blog posts across the Internet world, I'm not the only one who has discovered a loss of quality programming.

Usually in a business merger, the new resulting company strips away ineffective practices of its former entities and focuses on better ways to bring in their customers' money. I think that all listeners of the satellite radio realm knew that there would be a change in programming. What caught us by surprise is that the new XM-Sirius company canceled channels that had gained both business loyal customers in the past. In order to get quick cash from advertisers, XM-Sirius simply added more commercial filled, AM/FM type radio stations. Get for the short term but isn't that the customers who give longevity to a business?

So, are you surprised that "Canceling my subscription" filled most of the comments to blog posts about the new satellite radio company? Is it a coincidence that Sirius stock was around a quarter on Friday? It seems that instead of the merger being the best diet pill a company could take, XM-Sirius has ingested the best poison pill -- ignore what your customers want.