How 'Stars' Keep Their Face In Front of You

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It seems like it has been several years since I've heard anything almost resembling music from Jessica Simpson. Normally, when those claiming to be artists don't come out with something new every few months (or with someone else's material rehashed), they tend to fade from view. But not Jessica. Every Saturday, I turn on my TV and there she is pimping Proactiv acne cream. I guess if your looks can sell your warblings, perhaps they can also sell acne medicines too. Either way, you're guaranteed a paycheck for a little while longer.

Drumming To Remove Weight

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I just learned that rock drummers are as physically fit as top athletes. Good news, right? Definitely additional motivation for me to get back into playing and into shape. Heaven knows (as most of my friends do) that I need some exercise. I was planning to take the lazy route and arm curl weight loss pills into my mouth. But I can tell you that playing the drums is a lot more fun.

I could combine weight loss pills and drumming. But how well would that really help my physique? After all, those thinning tablets are too small to hit effectively with a stick. And even with a handful of dieting capsules, I couldn't play any songs longer than a few seconds as I bounce them off the drum heads -- unless I was talented enough and quick enough to catch the pills on the rebound. Given my current coordination, I would probably end up catching a pellet or two with my eye. Of course, if I couldn't see how fat I was getting ... hmmmmmmm

What to Get My Ex For Her Birthday?

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In spite of my former spouse's shenanigans -- her childish actions and inactions -- I think that I've done a pretty good job of not conveying my frustrations with her. Our children think that I've been too civil with her. Maybe they are right.

She has a birthday coming up. Since it is August, I am tempted to send her a pile of snow along with a note, "Do you get my drift, you flake? I just wanted to remind you how your selfishness melted away a good thing."

Bitter? Oh no, I'm not bitter! Well, perhaps a tad so. It's just troubling that, 30 months after the divorce decree, she is still interfering with my life and my finances. I am so disappointed that this 53 year-old won't tend to her responsibilities. When I first married her, I thought that we would grow old together. I didn't know that I would be spending much of our marriage trying to help her grow up. Now that we are divorced, all I can do is wait and hope...

Thieves in High Places

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Two weeks ago, thieves broke into my shed and stole my lawn mower. No problem, I have my homeowners insurance. Yet, after paying 20 years into that policy, I learned that I have a $250 deductible to meet before those scam artists will pay for a new mower. Great!

So now I've got to do something about my flourishing weeds before the town's lawn police extort more money from me. I think my best shot is to classify my yard as a very special Garden. I'll set up several lawn gnomes and toilet planters as part of my garden decor. Then I can dare the town to infringe upon my artistic rights and my anti-discrimination policy towards weeds. Nah, between the illegal thieves and the legal ones, I don't have a chance.

Just tryin' to help a friend out

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A friend of mine wants to start an outdoor furniture business. For some reason, she wasn't too keen on my thoughts. I wonder why....? hee hee hee :D

Little Known Moments In History

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In the early days of photography, only the rich and the very vain would do everything they could to have their picture taken. It isn't widely known that Napoleonic Armies of France made use of this human flaw as they invaded Austria.

For several days, a French general worked hard to overtake a strategic Austrian castle. When he learned that the Baron of the castle was an extremely vain man, the General sent word to the Baron that he was giving up his attack but wanted to take a photograph of the man he considered to be his superior. Knowing how good this would look in the history books, the Baron eagerly agreed. The French general also knew that the Baron wasn't the brightest sausage in the link. So this brilliant solder of Napoleon disguised a canon with a curtain to look like a very expensive camera set up. You know the results. The Baron posed. The French general said "Smile big for me!" and lit the fuse. The Baron was blown away by the skill of the invading photographer. And the French showed off their newly acquired castle in a series 8-by-10 glossies.

There have been many battles throughout the history of the world. But this moment marked the first use of the Canon camera.

Happy Quinceanera To You, Happy Quinceanera To You,

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With my Jewish friends, I've been privy to their children's bar mitzvahs. My rich friends celebrate the coming-of-age of their daughters' with debutante balls. And now my cultural world has been expanded once more as one of my Mexican friends sent out Quinceanera invitations for his daughter's upcoming 15th birthday. It seems that the Quinceanera is like a bar mitzvah or a debutante ball except that everyone speaks Spanish. As globalization reaches the level of families, would the ideal birthday then be that of a teenaged, Jewish girl who has rich, Mexican parents?

The Mouth-watering Elements of Comedy

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I've been trying to figure out what makes a joke funny. Not the pie-in-the-face gag but the written or spoken jokes. I've noticed there seems to be at least six common elements. And just like cake recipes, if you skip any of these comedic ingredients or get them in the wrong proportion, your potentially delicious banter becomes a very distasteful disaster.

First of all, you begin with a tasty target. Any person, place, thing, or even an abstract concept will do. Don't worry about freshness. Many successful comedians have built their careers on old jokes.

Next, add hostility -- a pinch of anger or barrel full of frustration depending on your love of your target. Of course, be careful! If you don't use the remaining four comedy essences, you risk getting a punch in the nose instead of a laugh. That's why boxers are rarely funny -- just don't say that to their face.

So, to avoid bodily harm to ourselves, not only should we avoid taunting boxers but we need to mix in a little realism and a fisherman's-tale size of exaggeration. Realism because comedy usually comes from pain. And there's nothing more painful than the truth. Unless it's an IRS audit. But we're talking about comedy here, not torture. Exaggeration is an essential part because it's the unlikely aspect of our target that tickles our audience. But that's something you've probably heard a billion times already.

Finally, we have to cook the emotions of our audience. We have to build their suspense. Our joke has to tease until our jokees are ready to explode. Then, when the timing is right, we prick their soufflé of anticipation with the pointy end of surprise. If done correctly, you shall experience the sweet laughter that rivals a hot, baked Alaska (dessert, not the state).

So there you have it: target, hostility, realism, exaggeration, emotions, and surprise. Warning, if you get a great reputation for cooking up all these ingredients into tasty treats, you might end up with a lot of dough in your pockets.

Phenter's Love

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My friend's name is Fenter. Being that it's the hip, groovy, neat-o and whacky cool thing to misspell words these days, he spells his name, Phenter. He used to be the kind of guy that was always gloomy and depressing to be around. But now that he has fallen madly in love with a little lady from Japan, life is good for him. Very good. It doesn't matter that her English is not the best. They have no problem communicating with each other through that universal language of adoration and affection. And if Phenter is happy, we all are happy.

The other day, we teased her about being just what the doctor ordered for Phenter and that maybe his heart might belong to another. She just laughed and said, "Oh no, Phentermine no prescription necessary!"


[Yes, I know it should read "Phenter mine, no prescription necessary" but I have work with what I'm assigned. Still, the joke works, yes?]

Trash Fairies

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I think my neighborhood is inhabited by magical trash fairies. Early today I placed my broken indoor furniture on the curb for the trash collection. Within hours, my "outdoor furniture" magically disappeared. Now there isn't a lot of traffic in my neighborhood. Yet somehow, my trash became some one else's treasure. I'm not complaining. I'm just glad that I wasn't asleep on that old couch when it vanished. Of course, if they left me behind, I could congratulate myself on not being "white trash."

Itchin' For A Vacation?

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A week ago I was in the throes of a much needed vacation. I got to have quality rest, good food, good company, and the chance to become a human buffet for several hundred hungry chiggers. Today is the first day that I didn't feel the need to scratch my legs and feet with a power sander.

The past seven days have been such torturous agony. Even the gentle glide of shower water on my legs would instantly become a maddening itch that I could not satisfy. I would have bathed using one of those industrial-strength steam cleaners to remove my lower limbs if it were possible. Of course, I would have been stumped as to how I would get around after that. Still, if I had a T-shirt that represent my vacation, it would read "I went camping and all I got was this irritating itch ... and this lousy T-shirt"

But today is a good one. So far I haven't had to bury my legs in gallons of lotion, anti-itch cream, and aloe gel. Today is almost like being on holiday from my vacation...

Why I Don't Have A Pet Dog

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At lunch, my friends were going on about their various dogs. You could see the love in their eyes as they talked about their intelligent pets --- animals who have no problem rushing to the door when the doorbell rings even though it's never for them. And then somebody asked the inevitable question, "So Ron, how come you don't have a dog?" Gee, I don't know. Some days, it's 16 hours before I return home. When I do pass through the comforting doorway of my homely sanctuary, the only thing on my mind is dinner and sleep. Unless I have a dog that is ready to be served up in a bun with mustard, I don't think I could give any pet the love and attention that it deserves.

Of course, I could go through my children's old toys and find one of their plastic dogs. In the morning, I would set him by the door ready to greet me when I returned home after a long day. Such a dog would be great at tricks. I could say, "roll over" as I toss him along on the floor. He would be perfect at playing dead. And for lively game of fetch, I would only have to toss him along with a stick.

Image what a great watchdog he would make! A quick grab to pick him up, yell "attack" and then a forceful fling of my plastic protector at the unwanted intruder. When I'm not at home, I can string him up by the door so that when somebody breaks in, he will swing down from above and smack them in the face. (The only difference between being an attack dog and playing fetch is whether someone ends up with a bump on the head or not.)

Yes, I know all pets need exercise. So by putting him on a leash, I can take him for an evening drag. To make sure that my special friend feels like he belongs with all the other dogs, I could stop ever so often and scoop up fake doggie doo (only $1.50 at your local gag store). Sadly, he wouldn't be able to stop and sniff trees to check the latest pee-mail. Oh well.

Nah, I'm not worried about having a pet right now. If I wanted the trials and tribulations of caring for needy, smelly living creature, I would have stayed married ...

I Need Another Vacation Now

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I realize that for most vacations to be successful you need to take half the clothes that you plan on wearing and spend half the money. So that's what I did last week. Success! The only way my much-needed vacation could have been better is if I taken twice the time off.

Sadly, today was my first day back at work. And in the midst of my chaotic job of playing catch-up, all I could think about was that relaxing ride in one of those soft, inflatable boats as my brother-in-law lazily pulled me along with his pontoon boat on the sunny Tennessee River. ::: sigh ::: It feels like today's overwhelming demands lasted much longer than those four days of sun and family fun of last week. Why is that?

RIP XP

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The first of July marked a sad day in the computer world. This was the first day that the effective, technologically proven operating system of Windows XP became unavailable to the world of hard-working computer users. On this day, productivity across the globe dipped. The only ones not mourning are the makers of the bloated, memory hogging system known as Vista and the producers of the ram (random access memory) modules. RIP XP ...

patents and locks

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What is the life of a patent, about 20 years? You would think that when Walter Schlage patented a simple key and lock mechanism almost a century ago, the patent would run out and everyone could freely use his invention. But here's how you get around that: take a design, make a minor change to it, you get a new patent. If your business can continue to hire intelligent workers for years to come, you can go several generations and corner the market on your unique idea.

At least, that was our company's plan with a inflation system for car seats. What we didn't expect was another company to come along with deep enough pockets to fund a gaggle of lawyers. They didn't have to invent a thing except the fabrication that our idea was their creation. Then it was a simple matter to eat away at our finances in court. Eventually we were faced with going bankrupt or paying royalties to this conquering company. We pay the royalties while allowing the product line languish and die.

So how is it that the Schlage keylock system is still a profitable patent? It seems that it was immensely successful when Walter started his business in the late 20s. And then in the 70s, his company was bought by the much larger enterprise, Ingersoll-Rand. Unfortunately, this business case does not seem to be the norm these days. so I have no idea how to protect a great idea from parasitic companies.

The Best Job In America

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Here it is, summer time in America and people's thought have turned to politics. Some have half a mind to run for public office and, fortunate for them, that's all it takes. Unlike some productive ventures (like starting a business), getting into a political franchise means you can raise money and pay it back in nothing but promises (or pay back nothing if you're a seasoned pro). To get elected takes hard work, kind of like creating a dog-and-pony show -- lots of flash and noise and cute animals while not really doing anything.

To succeed, make sure you loudly promote noble causes that you would never personally pay for. After all, you'll have access to everyone else's money once you're elected. Make sure to appeal to misplaced sense of social justice and promise all sorts of regulatory laws. Again, don't worry. As an public official, such ill convinced legislation doesn't apply to you. For example, you are immune from sexual discrimination claims and hiring quotas.

As you can see, a few months of baby kissing and generating enough hot air on the campaign trail to contribute to global warming can get you into the best job in America. Not only that but what other job gives you the potential to retire after only five years of service? Is America a great country or what?!

Bathroom Cam

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There's talk at work of cameras being put into the men's bathroom to make sure we're not goofing off. Some one with too much power and too much time on their hands thinks that there are too many trips being taken during the work day to the bathroom. But what do they expect? 50 guys, unlimited coffee, and only one bathroom with two stalls.

Often, it's like being part of a poker game. One man will walk in, see several of his workmates with crossed legs waiting their turn. He make the usual comment, "Look's like a full house!" Some one else will respond with, "If you wait, there'll be a straight flush!" If Randy, our openly gay worker, is in there, he'll add, "Oh no! It's goin' to be a royal flush!" He's such a queen. Then everyone will laugh and life goes on.

With cameras in the facility, I don't know what video cards game will be played now. There's talk of a "how many ways can you accidentally moon the camera?" contest. I think the winner gets a new job some where else.

How To Tell If Your Friends Respond To Spam E-mails

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Here we are in the 21st century and we're still getting spam e-mails about magic lotions that will enlarge certain parts of your anatomy and weight-loss creams that will shrink other parts of your body. Does anybody ever reply to these e-mails? You would think that people would ignore this spam because the products might not work. I think people wouldn't respond to these e-mails on the possibility that these products would work! In the case of the lotions of enlargement, wouldn't your friends be a little suspicious when one of your hands become twice the size of a normal hand? For those using a weight loss cream, you would know as soon as you reached out to and shook their Barbie-doll sized hand...

Livin' Cheap

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In my last post, I entertained the possibility of having to live in the back lot of my work place. It wouldn't be too bad. There is a shower room in the plant and the break room has a refrigerator and a microwave. I would have to be outside by 6 in the evening when the building is locked up for the night. Not a problem since I would have another small cardboard box and an overturned pail for my patio furniture / dining room. The evening would be spent viewing hi-def reality until it was time for bed. In the morning, it's a 2 second commute to work, assuming some snail hasn't jackknifed in the path and tied up traffic leading to the entrance way. Otherwise, a new, inexpensive day begins.

Giving My 2 Cents For A Penny

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What better way to spend a sunny weekend than wrestling with the budgetary incomes and out-goes of my life. I can certainly think of several better ways. But I've been putting off this task long enough. The bad news is that, if my financial situation doesn't improve soon, I may find myself living in a heavy-duty cardboard box, in the back lot behind where I work. The good news is I know are where to find several of those heavy-duty cardboard boxes.

I don't want to think of myself as poor. And it would very self-defeating to think of myself as needy. To call myself underprivileged would really be over the top. Perhaps I could toot that I'm not completely destitute. And even though I don't seem to have any apparent advantages to work with, I am slightly better than disadvantaged. Whatever you want to call my situation, the money just isn't there. Although my vocabulary seems rather rich. Anyone got change for word?