Adding to the Fun Called "Life"

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On top of the increased time-demanding adventures of work and the addition of my daughter and my future son-in-law into my home, I have began talking with my girlfriend of almost 7 years, the possibilities of intertwining our lives in marriage. Just talk right now. No surprising her with engagement rings, just talk.

From my understanding of women, just talking is like dangling the possibility of winning the lottery in front of someone. Fortunately, I am dating a very patient and understanding woman. I know she would say 'yes' in an instant. For my part, I have to admit that I've been practicing at drive-through's -- when they ask "Do you want fries with that?" I emphatically answer, "I DO!" Still, the union of our two very complicated lives will definitely take a very coordinated effort. Amazingly enough, she is the only woman I know that I could pull off such a feat with .... :)

Peering Into Friends

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My friend seemed rather nervous and upset yesterday as we talked during our break. It turned out that she is having a colonoscopy and an esophagogastroduodenoscopy on Monday. I couldn't help but ask if she was going to have two doctors at each end of her, trying to meet somewhere in her middle with their cameras. "What are they going to do?" I asked kidding around. "Wave at each other and say 'I see you' ?" That seemed to make her feel better. Then she talked about the industrial-strength colon cleaner outer that she had to take starting on Sunday. The way she described the medicine, it wasn't anything like a wimpy, over-the-counter Colonix. The stuff she had to take would strip the built-up grime off of old engines. So I suggested that she go sky diving naked afterwards. She could open her mouth really wide and become a human whistle. For some reason, that made her feel even better.

posting

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It is amazing how time flies when your job gets a stranglehold on your life. Yes, I should be happy that I'm not among the ranks of the unemployed. But I think my company is taking advantage of that fact.

So it has difficult to get some post into the blog-sphere. On the plus side, it has been a while since I mentioned weight loss pills. DARN IT! There goes that winning streak ...

Instrumental Learnings

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I've learned to play several instruments as the years have gone past. Well, perhaps "play" isn't the exact word we should use. I've been beaten up by more than one drum set. Guitars seem to exist simply to string me along. And I only had to play piano once in order for Steinway himself to actually appear and rub his name off of the instrument. But, like they say, practice makes perfect ... reminders of why some people shouldn't play.

Tryin' to Blog again

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Almost eight weeks of constant work with no days off has taken its toll. On here, I've found it difficult to complete any blogs post. The last was meant to be for Easter. "Three days ago, on Friday, I put the Pillsbury dough boy in the oven. I am happy to report that he has risen." I tried explaining that joke to my Hindu friend from India. But that was like trying to explain nuphedra reviews to the Amish.

My mind is mush and the day is only just beginning. :: sigh :: These posts aren't much better. Let's see what the future brings...

What are we thinking?

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What is it that makes us accept hype as gossip and follow the herd into bitter disappointment. For example, a little while ago atro phex was all the rage as an incredible weight-management, energy pill. People bought in droves until reports that energetic weight loss was really rapid sprints to the bathroom for intense bouts of colon cleansing. Since atro phex is not the first bad diet pill, you would think people would know better by now. But no. First the bitter consequences, followed by "What was I thinking?!"

Same goes with recent government intervention against those evil business people. Sounds great! Down with the evil doers! Just forget the past and don't look behind the curtain of history at the root of some of business' evil practices. That's when little items like the following to will make you say, "What are we thinking?"

Howie do it

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When I first saw Howie Mandel, he was doing hilarious stand-up comedy. Then he had a great cartoon show that my children and I would watch on Saturday mornings. The past of couple years has found him doing an intense game show and a hidden camera show. And now he has moved into creating some humorous Sales ads on Youtube for Buy.com. They're the kind you would hope to see during Superbowl halftime. Although, judging from the content of some of the videos, you certainly won't see them on regular TV. Someone would have gotten their pants in bunch over a few of the cheekier innuendos. Thank goodness for the Internet.

I don't know what is next for Mr. Mandel. A podcast or two, a Facebook presence, wouldn't surprise me. But I'm looking forward to a few more entertaining videos.

Goods news at work.

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After three years of no pay raises, my company is finally going to give the hourly workers a 5 cent per hour increase! You can imagine the joyful effect this will have on not quite fifty people. Management's momentous decision can only be possible because they helped ten other hourly employees avoid the anxiety of moving into a higher tax bracket ... by firing them. (If you're keeping score, that would be "Yearly Increase of Payroll": $7,500 to "Yearly Decrease to Payroll": $270,000. Company wins! Yay Team!)

With these continuing changes in the company, resumes and letter of recommendation are becoming required items of safety equipment as we work to protect our lives, limbs and bank accounts.

Rich And Thin

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Someone once said you can never be too rich or too thin (perhaps a quote by an Ethiopian millionaire). While this may explain the surplus of supermodels, it may also explain the mindset of a lot of people that I work around. They tend to be rich in patience and good cheer, and anorexically thin in any undesirable qualities.

Someone also once said that you tend to become like the people you hang around. Perhaps I'm not hanging around them enough. Or maybe I just need to hang around the guy that keeps coming up with quotable sayings.

Things Change When You Get Older

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I'm 50. My body just isn't what it used to be. Today I realized that a tremendous sex drive means only that my girlfriend lives 130 miles away ...

What Do You Buy For a SuperStar?

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Sometimes I find myself thinking about questions that have ethical dilemmas. Just the other day, I found myself wondering about all of these professional athletes who are earning millions of dollars for being able to play with a ball or a stick. When it comes time for Christmas or their birthdays, what sort of presents do their friends and family buy them? Would it be an insult to spend the few measly dollars that you have on sports gifts for these overpaid entertainers? Would it be like buying a set of Wal-Mart's specially priced knives to give a world-class chef?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't pick on our highly paid athletes. But it's not like a multimillion dollar superstar is going to read this. They do know how to read, right?

Big Words From Such a Little Mind

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Have you ever been around people who tend to make things sound much more complicated than they really are? It's as if they have a compelling need to take a simple term and turn it into a poly syllabic phrase. I have one such friend who suffers from this affliction. Actually, he has the affliction, the rest of us suffer.

He works as an exterminator. Instead of saying that you step on a bug to kill it, he refers to the action as applying "spontaneous compression" so that the bug dies from "vertical planar syndrome". The other day, he had an assignment at the Campbell Soup factory down the road. You can imagine how all the dried grains and vegetables tend to attract an insect or two. Instead of telling me that he was putting Indian meal moth traps around the plant, he said he was installing "Native-American-dinner-butterfly hunting gear". I guess he thought this was funny because most of the workers at factory claim lineage to Lumbee tribe. I'm thinking that if he tells any of them what he is installing, he is soon to be informed of how "factually unencumbered" and "non-cerebrally gifted" he is. No doubt the more expressive members of the group are sure to help him become "metabolically inactive". All I can say is that he just bugs me...

What Housing Problem?

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You wouldn't know that there is a economic problem with housing in my area. With military bases being consolidated into Fort Bragg, construction around here has been busier than beavers working on their version of the Hoover dam. Not only are there more houses and condos (and a lot less trees and open fields) but I'm beginning to see a proliferation of extended stay hotels. You can't miss them with their truck-sized TV screen atop a 20 foot pole and blindingly blaring their latest rental special. "One bedroom apartment with kitchen and living room for $199 a week" I hope that includes a bathroom or at least a very large bucket. The price is better than a hotel stay but it still seems rather expensive. I just wish that those TV screens would show other channels.

Children Are Not Pawns in Divorce

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Last week's vacation went relatively well. My daughter and her fiancé and I had a great time together. The only disturbing part was when my ex violated our divorce decree and hid my 16 year old son in another state so that we couldn't speak with each other. When I returned my daughter and future son-in-law back to their home this past weekend, there was my ex --- all smiling and of good cheer like the person of ill repute that she is. My son was upset because of our missed time together. When he and I were finally alone with each other, he confided that he wants to move away from her more than ever. Sadly, he doesn't think he could handle his mother's drama while waiting for the courts allowed his move. At this point, he seriously considering waiting out the next 13 months until he was 18 and then able to escape to my home. I can only support him in whatever way he needs me to.

What my ex doesn't seem to get is that she has now completely lost the respect of her children. What little love for her that they have left is being further whittled away by her continued selfish actions. I hope she realizes this soon and it torments her for the rest of her life.

Why is it never easy when dealing with crazy people?

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It was simple. My son wanted to visit next week during his school's winter break. I was more than ready to have him here in the safety of my home. Earlier this week, my ex agreed. This morning, she called and said that her lawyer advised that my son not be allowed to leave the state. WTF? This has never been a problem before. The only difference now is that, at 16, he's wised up to his mother's craziness and wants to escape to me. My son has always known that he could live with me. But she has her ways ... deceptive, manipulative, craft, evil. She had me in her clutches for 25 years until I finally realized that there is a difference between being a gentleman and being a door mat. My son has matured to the point of knowing "how much of a mother she isn't" to him. His words. My ex treats my son as nothing more than a meal ticket of child support. He lives in a filthy trailer while she's gone for 3 weeks a month driving a truck --- she prefers this to earning a living with her engineering degree.

So a couple of weeks ago, he dropped the bomb that he wants to live with me in a clean home, with a loving parent who will be there daily for and with him. This has driven her crazier ever since.

The sad part is not that she doesn't want him in a better environment. She doesn't want to lose the yearly $14,000 that she receives but rarely spends on him. It's no wonder that she can afford a lawyer while I make do on 2/3 of my income left to cover my life and her divorce debts. Divorce can be so much fun!

Ahhhh, but this little drama couldn't have continued without the mind games from her evil lawyer. How else can you make money if you don't sow seeds of doom and gloom and paranoia? With the droning of a cult member, that's all my ex would say this morning, "My lawyer advised.... No, I can't talk about it. My lawyer advised."

Fine. The divorce decree states that my son can visit without restriction. My lawyer says that I can enlist the aid of the sheriff. I have told my ex when and where I will be to pick up my son. If he isn't there, I will file a report as more evidence of an unfit mother. And she wonders why our two adult children have no respect for her...

Watch What You Hear

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Everyone at work seems to becoming more and more pessimistic about our new owners. The other day, a fellow co-worker and I were having an informal chat about a test cabinet design. Another co-worker walked by and heard us saying something about industrial knobs. He automatically assumed that it was a derogatory slam on upper management and was more than ready to give us his supporting thoughts.

I guess this is how we are all handling the stress of cutbacks and firings. We have no way of knowing who's next in this business game of employee Russian roulette. And our bosses aren't saying much. So lately we are finding it easier to exchange tales of bitterness with each other at the first chance. It may relieve a little anger but I can't see how these continued verbal outbursts are going to help the company in the long run ...

That Parking Ticket Might Not Be What You Think It Is

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Drivers in Grand Forks, North Dakota, have recently been finding official-looking tickets on their windshields. These fake tickets instruct the driver to view pictures of the violation at a specific web site. Unfortunately, hackers who run this despicable site cause a virus to install itself on to the victim's computer.

It's getting harder to know who to trust any more. If you can't count on your ever vigilant meter maid to harass you honestly, who can you trust any more?

Create Your Own Discount

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My bathroom is a need of some work. But as I shopped at Lowe's and Home Depot, I couldn't find anything cheap enough for my budget. So I've devised a plan to create some discount bath fixtures at these shopping warehouses. Tell me what you think.

How about sitting on one of the display toilets with your pants about your ankles until one of the sales associates walks by. Surely you and I could get a price break if we ask for some toilet paper and a discount on the slightly used toilet. Or, we could borrow pail from the hardware section and fill it full of water from the garden section. Then with a scrub brush purloined from the bath section, we can proceed to bathe in one of those luxurious tubs until the manager kicks us out the store. And what are they going to do with the bathtub is personalized with our dirt? I smell price cut ... among other things.

Anyone else have other ideas?

Watch This!

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Pssst! Hey buddy! Can I ... tock ... to you for a few minutes? You look like the kind of guy who might be interested in a couple of Nooka watches.

Now hold on! I'm not trying to ... tick ... you off! But if you're like me, there's never enough time. Yeah, I know --- unless you're serving it.

Ok, OK. I know time is relative. I know that the length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. No, I'm not trying to get philosophical here. I just want to make a sale.

Of course, you have to admit that time is a great teacher. Sadly, it kills all of its pupils but that's life.

What's that? Sure, time is a great healer. But have you noticed that it's a lousy beautician?

Anyway, what do you say? How about a new watch? How about one with the old-style analog hands? I understand that the days of the digital watch are numbered... Oh Yeah? Same to you, Bub!

The Power of Memories

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I have been having several nostalgic dreams lately of when my children were young. We used to visit the Outer Banks of North Carolina every fall -- the rates were low, the crowds were sparse, and the turtles were hatching. One of the Society for the protection of turtles would set up an event for young children to lead hatching turtles back to the ocean. My children loved participating in that event every year.

As for me, besides sharing in my children's fun of helping defenseless creatures, I would enjoy running along the edge of the tide at sunset. There's nothing quite like the salty fragrance in your nose, the warm water lapping at your toes as you raced by, the sparkle of the setting sun dancing on your frolicking children, the adrenaline rush of a good life pushing you to run faster and faster until it was as if you were gliding across the top of the ocean. Eventually I would be breathing so hard that I had to stop. But I stopped with an enormous smile on my face and an even larger sense that all was right with the world and my family.

A lot has changed since then. The other night, that memory of my beach runs came back as a dream. Only this time, my gasps for air awoken me. For the next few minutes, it was as if I could not breathe deep enough. It's as though my ex has done everything in her power to make sure that my children and I can't get enough of each other anymore. But my children are about to give her an unexpected turn in that battle...