What Comes Out Of Vegas ... Isn't What He Expected

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And so our victorious sales team returned from the SEMA show in Las Vegas. While the owners were anxiously awaiting news of record-breaking sales leads (which they didn't get), one of our new young employees was waiting like a kid on Christmas morning for surprise that the sales team had promised they would bring him. "They said they had a stripper map for me!" he excitedly told me. I guess he had more than enough of testosterone flowing through his body to mess up his hearing. What they gave him was a las vegas strip map, complete with landmarks circled and handwritten notes written such as "Saw a gorgeous woman ... here", "Too bad you weren't ... here", "I wish you could have seen her ... here." The map also had places like Sherwin-Williams circled with a note of "great paint stripper ... here"; Home Depot with "the greatest wallpaper stripper ... here", the Hospital with "the most incredible candy striper" and a Steakhouse, "the tastiest strips ... ribeye, of course."

Was our boy happy with this? Let's just say, I haven't seen him come out from his cubicle yet.

Was The Credit Crisis Caused By A Bucket?

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Have you wondered what this global credit crisis is all about? No? Oh, you have better things to think about. I don't so here's what I've found.

Imagine that you take out a $10,000 life insurance on me for, say, $10 a month. (No, I don't know what the actual insurance quotes would be. I'm just picking an easy number for this example.) Now let's say that 99 of your friends also take out that same policy on me. So here we have a hundred people betting that I'm going to die. (Let me tell you, you're one sick bunch.) As long as I'm alive, insurance company is collecting a thousand bucks of easy money a month. (I get nothing except 100 invitations to poisoned dinners.) All is well until that fateful day when I kick the bucket ... which breaks my big toe, which causes an infection, which kills me. Happy now?

I'd like to think that the insurance company would be very sad about my death. But the fact is that they now have to pay out $1 million. Truly a sad moment. And, unless that company was able to collect on me for more than 1000 months, their sadness will amount to a major depression (which is worth a bucket of tears in today's economy though not the same bucket that caused my demise.)

So what can our poor insurance company do while I'm an absolute perfect picture of human perfection and longevity? ::: cough cough ::: They talk to another company and say, "We will pay you $500 a month. If our client dies, you will pay us $1 million." The second company looks me over and enthusiastically agrees that I am an absolute perfect picture of human perfection and longevity. (Did I mention of modesty too?) Since they believe they can make money in this deal, our second company agrees to the terms.

This is basically what happened in the investment community. In the beginning, it was like one person buying a life insurance on another. But because covering investment risk isn't called "insurance", this arrangement wasn't subject to any regulatory oversight. With economic times being good, this risk protection -- known as credit default swap (CDS) -- was quite profitable. This led to investment companies to start using CDS more as an investment tool and less as financial protection. One business would buy "insurance" from another company, who buy the same from a third company, who do the same with the fourth and so on. Soon, we had the same scenario as the one where 99 of your friends took out insurance on me. And then ... that bucket got in my way.

So that's what happened. I unexpectedly died and started the entire credit crisis. Like a row of falling dominoes, one company failed to pay out on its "insurance" policy, which caused the next company to not be able to pay out, and so on. Sorry about that. Oh well. The nice thing about being dead is that I don't have to worry about any expenses now ... or buckets.

The Globe is Warming! The Globe is Warming! Oh, never mind...

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Let's see if I got this right about the events of last month:
- The Swiss lowlands were blanked with the most snow for any October since records began.
- Zurich broke its record of 14 centimeters set in 1939 by receiving 20 centimeters.
- Steamy Ocala, Florida shivered with its second-lowest October temperature since 1850.
- I guess I shouldn't mention that the International Arctic Research Center reported that there was 29% more Arctic sea ice this year than last.
- The picture on the left is of New Zealand's Mt Ruapehu with its largest snow base ever (courtesy of snowboard-revolution.com).

I'm sure someone, somewhere is blaming humankind for this worldwide cooling that has been going on since 1998. But I don't want to alarm the alarmists. So whatever you do, don't look at the declining solar activity and other natural factors. That tends to make the 'humans as evil viruses on the planet' argument rather silly.

Is the Election Over Yet? Are We There Yet?

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I will be very surprised if Mr. J.M. wins over Mr. B.O. on Tuesday. For these past couple of months, every time I watch the news or listen to NPR, their unbiased reporting on the latest B.O. campaign rallies have been dangerously close to being nothing more than free commercials. Then, when the news stories do a J.M. sound bite, you get "Hi, I'm running for president" followed by "And next in the news, is J.M. causing cancer?"

Maybe some good will come from a President B.O. You know those people that complain how they've been kept down by the Man because of their skin color? And how their life is so terrible because they have a genetic tan and their ancestors were sold into slavery a few centuries ago --- which is kind of funny because they never talk about the part of where their African countrymen sold their relatives to Muslim slave traders who then sold these human wares to other Africans and Europeans. But this will all change after Tuesday. When these self-made victims whine and play the race card, you only have to show them a picture of their beloved president and ask, "So what's your excuse again?"

Musical Fences

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When my neighbor told me that his next home improvement project was going to be pvc fence installation, I expected the white picket fences made out of plastic that they have now. It looks quaint enough. But if you've ever tried to run past with a stick hitting every slat, it just doesn't have that same satisfying sound as the white, wooden picket fences.

That was a few days ago. When I arrived home from work today, I wasn't expecting to be greeted by a series of PVC piping of various diameters poking up along the edges of his property. The way that he had them connected together at their tops made his entire property look like it had become protected by a bizarre plumbing arrangement. I have to say that it is very eye-catching. And when you run past his new fencing with a stick striking every pipe, it sounds a lot like a melodic tune from a Blue Man group CD.

Tell Me How Cold I Will Go ...

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Ok. So the electric company has almost double my monthly bill this month. I'm not turning on the heat to my home yet as Autumn descends upon us. How cold it will have to be before I flip the switch? Read and tell me here...

A Stroll...er Through My Mind

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When I made my debut into the 1959 world of burgeoning innovations, my mother put me in a monstrously huge pram and showed me the sites of her world. Yes, I know that, as a baby, everything seems disproportionately big and then shrinks as you grow older. (In fact, lately I've noticed this shrinkage has been getting worse -- my bank account, my hair, my attention span. I've gotten to where I'm afraid to look at myself naked.) But back when I was a baby, well, if my pram had had a motor, I'm quite confident I could have given NASCAR a run for their money.

Fortunately, I was born into a very inventive age. Six years later in 1965, Owen Maclaren put his engineering talents to work and developed the first umbrella type stroller. I didn't know anything about it until twenty years later when my (now former) wife convinced me that we had to have one -- she was pregnant. So, it was my beautiful baby daughter who got to ride in this evolved Maclaren stroller.

Her baby carriage was a technological marvel that would have made you think of the Transformers. Reaching into the depths of our car, I would whip out a cane that had wheels at the end. With a flick of the wrist and a few sounds of "Eenk Ank Ornk Onk", my cane magically transformed into a magnificent stroller capable of carrying an adorable baby, parental life-support in the form of a 50 pound diaper bag and several sacks of groceries. (The "Eenk Ank Ornk Onk" was my modified scream as I sometimes clumsily pinched my fingers in the metal frame during its transformation. Those words were much preferred to the earthier phrases that my innocent child gleefully parroted after my first painful outburst. I wonder what Optimus Prime says when he pinched himself while transforming?)

Oh well, those sweet days of buggy rides are now gone. Perhaps when I'm in my eighties, I'll return to a stroller fitting my age. Hopefully, you'll find me throttling downhill in an adult sized hamster ball in pursuit of the sound barrier ...

McCain Roasts Obama ... Good time had by all

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Even though I don't have cable or satellite, my friends keep me up to date on the best entertainment shows. And, thanks to YouTube, a friend sent me videos about John McCain's hilarious roast of Barock Obama at a charity dinner event. In case you missed it, here is the first part:


I put the second part here

Update On The New Owners

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Back in March, I wrote about our new corporate masters taking over where I work. Back then, we refer to them as "liberators". Hopes were running high that all of our hard work would no longer be used solely to fill the bank accounts of the old owners. In fact, the new owners talk about rewards and bonuses. It felt good to go to work.

So here we are seven months later. There are fewer of us now and we're all working even harder to keep the business running. Aside from that, little has changed. Just new faces implementing even more discouraging work practices. I never expected employee morale to be lower than it was seven months ago. Yet we seem to have entered a second dismal basement that was attached to that first basement of employee despair.

Let me give you an example of what we're looking forward to at the moment. When Christmas rolls around this year, the plant will be closed and we will be unpaid for almost two weeks. It's going to be tough giving any one in corporate holiday card this year. I don't think there are any cards that say "Thanks for Ho, Ho, Ho'sing my Paycheck!" Or, "That lump was supposed to be in my children's stockings and not in my throat as I choked back the tears of trying to make ends meet."

There are probably very good explanations for what is going on at work. But no one in management is talking. More and more it seems to be about guys who own a business with workers as a necessary evil instead of a management team who are leading a group of motivated employees into rewarding ventures. Guess which one has a chance of being around years from now?

Sad But True

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One of Those Rare Days That I Can't Relive

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On one breathtaking autumn day, I traded the stuffy confines of my house for the Presidential Mountain Range of New Hampshire. My living room became a carpet of off white, golden yellows, deepening reds and dark greens. My walls and ceiling were transforming as a sunset darkened the heavenly blues of the sky and brought forth brilliant streaks of orange and violet in the clouds. My entertainment system had become the orchestrated drama of a life-giving sun slowly reaching down to kiss the twilight of the horizon. I sat in the home theater seating of a majestic mountain side as the thunderous songs of birds and crickets and frogs crescendoed into sudden silence as the last arc of sunlight slipped behind the end of an adventurous day. It was a moment that you want to live repeatedly but can only hope that the fuzzy memories of your mind will let you relive that the unspeakable joy in your spirit always.

Big Boy Pants: Then and Now

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Ah, the joys of aging as a guy. When we were little, getting to wear big boy pants meant that we had graduated from diapers. As our years cross the half-century mark, getting to wear big boy pants means that our waist has expanded beyond its youthful girth. Oh sure, we could slimmed-down. But nobody is making cheeseburger and beer diet pills. Think of all the money we would spend on those tasty treats. Sadly, the diet industry's loss is our gain... which explains our new big boy pants.

TED Spread said "I tried to warn you!"

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Have you ever heard of the TED spread? No, it's nothing pornographic or a reference to one of Congressman Barney Frank's special friends. In the futures trading arena, you monitor the difference between the interest rate on US Treasuries contracts (T-bills) and the London Inter Bank Offered Rate (LIBOR). This gives you an idea of how risky credit is in the general economy. T-bills are the risk-free standard while LIBOR relates to the credit risk of lending to commercial banks. The difference between the two rates is known as the TED spread (T-bills + EuroDollar futures contract). The greater the difference, the greater the belief that bank loans have become a riskier undertaking.

The TED spread had historically fluctuated between 0.1% and 0.5%. In 2007, it jumped to almost 2%. Last week while Congressman Frank reported that they had no warning about the impending financial meltdown, TED skyrocketed over 3.5%. Apparently, Mr. Frank forgot his participation in 2003 and 2004 congressional hearings on impending crisis situations with Fannie Mae and the banking industry. His take back then? "Crisis, there's no crisis" as he fought Republican attempts to impose more regulations on Fannie Mae.

Anyway, as I promised, the TED spread is nothing pornographic. The obscenity lies with those politicians who purposely ignore or, worse yet, seek profit from misfortune that falls on the rest of us.

In The End, I Saw The Rider On A Terrible Horse. His name was "Insurance Salesman"

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So ... people are worried that banks are going to stop lending them the money that these same people put in banks in the first place. Or so the news constantly reminds us lately. On this scary but unsubstantiated tidbit of information, investors are selling their stocks to put the money under the mattress and in jars that will be buried in the backyard. The only investment vehicle that looks good for a change is whole life insurance. Apparently, all this doom-and-gloom, end-of-the-world news has caused the demand for life insurance quotes to skyrocket. Insurance salesmen (and women) have been moved from the ranks of the Maytag repairmen into people in demand. Maybe this is the sign of the end times. I imagine we can expect reports of frosty weather descending upon the netherworld any day now.

How To Move Out Without Moving

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For several months now, my neighbor and his wife of many years have been arguing loudly. It's been so bad that guys driving cars with those oversized bass sound systems have been complaining.

This all changed last week when I saw one of those moving pods sitting in his front yard. My first thought was that they were getting a divorce and he was moving out. But I was mistaken. The reason he had been moving furniture and an entertainment system into it was because he had created his very own man cave. When things get a little intense with the misses, he simply retreats in his mini-abode that is complete with a refrigerator and soundproof walls.

He seems quite happy about his little getaway. I asked him if he was worried about the weather. But he contends that, when tethered to the ground, the pod will ride out a hurricane or several friends who have recently consumed his world-famous chili, cheese and beer bean casserole.

This seems like a great idea. Although I am waiting for them to have that ultimate fight. Afterwards, she waits until he falls asleep in his pod and has him shipped to the Antarctic.

Fighting Terrorism With Car Insurance

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Since the 9/11 attacks, it seems that personal privacy is fair game for businesses now. A few years ago, getting a car insurance quote was not a big deal, especially if you had a clean driving record. Now, it's not how well you drive but how well you live your life.

It's all about the background checks. Do you have less-than-perfect credit because of how you control your money? Well, obviously you can't control the gas and brake pedals very well either. Your dedicated insurance company will have to adjust your payments accordingly. Do you have a ticket for jay-walking? Well, if you can't move your legs properly to steer your body, how can you move your arms to steer your car? Another payment adjustment. Even if you have a spotless record, you're probably hiding some secret, un-America thought that makes you a hazard on the road -- that's the surcharge on your bill that your agent can't explain but 'has to be there'.

I don't know if the terrorists won. But I bet they're the ones driving without insurance...

Where Are the Prius Parts?

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Everything had finally come together for the cruise kit that we developed for the 2008 and 2009 Toyota Prius. Then on Tuesday, we get a call from the Port-of-Entry in Florida. Toyota has begun mid-year change on the 2009 Prius. A vital connector now won't mate with the brake switch in our kit.

So we've been scrambling to find the latest switch which is made in Italy. Oh sure, we have no problem locating Ferrari parts. After all, almost everyone I know is driving 599 GTB Fiorano. But parts for the Prius seem to be rarer than beef at a vegetarian convention.

The Port has come up with a method of splicing our switch into the 2009 harness in order to get the cars to the dealers. My company has some serious reservation about the safety of their method. Hopefully, tomorrow will find that reasonably thinking with prevail over greed so that we can develop a better fix for this crisis.

What Happened to Zeno?

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You might not know Zeno of Elea. I don't personally. He lived 2500 years ago and I wasn't around then (contrary to popular belief). We can thank him for inventing the constructive style of point-counterpoint arguments (which isn't to be confused with the hot air style of political debates), for creating the foundation of modern logic (rarely found in use by bureaucrats) and for paradoxes (a required characteristic of any elected official).

While Zeno's contributions seem to missing in government, business has at least made use of his name. Yet, it is beyond me why the name of a man important to the development of human intellect became Zeno, a questionable acne treatment. That's not a paradox. That's an absurdity.

When Gift Giving Goes Bad

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Since we develop cruise controls, we need access to the latest car models as soon as they enter the market. So my company has to maintain good relationships with various car dealerships in the area. Whenever a dealership gets a new manager, our application team will pay a visit and take a few promotional products -- golf balls, golf tees, and a large-sized T-shirt with the company's logo -- as a gesture of goodwill.

After this last goodwill mission, our team might start doing a little reconnaissance before handing out those goodies. Last week, when they visited a dealership, they met the new manager -- a 350-pound man who is confined to a wheelchair. This manager looked at the T-shirt could only fit his arm and the supplies for a sport he never plays. Without smiling, he said, "Thanks, guys. I'm going to make good use of these."

And so begins which should be a very interesting relationship...

Sitemeter.com down?

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I can't log into Sitemeter.com to check my stats or even report a problem. Is anyone else having this problem?