Trash Fairies

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I think my neighborhood is inhabited by magical trash fairies. Early today I placed my broken indoor furniture on the curb for the trash collection. Within hours, my "outdoor furniture" magically disappeared. Now there isn't a lot of traffic in my neighborhood. Yet somehow, my trash became some one else's treasure. I'm not complaining. I'm just glad that I wasn't asleep on that old couch when it vanished. Of course, if they left me behind, I could congratulate myself on not being "white trash."

Itchin' For A Vacation?

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A week ago I was in the throes of a much needed vacation. I got to have quality rest, good food, good company, and the chance to become a human buffet for several hundred hungry chiggers. Today is the first day that I didn't feel the need to scratch my legs and feet with a power sander.

The past seven days have been such torturous agony. Even the gentle glide of shower water on my legs would instantly become a maddening itch that I could not satisfy. I would have bathed using one of those industrial-strength steam cleaners to remove my lower limbs if it were possible. Of course, I would have been stumped as to how I would get around after that. Still, if I had a T-shirt that represent my vacation, it would read "I went camping and all I got was this irritating itch ... and this lousy T-shirt"

But today is a good one. So far I haven't had to bury my legs in gallons of lotion, anti-itch cream, and aloe gel. Today is almost like being on holiday from my vacation...

Why I Don't Have A Pet Dog

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At lunch, my friends were going on about their various dogs. You could see the love in their eyes as they talked about their intelligent pets --- animals who have no problem rushing to the door when the doorbell rings even though it's never for them. And then somebody asked the inevitable question, "So Ron, how come you don't have a dog?" Gee, I don't know. Some days, it's 16 hours before I return home. When I do pass through the comforting doorway of my homely sanctuary, the only thing on my mind is dinner and sleep. Unless I have a dog that is ready to be served up in a bun with mustard, I don't think I could give any pet the love and attention that it deserves.

Of course, I could go through my children's old toys and find one of their plastic dogs. In the morning, I would set him by the door ready to greet me when I returned home after a long day. Such a dog would be great at tricks. I could say, "roll over" as I toss him along on the floor. He would be perfect at playing dead. And for lively game of fetch, I would only have to toss him along with a stick.

Image what a great watchdog he would make! A quick grab to pick him up, yell "attack" and then a forceful fling of my plastic protector at the unwanted intruder. When I'm not at home, I can string him up by the door so that when somebody breaks in, he will swing down from above and smack them in the face. (The only difference between being an attack dog and playing fetch is whether someone ends up with a bump on the head or not.)

Yes, I know all pets need exercise. So by putting him on a leash, I can take him for an evening drag. To make sure that my special friend feels like he belongs with all the other dogs, I could stop ever so often and scoop up fake doggie doo (only $1.50 at your local gag store). Sadly, he wouldn't be able to stop and sniff trees to check the latest pee-mail. Oh well.

Nah, I'm not worried about having a pet right now. If I wanted the trials and tribulations of caring for needy, smelly living creature, I would have stayed married ...

I Need Another Vacation Now

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I realize that for most vacations to be successful you need to take half the clothes that you plan on wearing and spend half the money. So that's what I did last week. Success! The only way my much-needed vacation could have been better is if I taken twice the time off.

Sadly, today was my first day back at work. And in the midst of my chaotic job of playing catch-up, all I could think about was that relaxing ride in one of those soft, inflatable boats as my brother-in-law lazily pulled me along with his pontoon boat on the sunny Tennessee River. ::: sigh ::: It feels like today's overwhelming demands lasted much longer than those four days of sun and family fun of last week. Why is that?

RIP XP

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The first of July marked a sad day in the computer world. This was the first day that the effective, technologically proven operating system of Windows XP became unavailable to the world of hard-working computer users. On this day, productivity across the globe dipped. The only ones not mourning are the makers of the bloated, memory hogging system known as Vista and the producers of the ram (random access memory) modules. RIP XP ...

patents and locks

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What is the life of a patent, about 20 years? You would think that when Walter Schlage patented a simple key and lock mechanism almost a century ago, the patent would run out and everyone could freely use his invention. But here's how you get around that: take a design, make a minor change to it, you get a new patent. If your business can continue to hire intelligent workers for years to come, you can go several generations and corner the market on your unique idea.

At least, that was our company's plan with a inflation system for car seats. What we didn't expect was another company to come along with deep enough pockets to fund a gaggle of lawyers. They didn't have to invent a thing except the fabrication that our idea was their creation. Then it was a simple matter to eat away at our finances in court. Eventually we were faced with going bankrupt or paying royalties to this conquering company. We pay the royalties while allowing the product line languish and die.

So how is it that the Schlage keylock system is still a profitable patent? It seems that it was immensely successful when Walter started his business in the late 20s. And then in the 70s, his company was bought by the much larger enterprise, Ingersoll-Rand. Unfortunately, this business case does not seem to be the norm these days. so I have no idea how to protect a great idea from parasitic companies.

The Best Job In America

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Here it is, summer time in America and people's thought have turned to politics. Some have half a mind to run for public office and, fortunate for them, that's all it takes. Unlike some productive ventures (like starting a business), getting into a political franchise means you can raise money and pay it back in nothing but promises (or pay back nothing if you're a seasoned pro). To get elected takes hard work, kind of like creating a dog-and-pony show -- lots of flash and noise and cute animals while not really doing anything.

To succeed, make sure you loudly promote noble causes that you would never personally pay for. After all, you'll have access to everyone else's money once you're elected. Make sure to appeal to misplaced sense of social justice and promise all sorts of regulatory laws. Again, don't worry. As an public official, such ill convinced legislation doesn't apply to you. For example, you are immune from sexual discrimination claims and hiring quotas.

As you can see, a few months of baby kissing and generating enough hot air on the campaign trail to contribute to global warming can get you into the best job in America. Not only that but what other job gives you the potential to retire after only five years of service? Is America a great country or what?!

Bathroom Cam

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There's talk at work of cameras being put into the men's bathroom to make sure we're not goofing off. Some one with too much power and too much time on their hands thinks that there are too many trips being taken during the work day to the bathroom. But what do they expect? 50 guys, unlimited coffee, and only one bathroom with two stalls.

Often, it's like being part of a poker game. One man will walk in, see several of his workmates with crossed legs waiting their turn. He make the usual comment, "Look's like a full house!" Some one else will respond with, "If you wait, there'll be a straight flush!" If Randy, our openly gay worker, is in there, he'll add, "Oh no! It's goin' to be a royal flush!" He's such a queen. Then everyone will laugh and life goes on.

With cameras in the facility, I don't know what video cards game will be played now. There's talk of a "how many ways can you accidentally moon the camera?" contest. I think the winner gets a new job some where else.

How To Tell If Your Friends Respond To Spam E-mails

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Here we are in the 21st century and we're still getting spam e-mails about magic lotions that will enlarge certain parts of your anatomy and weight-loss creams that will shrink other parts of your body. Does anybody ever reply to these e-mails? You would think that people would ignore this spam because the products might not work. I think people wouldn't respond to these e-mails on the possibility that these products would work! In the case of the lotions of enlargement, wouldn't your friends be a little suspicious when one of your hands become twice the size of a normal hand? For those using a weight loss cream, you would know as soon as you reached out to and shook their Barbie-doll sized hand...

Livin' Cheap

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In my last post, I entertained the possibility of having to live in the back lot of my work place. It wouldn't be too bad. There is a shower room in the plant and the break room has a refrigerator and a microwave. I would have to be outside by 6 in the evening when the building is locked up for the night. Not a problem since I would have another small cardboard box and an overturned pail for my patio furniture / dining room. The evening would be spent viewing hi-def reality until it was time for bed. In the morning, it's a 2 second commute to work, assuming some snail hasn't jackknifed in the path and tied up traffic leading to the entrance way. Otherwise, a new, inexpensive day begins.

Giving My 2 Cents For A Penny

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What better way to spend a sunny weekend than wrestling with the budgetary incomes and out-goes of my life. I can certainly think of several better ways. But I've been putting off this task long enough. The bad news is that, if my financial situation doesn't improve soon, I may find myself living in a heavy-duty cardboard box, in the back lot behind where I work. The good news is I know are where to find several of those heavy-duty cardboard boxes.

I don't want to think of myself as poor. And it would very self-defeating to think of myself as needy. To call myself underprivileged would really be over the top. Perhaps I could toot that I'm not completely destitute. And even though I don't seem to have any apparent advantages to work with, I am slightly better than disadvantaged. Whatever you want to call my situation, the money just isn't there. Although my vocabulary seems rather rich. Anyone got change for word?

Don't Treadmill On Me

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As my body closes in on the half-century mark, it seems to be losing its svelte form. I know part of the problem is that I should become more physically active. In fact, I am fortunate that my TV and refrigerator are so far apart from each other, otherwise I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A friend suggested I get a treadmill. But that makes as much sense as getting a stairmaster -- several minutes of walking and you're still right where you started. If I'm going to spend half an hour of continuous leg movement, I better arrive at some place very important. Like a bakery or a micro brewery.

It's not that I have anything against treadmills. I just think that people are using them in boring ways. Ideally, you need a minimum of four treadmills in order to use them to their full potential as shown here:


I believe that learning this dance could be a very helpful skill to know, especially if you get attacked by a mugger in an alley full of treadmills. You'll definitely never thwart a mugger's attack in an alley full of stairmasters.

Can Some Things Be Too Thin?

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Eons ago (in terms of how fast technology advances. Actually it was this past January.), Sony brought forth upon the gadget-starved world an OLEP (organic light emitting display) television that was as thick as three credit cards. Coincidentally, three credit cards are exactly what you need to max out to purchase this rather expensive piece of electronics whenever it is made available to the public.

This week Sony outdid themselves as they revealed their next generation of yet to be released OLEP televisions. This one is thinner than one credit card or one ABS unit (Ally McBeal sideways). While I applaud these advances in home entertainment displays, this TV is just a paper cut waiting to happen when someone goes to clean their brand-new set. This may explain why Sony is recommending to potential customers that they add a well-stocked medical kit to their home theater furniture.

Want To See A Picture of My Pride and Joy?

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Today's phrase is "Snapfish coupons". Aside from saying that I'm having a whale of a time as I write about this on porpoise, I've got nothing. Why anyone would need a coupon to buy a snap fish is beyond me. What is a snap fish? What does it look like? How do you cook it? I tried looking it up online but only found a site full of cutesy kids and surly cats. Worst yet was that this site wanted to charge to make copies of these peoples' prides and joys. I guess if someone is going to guilt you into looking at pictures of their ugly, booger-eating kids, they should pay a price for your pain and suffering. That's why I enjoy saying, "Do you want to see a picture of my pride and joy?" And then I show them this:

Is The Task Simple? No, Only I Am.

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Why does simple task always turn into the most time-consuming, wallet-draining, profanity-inducing event in our already crisis laden lives? I thought, and maybe that was my first mistake, that I would fix my kitchen faucet's year old tiny leak. I had put off the repair for several months because I knew that winter would eventually arrive. If it brought any sub zero temperatures, I would already have a dripping faucet in place to keep the pipes from freezing. (It's not procrastination. Just good planning!) And now it's almost summer. I've been assured (by the news media and a few scientists whose grant money is dependent upon proving human-caused global warming) that future winters have been replaced by a lengthy autumn.

So I thought I would start out this Memorial Day weekend with a little home repair work. Besides, how complicated can kitchen faucets be -- a pipe, a metal ball with a few holes, and a couple of washers. I questioned my simpleton confidence only after I realized the faucet had been assembled during World War II and had not been taken apart since. My plumbing tools now expanded to include WD-40 and a sledgehammer. The real fun began when I reached under the sink to turn off the water supply. Where shutoff valves should have been, I found welded pipe. Eventually I found the shutoff valve or rather, its location --- outside, housed in a cement ring. The handle to the valve was conveniently protected from easy access by at least a foot of dirt that had accumulated from years of muddy rain washing into the ring. It's never a good thing when plumbing involves the use of a shovel.

Sometimes the easiest way to fix something is rename the situation. Thanks to my previous repair attempt, the drips are now an ever increasing flow of water. So this Memorial Day weekend, it can be said that I "built" my very own kitchen fountain. All I need to do now is buy flood insurance.

Making Our Own Words

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Vox is a Latin word for voice. Lips are what we use to shape that voice into something intelligent. At least that's what we hope for as we review those sounds going in and out of our head. Yet you couldn't refer to that process as lipovox reviews. It turns out that Lipovox is a pill that's supposed to help you not put more food past your lips then you really need to. It has nothing to do with your voice assuming you don't talk when you have a mouth full of food. For such people, you need lipolocks.

No Riots To Report In January

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I wrote this post in January but have kept it private as I agonized over making it public. The last thing I want to do is upset someone who was born without a sense of humor. Usually they're the ones who make up for their defect by introducing you to their lawyer or their gun collection. So last week, I showed my private work to friends whom this post might affect. They laughed and encouraged me to publish it. Ok then. There shouldn't be any law suits or gun play. Besides, enough time has passed since January that the humorless won't get this.

Anyway, near my home is a florist run by an elderly couple. Nice people but sometimes you have to wonder if they should just retire and grow plants instead of dealing with the public every day. In mid January of this year, they advertised the most unusual of arrangements -- a bouquet of fluffy cotton, colorfully adorned with tiny yellow, red and violet flowers. I don't think that they realize the timing of this floral offering because nothing says "Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day" better than a bouquet of cotton when given in the South. The scary part was they also had watermelon scented candles in the shape of a cross for sale. Surprisingly, no one associated their merchandise with January's governmentally mandated MLK holiday. No riots took place. Just an incident by some confused people who were against picketing but didn't know how to show it.

So all is well. It was simply my warped humor that put two innocent events together. I understand that the candles sold very well during Easter...

Where Did My Future Goodies Go?

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In 1976, our English teacher had us celebrated of the bicentennial year. Her idea of a festive activity was making us write a paper to put in a time capsule. I have a feeling that time capsule was actually the trash can next to her desk. Still, we had a lot of fun predicting what would take place in 25 years.

Many of us thought we would all have jet packs and eat meals that were nothing more than pills. Some of my pot smoking friends express their hopes in the legalization of marijuana. Personally I thought that would be a bad combination. The last thing that I would want to see is one of my stoned friends jetting through the air while downing a super-size bottle of food pills. (Although "jetting" is probably the wrong term. "Hovering while being awed by pushes from the wind" would be more accurate.)

So here we are in the 21st century and, I have to wonder, what happened? The only jet pack around is on the back of one lucky employee of Disney's Epcot Center. The government hasn't figured out how to make money by legalizing pot. And the only pills remotely related to food are fancy-named diet pills, which may help if you get the munchies by less-than-legal means.

The future looked bright. We tried to wear shades. But we're not where we thought we would be. That's ok. For the most part, I think we've got it made.

How Not Make It To Your Next Birthday

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I'm sure everyone enjoys a good practical joke every now and then (for some reason, according to a recent study, most everyone prefers playing them as opposed to being on the receiving end. Where is your sense of humor, people?). So in this time of stress and bad news, let me offer you a few pranks or, as I like to call them, things-to-do-so-that-you-don't-make-it-to-your-next-birthday.

Most women say that they love a guy with a sense of humor. So let's show them what a funny guy you really are when you boil a pair of their best high heels in hot water and then drying them in the oven. Guaranteed to shrink their shoes by almost one size.

For your automotive-loving friends, sneak over to their house in the dead of night and put Ford grills on their Chevy trucks. I would suggest putting a Chevy Grill on a Ford truck but the purpose of any practical joke is not to improve the situation or be practical.

The next time your friends invite you over to a party, bring gifts. Toilet paper dusted with itching powder is always a favorite especially if you've added Ex-Lax to the chocolate dip. Fill an empty toothpaste tube with Orajel (or any numbing gel) and leave it on their bathroom sink. This will leave them speechless.

I have many, many more but I'm sure these are more than enough to help you reach hermit status.

I'm Sorry

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Of all the appliances in my home, I probably should appreciate my water heater more. In fact, I should know better. A few years ago, the warmth disappeared from our close, watery relationship when the heating elements died. Eighteen months went by before I had the heart and, more importantly, the funds to buy a new water heater. During that time apart, I heated buckets of water and took baths camper style in my tub. Adapt and adopt, don't you know! Finally the day arrived when I installed a new water heating tank. My first shower was as close to heaven as you can get while remaining alive. Since then, I have drifted to the thankless state of taking my hot water for granted. If my liquid warmth disappears again, my most deepest appreciation will return along with one of those tankless water heaters. After all, it's a tankless job but something has to do it...