say what?

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I've been using Dragon Naturally Speaking as a great method of generating correspondence, notes, and my blog posts. However, I think that I might have been using it too much lately. I caught myself ending a conversation with a friend with the words "close parentheses period". Of course, saying "L O L" didn't help either.

Look! Up in the Sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a ... ouch!

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You can track the crash-and-burn of a mult-million dollar UARS satellite (a name that sounds like an insult yelled by someone with a british accent) at http://reentrynews.aero.org/19

Just remember: duck at the right time and have your lawyer on speed-dial.


UPDATE: So now the above link is a dead one, presumably along with the satellite. It made a fiery plunge to the earth a few hours ago, but no one knows where any of flaming metal landed. At least, no one at NORAD (who can track baseball sized objects) is saying.

However, a Parisian amateur astronomer, Thierry Legault, did capture the slow spinning of the space craft. "The satellite appears to be tumbling, perhaps because a collision with satellite debris a few years ago," Legault told Spaceweather.com.

Arrrrrr! Or, what comes after Q and before S?

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Yes, you probably already know this. Today is "Talk like a Pirate" Day. Well, shiver me knotty timbers, I've got wood from all of the excitement of trying to imitate yester-year's heros (or boat-jacking thugs, depending upon which side of the scimitar you were on). It's gotten to be such a popular event that I expected Apple to release yet another award-winning device today --- the iPatch. Arrrrrrrrr .....

get rich quick ... just not you

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Here's a gem from the great humorist mind of Michael Ramirez:

I want to point out a flaw in comparing Social Security to a ponzi scheme. Many forget this important distinction between the two. In a ponzi scheme, you give up your hard-earned money to a fraud voluntarily ...

careful what you suggest

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Today, I read and saw such an emotional outpouring on TV and the Internet.  Did people express this much sentiment on December 7th, 1951?   I don't know.  I do know that when you gather the family around the game table tonight, you probably don't want to suggest that they play Jenga.

have you ever seen ...

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The days have begun their fall-time descent into coolness. Sadly, we must now say good-bye to all of those lovely tattoos prominently displayed on the lower backs of our summer-time beauties.

I enjoyed watching the gallery of interesting artwork as it seductively paraded by. Each exotic graphic enticingly shown by women whose pant's belt height won out over any sense of modesty.

In spite of these numerous tattoos, I have yet to see the ultimate tramp stamp - a portrait of Charlie Chaplin, gleefully grinning from his envious perch just above that shapely behind.

surprise ...

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Is there anything worse than finding out your boss has changed your work requirements five minutes before quitting time on Friday? When I logged in tonight after a long grueling day of two jobs, I discovered a new assignment … due tonight!

I have no idea if Web-Est.com auto collision estimating software will meet the needs of any of my readers. So, give the site a shot. Let me know what it does for you. I'll post the results here.

Adopt, adapt, and improve. Sometimes there are circumstances you can only go with the flow on and hope for the best.

our gracious overlords know what's best for us

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I read one of those silly conspiratorial reports that the government has been putting fluoride in our water to make us complacent. I don't know why but I don't care.

as if I could give a sheet

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Apparently, the expression "three sheets to the wind" has naval origins. When the wind pushed on two sheets attached to the mast of a boat, the seaworthy craft will move forward in a relatively stable manner. Three sheets, however, move the boat in an erratic fashion, similar to a sailor who had one too many delicious mai tais.

Since the trappings of a rich neighborhood are on one side of me and the not-so-wealthy residents border the other side, I get to see extremes. When a wealthy resident staggers home through our neck of the woods, their windy three sheets are of yves delorme quality. You can tell this when they trip over a blade of grass. Our inebriated friends awkwardly kiss the ground while gracefully extending their pinky finger to the sky.

My economically challenged neighbors will be more of a Wal-mart quality sheets to the wind. They will trip over that same blade of grass.  While mother Earth rudely impedes their progress to the center of the planet, they extending a different finger than the pinky. For some reason, this finger is associated with birdlike qualities. I can only assume is that it is because it gives our feathered friends a place to perch in the early hours of a new day.

I just want you to know that I do give a sheet. Still, my blanket apologies to anyone who might be offended.

I think my congressman cares

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After the President's speech last night, I received an e-mail from my congressman. The subject line was:

Subject: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: The Buck

I'm sure he has my interests at heart, but I still have this uneasy feeling ....

gambling on less stress

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Some dangerous signs of extreme stress in men are depression and racing thoughts. This might explain my recent obsession with low places and NASCAR. If my favorite driver (that is, the one I'm betting on to win a particular race) takes a lengthy pit stop just when he's about to win, that would be my heart attack in the making.

At one time, I thought it would be helpful for me to track my money, I mean, my favorite driver at each lap. I would use my cell phone as a barcode scanner and point it at the car's barcode each time it whizzed by me. My phone did a great job. It accurately showed how fast I was losing my bets. So I gave up my cell phone to stop my losing streak.

Please understand, I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to standing next to an oval shaped roadway along with thousands of screaming, drunk people. Or, as I like to call them, my support group.

downside to adapt, adopt, and improving

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Sometimes you have to bury your true self deep within so that you can survive the impossible moment, or the ridiculous job, or that unnecessarily complicated relationship. It's not that you want to lie to your nature and yourself. Sometimes, you just have to do what is needed to keep the peace and make it through an unbearable situation with as little damage to everyone as possible.

This doesn't mean you have to stay hidden. With your depressed thoughts and dark emotions cloaked in an outward appearance of happiness and joy, you can plan. You can bid your time. You can survive. All you have to do is endure ...

a tablet is not a miniature table

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If there ever was an award for the biggest sales tease, it would have to go to HP and their tablets. A couple of weeks ago, HP announced they were going out of the tablet business and heavily discounted their $500 iPad-like device for $140. Within a matter of a few hours, stores around the world told the consumer masses, "Sorry, we ran out." These are the times I really hate the speed of information flow on the Internet.

Yes, I know. There are other systems out there like the Asus Tablet Canada but no one is selling at the low, low, HP marketing madness price.

Of course, there is my favorite --- the stone tablet, as long as you don't take that for granite either.

Part 2 of "Early signs of dementia or just too many years of frustration?"

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Refer to part 1 of my earlier post for the link to the actual article these posts are based on. Otherwise ... hey, you kids! Get off of my blog!

"Early sign of dementia #2: Problems with executive functioning

Trouble carrying out basic, familiar tasks can creep up slowly but surely. The person may, for example, have difficulty doing something that involves multiple steps, like following written directions or instructions. A longtime cook may avoid complicated recipes. A hobbyist may simplify the form of his or her craft.

Other hallmark trouble areas: making plans and not following through, whether for a vacation or an activity. Not tracking bills."

So, there you are, minding your own business, trying to carry out your important tasks while dealing with countless interruptions. Who wouldn't finally give up and avoid complicated recipes? What hobbyist hasn't simplified his or her craft with a few well-placed strokes of a hammer? If you're not going to get a moment's peace, you might as well shorten the task and create a few pieces.

Not able to follow through on vacation plans? Surprised? As you cross that century mark, try and count the number of plans you've unable to follow through on. I bet you run out of fingers and toes --- yours and the ones of the people you made plans with --- to make that count.

Not tracking bills? That's probably because you've discovered ... THE SECRET. Here it is for the rest of you. Once a month, place your bills onto the launch pad of a skeet shooter. Just BEFORE you yell "Pull!", fire your gun into the papery pile of perplexing preponderances, THEN yell "Pull!". See?! Nothing to track.

Ignore those hidden costs behind the curtain!

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Back in 1998, I built our company's first tester system that used a laser barcode scanner to track production parts. Upper management loved how parts could be quickly traced through the plant. Quality loved it because it eliminated a lot of hand-written notes.

The scanner cost $500 then, which would be about $1,000,000 now (or a little less). Today, I could buy that barcode reader for $150 ... if they would let me. But no. That would go against our new company motto: "You can't make money if you have to spend it."

Not a problem. Last month, we still had to build a tester that would read bar codes. So we did the next best thing. We took an old, obsolete web cam and wrote a program to convert the bar code image into text. TA-DA! As of last week, the investors and upper management are making mo' money, mo' money, mo' money ... as long as you don't count the hundreds of hours we spent developing the system from scratch. Because that's just good business sense not to!

Hurricane Irene

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It's official! Sand blowing in your face is painful! At least, that's what EVERY news person standing on the NC beach has reported, repeatedly, for the past hour. Whose says our news stations aren't informative.

Here at my home, I'm seeing torrential outbursts and blustery gust of hot air ... this stuff on C-SPAN is amazing. Oh, and hurricane Irene isn't too bad either. Is it possible that Irene just out-stimulated anything Obama and Congress have tried?

According to my neighbor's radio, the wind is blowing at 55 miles per hour. At least, that's my guess as it and his lawn furniture went flying across my yard.

In any case, I want to send my sincerest sympathies to anyone named Irene right now. Don't worry. The repetitive teasing and jokes should end shortly. On the bright side, at least you weren't named Hurricane.

iRene: the last hurrah for Steve Jobs...

SEMA 2011

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Once again our sales team is abuzz about the world famous automotive trade show, SEMA. In less than six weeks, they get to fly to Las Vegas and spend four days showing off products that we haven't fully developed yet. Then they return and we'll hear four weeks about the terrible time our sales guys had with late-night parties, eating exotic foods on the company’s dime, and being hit on by beautiful booth babes.

Right now, to prepare for this horrendous ordeal, our sales team is practicing by having countless meetings. These meetings consist of them asking us why complex pop displays and demo systems aren't ready, even though we got a blurry, handwritten sketch just the other day. Several times during this time-sink session, we get to hear, “Oh, by the way, could you add yet another feature / remove a feature / completely redo an entire multifaceted fixture without spending any money or time? That’s a dear, thanks.”

We can't wait for them to leave. If we are lucky this year, the entire team will be kidnapped by a marauding band of senior citizens and sold for spare change. One can only hope.

Fun with the Sales team

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We've done a lot of work with brand name company to set up their touring line of motorcycles with our cruise controls. To get their business, our sales team felt it necessary to sell our intricate cruise systems to this brand-name business at our manufacturing cost. In other words, after two years of sales, we ain't making a plugged nickel on this little venture.

Still, you have to give our sales team a little credit for their strategy. They successfully convinced our upper management that selling our system with $0 profit was a good thing. They promised that, in two years, the brand name company would sell our cruise line as an add-on to their ATV Parts list and we could raise our prices to profitable levels. A lot has changed in two years, just not the ATV venture.

Our sales team received a good bonuses because of that deal. The rest of us put in long, unpaid hours. Only one of Scott Adams' Dilbert cartoon can truly capture the moment:

Early signs of dementia or just too many years of frustration? Part 1

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I've been a little concerned about my memory lapses of late. My mind might not be the most wonderful thing about me, but it helps keep me from wandering naked through the neighborhood. Still, recent times have found me forgetting the names of people I've known for years, as well as those occasional mental train wrecks of thoughts that seem to have mysteriously jumped the track into oblivion.

So I happened to come across an article called "5 Signs of Alzheimer's That Sometimes Show up Before Memory Loss". But as I read them, it seemed that these signs also sounded like the symptoms of people overwork, overstressed, and overtired from accumulated years of work, stress, and weariness.

For example:

Early sign of dementia #1: Personality change

A warm, friendly loved one may seem to morph into a bit of a grouch -- at first occasionally, and then increasingly. A gregarious person still jokes and talks a lot but begins to say inappropriate things or make odd accusations. A mild-mannered loved one begins cursing. All of these are examples of the kinds of personality changes that can predate memory loss in someone with dementia. Often, it's only later that friends and family look back and realize that behaviors they found off-putting or upsetting weren't intentional but related to the Alzheimer's.

Is this Alzheimer's or the result of one too many straws of frustration piling on the back of an otherwise patient camel?

I used to be quite patient and tolerant of inconveniences and costly mistakes that others put me through. Locked your keys in the car for the 20th time? That's ok. Let me drive across three states and help you out. Wipe out my bank account? No problem, it's only money.

Lately, however, I've found my patience running short. Perhaps it is because I'm beginning to realize that I just don't have the time to deal with others' repeated mistakes that they expect me to fix. Suddenly, I seem to have a lot less life than I used to have. (I know everything is getting taxed more but this is ridiculous.) Maybe it's because I'm reflecting on all that I gave up of myself to accommodate the needs and comforts of countless unappreciative people. Aging is such a high price for maturity and right now I want to throw a major temper tantrum. (I would but I would probably end up throwing out my back instead.)

Hey Y'all, Watch This

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In the annals of famous last words, "Hey y’all, watch this!" ranks right at the top if you live in my neck the woods. The instant we hear this phrase uttered, we’re immediately torn between fleeing for our lives and remaining where we are as the morbid fascination of watching a train wreck consumes us.

My friend walked up to our table in the lunchroom and announced in his slow Southern drawl, "Hey y’all, watch this!" We all instinctively cringed a bit and gave him our reluctant attention. He then showed his arm over the middle of our table and showed us his brand-new watch, a michael kors watch to be exact. His wife had bought him the first piece piece of real jewelry that didn't involve string or plated tin. And being the wise guy that he is, he couldn’t resist the “watch this” phrase.

Great! No one got hurt. Funny. Real funny.