Walking is nothing more than the human art of controlled falling while keeping one foot on the ground. Running is nothing more repeated controlled falls while starting with both of your feet in the air. Throw a ball into this acrobatic mix with the intentions of being graceful and you have a soccer match.
I say "intentions of being graceful" because I was a member of the most awkward gang in high school – our soccer team. Our gang sign was a pair of crossed crutches and a signed cast. Great gang symbol until our coach decided to invest in some preventive maintenance.
After one particular grueling game that looked more like the reenactment of the Civil War battle that a soccer match, our thoughtful coach gave us supportive footwear to add our protective uniform. Thus, ankle brace soccer was born.
From then on, not only did our doctor bills drop but we also began to win matches. It wasn't due to any sudden technical prowess in our gaming skills. Our talented opponents could still run circles around us (as well as straight lines). However, our soccer foes didn't count on dangerous encounter with a pair of armored ankles at the end of unpredictable legs. Our feet suddenly became unintentional weapons of mass distraction and destruction. We “beat” our opponents … repeatedly during the match … with unexpected gyrations of our semi-controllable limbs.
By the end of the season, several of the opposing teams either had armed themselves or ran out of healthy players. Either way, everybody, including the high school bullies, feared for their safety and stayed out of our way. This is great until prom came along.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
pauses that refresh
Yes, I know the my significant other and I might be been together longer than we realize. Our conversations sometimes have the long pauses that aren't caused from checking those seemingly compulsive handheld devices. This is a good! For one thing, we can't text "I luv u" "i luv u mor" "no, i do" "nid" "what's nid?" "no, i do" "nid 2 u" "nid urself"
note: "mor" is the new "more" of text speak. idk sometimes..
note: "mor" is the new "more" of text speak. idk sometimes..
The Latest Gadgets Of Technology
You probably know that trail cameras are great little devices. You strap one of these high-tech objects to your forehead and record all the other natural objects slapping your face as you fly along those adventurous paths in the woods. You can also watch your recorded videos later and prove to your friends that a mean-spirited tree did in fact jump into your way. You can even replay over and over and over and over those moments when you caused monstrous logs to tumble into huge ponds of water, drenching you in the process.
Lately, these ingenious cameras have gotten so miniature and so inexpensive that doctors are using them to diagnose digestive problems. So now, you can ingest a trail mix camera and record all the other natural objects that slap your insides as your food flies along adventurous paths in your G.I. track. In the end, your doctor can replay those moments when you caused monstrous logs to tumble into huge ponds of water, drenching you in the process - but this time for a good cause.
Lately, these ingenious cameras have gotten so miniature and so inexpensive that doctors are using them to diagnose digestive problems. So now, you can ingest a trail mix camera and record all the other natural objects that slap your insides as your food flies along adventurous paths in your G.I. track. In the end, your doctor can replay those moments when you caused monstrous logs to tumble into huge ponds of water, drenching you in the process - but this time for a good cause.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
All American Strategies
Yesterday, Fayetteville won the "All American City" award. The other cities in the contest were angry, jealous, and claimed that Fayetteville cheated.
Cheated? Ok, last week, Kenny G and Michael Bolton did play at Fayetteville's Coliseum for one night only. Apparently, having Kenny and Michael leave your town is all it takes to suddenly look like the best city in America.
That's not cheating. That's brilliant marketing. "We're so good, we can repeal Kenny G and Michael Bolton." Las Vegas can't say that and they didn't win. Why? Look how many times the singing duo visit the Sin City. I rest my case!
Cheated? Ok, last week, Kenny G and Michael Bolton did play at Fayetteville's Coliseum for one night only. Apparently, having Kenny and Michael leave your town is all it takes to suddenly look like the best city in America.
That's not cheating. That's brilliant marketing. "We're so good, we can repeal Kenny G and Michael Bolton." Las Vegas can't say that and they didn't win. Why? Look how many times the singing duo visit the Sin City. I rest my case!
Weep not for Mr. Weiner
Are you worried about the recent resignation of Congressman Anthony Weiner? After all, he is only 46 and had a long, promising career ahead of him. Unfortunately, he had step down from office after making public pictures of his congressional staff. Had it been you or I who posted pictures of our private parts in a similar fashion, we would've wound up in prison (unless we could have proven that our photos were actually government-funded art).
Yes, I know why you might be worried about this aspiring young man. Your concern may have arisen because you have learned how the retirement age will jump to 67 if you are 62 or younger in 2022. Mr. Wiener will only be 57 in that year, a full decade short of retirement. So very sad, indeed.
But wait! Let's not forget that Mr. Wiener is, or was, a member of Congress. According to the National Taxpayers Union, he gets to retire at 56 with an almost well-deserved pension of $1.12 million. Hurray!
I'm sure you're brimming with concern as you think, "But he's not 56, he's 46! What if he can't work any more? Will he be covered by social security disability insurance (SSDI)?" While I think you're getting a little carried away here, let me try and answer.
One of the requirements to get this insurance is that you can no longer do the work that you did previously. I think we can rest assured that Anthony won't be getting elected anytime soon.
Another requirement for SSDI, is that you can't adjust to other work because of your medical condition(s). Mr. Wiener may have fell from grace, but he is a former congressman. I’m sure calling in a couple of political favors from his medical buddies will fix this. They only need to attest that political embarrassment is a debilitating medical condition - one that will last more than a year. And it's already resulted in his political death (death being one more criteria to meet).
No, I think you are quite safe in not worrying about Anthony's financial future. Unlike the millions of us who have a bleak Social Security future, Mr. Wiener is just another sad congressional member who will make good on the greatest Ponzi scheme in history. So will you please stop your misplaced worrying?!
Yes, I know why you might be worried about this aspiring young man. Your concern may have arisen because you have learned how the retirement age will jump to 67 if you are 62 or younger in 2022. Mr. Wiener will only be 57 in that year, a full decade short of retirement. So very sad, indeed.
But wait! Let's not forget that Mr. Wiener is, or was, a member of Congress. According to the National Taxpayers Union, he gets to retire at 56 with an almost well-deserved pension of $1.12 million. Hurray!
I'm sure you're brimming with concern as you think, "But he's not 56, he's 46! What if he can't work any more? Will he be covered by social security disability insurance (SSDI)?" While I think you're getting a little carried away here, let me try and answer.
One of the requirements to get this insurance is that you can no longer do the work that you did previously. I think we can rest assured that Anthony won't be getting elected anytime soon.
Another requirement for SSDI, is that you can't adjust to other work because of your medical condition(s). Mr. Wiener may have fell from grace, but he is a former congressman. I’m sure calling in a couple of political favors from his medical buddies will fix this. They only need to attest that political embarrassment is a debilitating medical condition - one that will last more than a year. And it's already resulted in his political death (death being one more criteria to meet).
No, I think you are quite safe in not worrying about Anthony's financial future. Unlike the millions of us who have a bleak Social Security future, Mr. Wiener is just another sad congressional member who will make good on the greatest Ponzi scheme in history. So will you please stop your misplaced worrying?!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Big news today ...
A hot, 25 year old woman decided to not marry an ancient but rich 85 year old. In other news, my teenage daughter woke up in an unusually great mood this morning. She also heard that Hugh Hefner is now available again ...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Pay a visit, please
The pitiful economic times for my artistically talented sister and her husband have gotten worse. Fortunately, her finances are forcing my sister to pursue a dream that she would have done much earlier in her life, had she had the self confidence necessary to do so. She is finally putting her amazing art works on display and, for a price, you too can own one of this priceless paintings.
For the moment, I quickly created a web site for her, "Visions By Simonne", so she can get some Internet expose. You don't have to buy anything, but if you find yourself enjoying her works, please leave a comment to encourage her. Thanks!
For the moment, I quickly created a web site for her, "Visions By Simonne", so she can get some Internet expose. You don't have to buy anything, but if you find yourself enjoying her works, please leave a comment to encourage her. Thanks!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A tad busy, you say?
Six weeks ago, I survived a needless traveling expense and appearance in divorce court. Four weeks ago, I had a much happier (though just as stressful and costly) time as I traveled again across three states for my son's high school graduation. Two weeks ago, my Memorial day "holiday" was filled with work -- no rest for the wicked. Last week was filled with my step daughter's family visiting and her high school graduation, with yet more time and money spent on the affairs of others. Today, the leak under my kitchen sink is nearing flood stage level. And tomorrow, I'm supposed to somehow work "table rock lake real estate at pinnshores.com" into a post.
Don't worry about me. I think of something to do....
Don't worry about me. I think of something to do....
Saturday, June 04, 2011
P-P-P-Poker Face
On TV, for the gratification of lazy, Sunday viewers, one channel showed the Ultimate Poker Championship Finals. Almost as bad as watching people fish, yet I couldn't help but watch as these five people held small, stiff cards sit for stretches of time -- completely motionless and expressionless.
It was the lack of expression that got me. I certainly couldn't do it. I'm sure not many can.
So, if you do make it into the Poker Championship, is there any form of drug testing? Would the use of botox be considered doping?
It was the lack of expression that got me. I certainly couldn't do it. I'm sure not many can.
So, if you do make it into the Poker Championship, is there any form of drug testing? Would the use of botox be considered doping?
Friday, June 03, 2011
Target ... Practice?
My rather burly neighbor is an avid hunter and fanatic fan of Target stores. Unfortunately, he also isn’t the brightest crayon in the knife drawer.
The other day, I found him armed with his shotgun, pinning several Target coupons on the clothesline. For some reason, he thought the 10%, 20%, and 50% markings on the coupons refer to the size of the hole that a good marksman can blasted in these valuable pieces of paper. I guess challenged is as challenged does.
One day, I accompanied him to Target (he’s not that kind of person you can easily say “no” to). As soon as we arrived in the parking lot, he slammed his truck in park, and jumped out of the cab like a man on a life-or-death mission. He then stuck out his arm, clenched his massive fist, and pointed his hairy thumb upwards. He sighted the store’s entrance along his human digital gun sight. With an impressive sprint for a man for his bulk, my special neighbor shoot himself towards the entry way. His repeated screams of “Target practice!” helped motivate surprised adults and scared children to leap out of his focused jaunt.
Apparently, he hadn’t had enough target practice. He missed the clearly marked entrance and ricocheted off an adjacent brick wall. Dazed, he staggered back 20 feet and shook his shaggy head. Then, up came his hefty arm with that thumb pointing skyward. Another yell and he launched himself at the doors, scoring a perfect bull's-eye.
I’m sure this would have been an awe-inspiring entry into Target … had the automatic doors opened with the speed necessary for the onrush of such a loyal lunatic. Of course, maybe he meant to strike the immovable center of the Target logo with his outstretch fist, stopping the momentum of his speeding body by crumpling his arm and falling to the ground. Having the doors then slide open was pure poetry. “Welcome to Target!”
The other day, I found him armed with his shotgun, pinning several Target coupons on the clothesline. For some reason, he thought the 10%, 20%, and 50% markings on the coupons refer to the size of the hole that a good marksman can blasted in these valuable pieces of paper. I guess challenged is as challenged does.
One day, I accompanied him to Target (he’s not that kind of person you can easily say “no” to). As soon as we arrived in the parking lot, he slammed his truck in park, and jumped out of the cab like a man on a life-or-death mission. He then stuck out his arm, clenched his massive fist, and pointed his hairy thumb upwards. He sighted the store’s entrance along his human digital gun sight. With an impressive sprint for a man for his bulk, my special neighbor shoot himself towards the entry way. His repeated screams of “Target practice!” helped motivate surprised adults and scared children to leap out of his focused jaunt.
Apparently, he hadn’t had enough target practice. He missed the clearly marked entrance and ricocheted off an adjacent brick wall. Dazed, he staggered back 20 feet and shook his shaggy head. Then, up came his hefty arm with that thumb pointing skyward. Another yell and he launched himself at the doors, scoring a perfect bull's-eye.
I’m sure this would have been an awe-inspiring entry into Target … had the automatic doors opened with the speed necessary for the onrush of such a loyal lunatic. Of course, maybe he meant to strike the immovable center of the Target logo with his outstretch fist, stopping the momentum of his speeding body by crumpling his arm and falling to the ground. Having the doors then slide open was pure poetry. “Welcome to Target!”
Saturday, May 28, 2011
how you doin'?
I think it's important to get little feedback from your customers – be it your boss or people who pay you for doing odd jobs. This important quality-control check of your services ensures that you are doing what you need to, to remain profitable.
Last month, I made an inquiry to the company that gives me writing assignments. I asked about their perception of the quality of my work for them. Usually when I e-mailed questions to them, I'll get an answer within a few days, maybe a week at the most. Yet, here we are, a few weeks after the fact.
Is this a case of "no news is good news"? Or, is this the other side of the quality coin and the powers-that-be just don't want to hurt my feelings?
I've worked at companies that had marginally competent employees. They kept their jobs only because they were cheap enough and did just enough to be profitable to the business. Of course, whenever the economy tanked, these "cheap enough" workers were the first that companies kicked into the ranks of the unemployed.
For now then, I'll continue to write in this vacuum, hoping that I'm perceived as more than just good and cheap enough for assignments.
Last month, I made an inquiry to the company that gives me writing assignments. I asked about their perception of the quality of my work for them. Usually when I e-mailed questions to them, I'll get an answer within a few days, maybe a week at the most. Yet, here we are, a few weeks after the fact.
Is this a case of "no news is good news"? Or, is this the other side of the quality coin and the powers-that-be just don't want to hurt my feelings?
I've worked at companies that had marginally competent employees. They kept their jobs only because they were cheap enough and did just enough to be profitable to the business. Of course, whenever the economy tanked, these "cheap enough" workers were the first that companies kicked into the ranks of the unemployed.
For now then, I'll continue to write in this vacuum, hoping that I'm perceived as more than just good and cheap enough for assignments.
Looking For Easy Funding
I'm not going to link you to the site. You probably already know about twisted, macabre videos of "Salad Finger". What you might not know is that the creator, David Firth, has come out of hiding after about three years and released yet another rather disturbing episode.
While I'm not surprised that David has a large receptive audience for his works, I was very surprised to learn how he actually made money by creating just a few short animations. Here we have yet another example of making money through niche marketing.
Maybe there is hope for me. Maybe I can find enough people to pay me for coming up with such antics as "do you think hard rocking stoners need calcium supplements or do they take it for granite?" All I really need is one eccentric billionaire with an absurd fondness for my sub-sub-sub-niche posts. Nothing twisted about that!
While I'm not surprised that David has a large receptive audience for his works, I was very surprised to learn how he actually made money by creating just a few short animations. Here we have yet another example of making money through niche marketing.
Maybe there is hope for me. Maybe I can find enough people to pay me for coming up with such antics as "do you think hard rocking stoners need calcium supplements or do they take it for granite?" All I really need is one eccentric billionaire with an absurd fondness for my sub-sub-sub-niche posts. Nothing twisted about that!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Biggest Loser with a capital L
Some people fret over the silliest events in their life. You would think they would be concerned about their health, or their limited finances, or possible loss of their job. But not my friend. She was almost in a major state of emotional collapse concerning what to watch tonight.
There's the biggest loser show. This is where people call in to vote for their favorite dancing duo. There is the other biggest loser where other people (who aren't watching the first show) call in to vote for their favorite singer. And then there is the 3rd biggest loser drama where everyone else watches to see who shed the most tonnage from their body.
Who's going to win the biggest loser? I'm willing to bet it's the people watching these mind-wasting shows. You can't be a bigger loser than that. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to dance my joy while singing about my love for this gallon of orange cream ice cream that I'm heartily eating. Gotta burn those calories some how.
There's the biggest loser show. This is where people call in to vote for their favorite dancing duo. There is the other biggest loser where other people (who aren't watching the first show) call in to vote for their favorite singer. And then there is the 3rd biggest loser drama where everyone else watches to see who shed the most tonnage from their body.
Who's going to win the biggest loser? I'm willing to bet it's the people watching these mind-wasting shows. You can't be a bigger loser than that. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to dance my joy while singing about my love for this gallon of orange cream ice cream that I'm heartily eating. Gotta burn those calories some how.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Glass Door
Glassdoor.com is a great site if you want to tell the world about the company you work for. Good or bad. But it is a GLASS DOOR. What happens when you work for a small company where you are one of two employees? Write an honest, but unflattering summary of your business and that well-deserved promotion may not be in the cards for you.
I just wrote such as update on my company and posted it on Glassdoor. While we have 80 employees, I think I could easily be identified as the one posting publicly what everyone has been saying privately at work.
Yet, what are the chances that the investment company or the powers-that-be or our intrepid HR person are reading reviews of their business? Given the way the place is run, I could refer to specific people in the holding company as "complete morons" and get away with it. But we will see.
I just wrote such as update on my company and posted it on Glassdoor. While we have 80 employees, I think I could easily be identified as the one posting publicly what everyone has been saying privately at work.
Yet, what are the chances that the investment company or the powers-that-be or our intrepid HR person are reading reviews of their business? Given the way the place is run, I could refer to specific people in the holding company as "complete morons" and get away with it. But we will see.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
clean up detail
I'm not the worst housekeeper in the world. If you knew my former spouse, you would readily agree with this humble observation.
It's not that she would avoid her chores. Every once in while, she would sweep the room with her glance while sitting on her comfortable vantage point of the couch.
Sometimes, when I would come home from a long day at work, the children and I would put on Backpacking Boots and pretend that the petrified dirt had become rocky trails along the Himalayas mountains. Or we would dig out the kitchen floor and play "guess this food" in an entertaining attempt to clean up.
Those days are gone now. My children and I live in much cleaner and healthier homes. I don't know what happened to my ex. There have been rumors that she was buried in an avalanche of dust. We may never know. We've all been afraid that, if we visit, we'll need mountain climbing equipment.
It's not that she would avoid her chores. Every once in while, she would sweep the room with her glance while sitting on her comfortable vantage point of the couch.
Sometimes, when I would come home from a long day at work, the children and I would put on Backpacking Boots and pretend that the petrified dirt had become rocky trails along the Himalayas mountains. Or we would dig out the kitchen floor and play "guess this food" in an entertaining attempt to clean up.
Those days are gone now. My children and I live in much cleaner and healthier homes. I don't know what happened to my ex. There have been rumors that she was buried in an avalanche of dust. We may never know. We've all been afraid that, if we visit, we'll need mountain climbing equipment.
I'm a thinkin' genius
The floors need vacuuming. The dishes need washing. For the hundredth time today, I thought about taking care of them. If it’s the thought that counts, then I’m a clean freak! I'm beginning to think that procrastination work better if you're immortal.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Back in the day..
When my mom hit that wonderful age of menopause, it was gently referred to as "the change of life." Of course, most of the time, this unavoidable change had gentleness of an magnitude 9 earthquake.
Still, there were quiet moments when we would able tease my mom and live to tell about it. We would kid her about her hot flashes being the work of an inner child playing with matches. Or, due to her intense flashes, that she had been banned from entering the local ice cream shops -- which was a shame since the best progesterone cream at that time was a barrel full of ice cream, any flavor.
My four sisters have now reached that wonderful change of life. But, with all the latest medicines and herbs available, they not too concerned about it. I'm not worried either. In fact, my stock in Baskin Robbins just doubled.
Still, there were quiet moments when we would able tease my mom and live to tell about it. We would kid her about her hot flashes being the work of an inner child playing with matches. Or, due to her intense flashes, that she had been banned from entering the local ice cream shops -- which was a shame since the best progesterone cream at that time was a barrel full of ice cream, any flavor.
My four sisters have now reached that wonderful change of life. But, with all the latest medicines and herbs available, they not too concerned about it. I'm not worried either. In fact, my stock in Baskin Robbins just doubled.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
for the want of an exacting sentence
A few days ago, my son quoted my former spouse as saying, "I'm out for blood!" This surprised me because I assumed she would be out for what little money I have left. Then I realized parasites aren't interested in pieces of paper.
Yesterday, we met up in divorce court. In the end, she won by way of my end -- raw and painful. Even though I paid above and beyond the amount of child support that I needed to, even though my son saw little of this money, the battle came down to one ambiguous statement. It was enough that the judge had to rule in her favor by default. In other words, I get to endure 15 more months of her extortion because I missed one vague sentence.
Yesterday, we met up in divorce court. In the end, she won by way of my end -- raw and painful. Even though I paid above and beyond the amount of child support that I needed to, even though my son saw little of this money, the battle came down to one ambiguous statement. It was enough that the judge had to rule in her favor by default. In other words, I get to endure 15 more months of her extortion because I missed one vague sentence.
Tweet, Tweet, says my Baby
The trend in caring for your children seems to be towards the convenience of its parents. Consider that just a few years ago, a wireless baby monitor meant that you stayed in the same room as your sleeping child and kept a watchful vigilance. This method became a high-tech, wired baby monitor when you tied a piece of string to the crib and repeatedly pulled on it to induce a rocking motion.
Things are more convenient these days. Baby monitoring now involves audio and video links to our children's sleeping quarters, accessible from a website that parents log into from the next room.
It's only a matter of time before somebody adds a one-click option to upload instantly pictures and video of their darling angels to Facebook. Babies will soon be able to tweet their hunger pangs or status of their diapers capacity to their parents’ cell phones. Shortly after that, infants will think they have two sets of parents -- a high definition, flat screen caregiver and the extra high definition, realistic, actual-presence version. I can’t wait.
Things are more convenient these days. Baby monitoring now involves audio and video links to our children's sleeping quarters, accessible from a website that parents log into from the next room.
It's only a matter of time before somebody adds a one-click option to upload instantly pictures and video of their darling angels to Facebook. Babies will soon be able to tweet their hunger pangs or status of their diapers capacity to their parents’ cell phones. Shortly after that, infants will think they have two sets of parents -- a high definition, flat screen caregiver and the extra high definition, realistic, actual-presence version. I can’t wait.
Live Journal's loss is YOUR GAIN!
A few weeks, hackers trashed Live Journal's blog site. Bloggers (including the president of Russia) found that they couldn't post. Visits found themselves blocked from reading the latest whatevers. Finally, the operators of Live Journal saved the day with procedures that made their popular blogging site secure.
Unfortunately, secure meant that LJ automatically added "no follow" tags to every link that you posted in your blog. Not a happy situation if you have a business writing. Thanks, hackers!
So, my writing assignments will focus me on this blog. This means more postings and, hopefully, good ones.
I have another blog that I maintain myself. But do I wanted to whore it out? We'll see what my finances dictate.
Unfortunately, secure meant that LJ automatically added "no follow" tags to every link that you posted in your blog. Not a happy situation if you have a business writing. Thanks, hackers!
So, my writing assignments will focus me on this blog. This means more postings and, hopefully, good ones.
I have another blog that I maintain myself. But do I wanted to whore it out? We'll see what my finances dictate.
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