Thursday, November 29, 2007

Bein' Drugged in the South

Ever since the first caveman dragged his bride to their honeymoon suite of the moss and rocks, we've been plagued by what southerns 'round here refer to as a case of the "drugs." According to my neighbors, we was drug out of the womb so we's could be drugged into school after a spell. As we got a little age on us and depending upon the state weddin' laws, we's found ourselves being drug down the alter. After a few years of the ceremonial plate throwin' and learnin' each other's curse words, we'd find ourselves bein' drugged into divorce court. I don't know 'bout other parts of the country, but maybe a little drug rehab might be in order 'round here. Or at least some elocution lessons.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Blackmail Negotiations

So my company has been up for sale for a couple of years now. Upper management (UM for short) has been trying to work out a deal with the owners. Yet the owners made it clear that they want to sell it to any one but UM. I'm not sure why. While UM keeps offering more and more money, I think they need to throw in a few pictures of the owners at a hotel with sheep dressed in sexy corsets. Of course, we know such pictures would be discounted. The only way the owners would be in a hotel room is if they got the sheep to pay for it. (Maybe a famous sheep would. Maybe someone like Brittany Shears ...)

Actually, we think that the owners have a group of investors already. And what better, greedy method to over-inflate a price than by having two groups try to outbid each other. More to follow ...

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Old Luggage

The strangest suit case was one that belong to a friend who traveled a lot. His grandparents had given it to him as a gift -- sort of a family heirloom. Or I should say, a family hair loom. The outside of this case was completely covered by the tightly woven hair of some unknown animal. I can't help but think that this antiquated luggage must have been a Samson --- a precursor to the Samsonite brand. This is because my friend tried to trim out the case's knots and the trash that had become embedded from the miles of travel. But by losing its hair, his suitcase also lost its strength. During his very next trip, he found his belongings strewn about the conveyor belt at airports luggage pickup. I understand that it was a very biblical ...

To any single ladies out there, I know of a guy who has less baggage now.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Age Is Just A Number

Last Sunday, George Bush Sr. celebrated his 83rd birthday by jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Of course, he skydived only after his doctors gave him a clean bill of health. As these doctors then gave taxpayers a clean yet padded bill, they were overheard saying, "He's going to wet himself anyway. He might as well have some fun while doing so."

So Happy Birthday, George! We're glad that you made it safely to Earth. Now if we could only get your son's head out of the clouds ...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Do you like BBQ?

I've gotten some encouraging comments on how I can take keywords and move my reader to unexpected places. One of my fellow bloggers complained that she was having trouble with the words "Billet Grille". So I suggested that she write a piece about how her daughter wanted to become Australian for a day. Her darling offspring took her favorite doll, placed it on the billet grille and then asked her mother for some shrimp. After all, to be Australian, you have to cook shrimp on the Barbie. I never did hear back from my friend about my suggestion. I can only guess that she's not a big barbie-cue fan.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Newsflash: Curvy Women Have Higher IQs

According the Sunday Times of London, scientists at the Universities of Pittsburgh and California, Santa Barbara studied the figures of 16,000 women. (The wives of these scientists weren't too happy about it, but what are you going to do. It's all in the name of research, right?) They discovered that the bigger a woman's hips were in proportion to her waist, the higher her IQ and that of her children. Curvier women are smarter? Who knew! At first, I thought "Yeah but watch what happens when you toss a few diamond rings at them." But that was a dumb thought. Actually, being curvy doesn't make a woman stupid, just us men. Viva, la difference!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Another Summer Dream Gone

Shorter and cooler days are here. Not cooler in the sense of groovy, far out, and hip. Cooler as in "what happened to my summer?!" Earlier in this year, I had dreams of relaxing in a hammock, a refreshing drink by my hand, and a 42 inch LCD TV locked on to a plasma mount that was attached to a heavenly shade tree. ::: sigh ::: Another dream bites the sand of time. Of course, with my luck, the TV would have broken loose from the tree, smacked me with enough force to flip me over in the hammock. The next thing I know, I would have been on the TV which would have broken my fall. On the plus side, I could have said that I was on TV ... flattened but on TV. OH well, not this year.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Tasty Relationships

There are some relationships that enhance your life and then there are those that bring you joy at a price ... like bacon. It has become a tough relationship since my doctor told me that I need to work on my high blood pressure. ::: sigh ::: Could I ever give up bacon's crispy kisses? What a sad world it would be. To me, the smell and the taste of cooked bacon makes it a close second to sex. Of course, if we're talking about thick slices of meat, then for some it may be a toss up between pork and porking. In any case, I have been a good boy and have cut way back on unhealthy foods. This was easy to do because my microwave rarely cooked bacon well. Often I ended up with a burnt offerings instead of a meal. I didn't worry about the grease too much. Most of it ended up coating the inside of my microwave. Do you know how difficult it is to lick the inside of your microwave?

Anyway, all this changed a couple of days ago when I received a CrispyClean Bacon Cooker to review. This microwave bacon cooker makes it too easy to prepare six pieces of thick, juicy meat. The bacon cooks in a completely enclosed container, evenly and throughly. I didn't even have to use the smoke alarm as a timer! And, after I safely remove the cooker with its well designed handle, I had the best BLTs that I have had in a long time! Oh, sorry. Please excuse the drool.
So with this innovative device, the CrisplyClean Bacon Cooker has made it easy for me to get into an unhealthy, yet very tasty relationship. I'm so glad it's one that sizzles!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

The Magic of Three


The number Three is said to be mystical, magical and powerful: the father, son and holy ghost; the past, present, and future; animal, mineral, and vegetable; Larry, Curly, and Moe. What about that "cleaniness next to godliness" thing? Do you think lather, rinse, repeat is just a lucky coincidence?

Well, as of today, all three of my blogs have a page ranking of ... THREE! OOOOOO, spooky! With all the wailing and gnashing of keystrokes about Google's PR ransacking of blogs, I did ok. Two of my blogs dropped from 4 and my newest blog has gone from 0 to 3.

So what does the mean for me? Not a thing. I'll write in the hopes that you enjoy what you read. Comments, of course, are always welcome ... especially in threes!