HTTYPDPFF&P: Introduction

How to Torment Your Pizza Delivery Person for Fun and Profit

copyrighted 2006, Ron DesGroseilliers Jr.

Table of Contents

Introduction:

Do you have hunger? Do you have a phone? Do you have money? Good! Do you like to pull the wings off of flies? Even better, for there is a world of fun and profit awaiting you! As a former pizza delivery driver, I wrote this short work to help you get the most out of tormenting your pizza delivery person. You know who you are: demanding, cheap, often oblivious to agony that you already inflict. My goal is to help you to achieve your secret desire: to become the scorn of service people, the damned of delivery drivers, the cause of silent cursing that goes on behind the forced smiles of food workers everywhere. Put these brief words to use and you will be able earn a black mark in secret book of delivery drivers. By acquiring the enviable title of "Pizza Bastage", you too will hold an undisputed reputation for nastiness.

And just what is a “Bastage”? It is the inevitable cross between the disparaging name that people will say behind your back (even if you do know who your father is) and the foul garbage aroma of your actions. To separate you from all the other Bastages in the world, we delivery drivers will anoint you as "Pizza Bastage" once you prove yourself worthy of such a distinction.

It may seem that certain people have a greater propensity to become a "Pizza Bastage". But rest assured that such a title is not limited to any race, creed or nationality. Like all positions of power, this honor takes a little effort, like that of pulling wings off of a fly. Yet the results are just as rewarding if not more so.

Just think, all the fun begins with a single call. Before you place that call for your order, you must get into the proper mindset. Focus on your greed and uncaring nature. Remove all concerns for the driver and the expensive wear and tear on their car. Banish all appreciation for the hard work to get your food to you. Relish in the thoughts of spending their gas instead yours to fill your gut. Now, make that call and proceed:

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The Basics of being a Pizza Bastage

• It’s All In The Delivery
• How to Answer the Door
• Concluding the Delivery

Advance Pizza Bastaging

• “Now You See Me, No You Don’t” -- The Home Game
• “Now You See Me, No You Don’t” -- The Dorm Game
• “Better to Light a Candle Than to Curse the Dark” But Not As Fun

Conclusion